In a phrase I once addressed to others . . . it’s time for me to go

This. Is tough.

Saying goodbye is never easy. Unless you’re saying goodbye to a cavity. Or a lien. Or a crazy ex-girlfriend who stole away your soul and your Chicago Blackhawks jersey . . .

Alright, I would apologize for digressing, but that would mean I have to apologize for, basically, my entire life. Soooooo,  I’ll spare you that inappropriate and exaggerated space of time  and just go with the words. If I can find them, somewhere. Because, truth be told, the words are failing me in a big time kind of way. The idea that this here post is the very last one I will ever serve up on this blog?

Okay, I’m failing on the words, because this is an April Fool’s joke. And soooooo, Got? Meet you!

Sorry peeps, but I’m gonna blame the calendar for this episode.

This here be an “Annoyances Post”. Part 184 . . or whatever the fuck, not sure, don’t care, lost count, who cares? It’s all about that time of year when a young man’s fancy turns to things he loves to hate. And I got plenty, starting with the more accepted use of the term annoyance in our vernacular . . .

Pet Peeve- The term pet peeve is an utterly ridiculous premise. Why WOULD you keep a peeve as a pet? Makes no sense.  Pets are to be enjoyed. You love your pet, you spoil your pet, you take silly pictures of your pet. Your pet is your silent partner in crime. Pets are God’s greatest creation since beer. A peeve, on the other hand . . sucks harder than Jemma Jamison in front of a camera. A peeve is something you capture, tie up and carry out into the middle of the woods and throw into a ditch you dug earlier. After which you light it on fire and toast a few rounds to its horrible demise. Before covering up the remains with lime, kitty litter, stones and mulch. Umm . . . let’s move on.

“Fam”- It’s family. I understand that most peeps want to spend as little time as possible with family, but saving three letters and a millionth of a second in order to kitsch the word into a warm fuzzy alternative is preposterous.

People Who Use Coupons (Who ain’t me)- When I use coupons, I’m being a responsible consumer. When anybody else uses coupons, they’re just being annoying.

Flo

Mr. Vera Farmiga- Goes without saying . . .

Apple Stems- I love apples, in spite of those evil little antennae that sit on top of their shiny little heads. I can’t eat an apple until I remove the stem, it totally creeps me out.

Short Pronged Forks- I cannot use a short pronged fork. Ever. If there are no long pronged forks, I will either eat with my hands or not at all.

Starbucks- If they want to play mommy and daddy to the world, start with making a decent cup of coffee. It hasn’t happened yet . . .

“March Madness”- The ‘madness’ is make believe. Tournament teams aren’t seeded based on winning or losing their way into that spot. They’re seeded by some suit in a boardroom whose sole responsibility is to paint something provocative. The same teams always show up in the Final Four and the same teams always win it all, so spare me the ‘Cinderella’ talk . . until Washington University in St. Louis is crowned champion, coo?

PG-13 Horror Movies- It’s like fat free ice cream, non-alcoholic beer, hemp tattoos, non-toxic paint . . .Why even fucking bother?

village idiotsSelfies- Nothing says “Look at me, I’m a self absorbed jack wad!” like pointing a camera at your own mug. If you’re not up on your selfie 411, you might think the image to your left serves as the nadir to a creepy trend. Obviously, you don’t have a Facebook account . . .

Zippers- We can send George Clooney to the moon, yet we haven’t been able to come up with a better way to close up shop on our most valuable real estate? I could understand the utility of these mini-chainsaws back when Philadelphia had a professional baseball team and the Titanic was still considered a tragic event and not the best thing that ever happened to James Cameron. But it doesn’t make a bit of sense that selfies get a stick and we’re still stuck with zippers.

Family Car Stickers- Never mind the fact these stick figure decals are annoying as fuck, they also happen to be an incredibly stupid idea. Think about it, you’re advertising your great big happy family to complete strangers . . with road rage issues. What’s the worst that could happen?

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18 thoughts on “In a phrase I once addressed to others . . . it’s time for me to go

  1. While we’re speaking of girl crushes…I was flipping through channels in the hotel room the other night and ran across The Conjuring. I watched it just cuz I knew you would – if not for the PG-13 horror, for the Vera.

  2. “Mr. Vera Farmiga.” Guffaw! Just the name cracks me up now. I love how you love her, Cayman. I have come to count on that fact to center my world and make everything okay.

    Don’t even get me started about Flo and those phony-ass Progressive commercials.

    Apple stems. YES! Friends and family (no “fam” here) think it’s weird how much I hate them, and yes, I have to remove it before I eat the apple. Also, blueberry stems. I know they’re tiny, but goddam it, if I’m going to pay $1,000/pound for fresh blueberries, they better not have any fucking stems on them!

    • Funny you should mention Mr Vera Farmiga, since he’s featured in my latest post. Yep, the bastard just won’t die. Not that I’m wishing him dead, or anything. Just an observation.

      Flo? No.

      Stems. Hells no. They are so crazy scary. And blueberry stems too! Yes! Thank you! I’m gonna pitch a treatment to M. Night on stems. He’ll buy it. He buys anything.

  3. I have a major issue with banana stems ( the ones connecting the banana to the peel, if they’re even called stems-I have no clue) as well as the little banana strings that hang off the fruit. I have to practically sculpt my banana before eating it.

    Yeah, PG-13 horror flix make no sense. What is up with that, as if we don’t have enough trouble getting our kids to watch appropriate material.

    • Oh my . . . God. This clinches it on the M. Night treatment about stems. I’m writing it up tonight. I’ll be done with it, by tonight. He’s gonna pay for my next Disney trip. Probably by tonight. The strings are just plain disgusting, you’re right about that.

      Eggs-actly on the PG-13 front.

  4. Great post, Cayman. I agree with most of it. I have seen one or two PG-13 horror movies that were decent. But for the most part, I just skip them when trolling Netflix or Amazon Prime.

    And I’m right there with ya on Starbucks. If I’m going to pay $4-5 for a cuppa, it had better taste like liquid orgasm.

    I can’t believe I just typed that.

    • Thank you for inspiring my next order at Starbucks.

      Me: I’ll have the liquid orgasm, please.
      Barista: Excuse me?
      Me: The liquid orgasm . . it’s part of the secret menu. And make it a Venti.

  5. peeves
    Re selfie’s
    They’re already prohibited in some UK galleries. I think if used where not permitted, they should be inserted where not wanted …. Get my drift?
    Re road manners
    On a motorway a flashing indicator used to mean, ‘i will move out into the next lane when I am able to without danger to myself or others. It now means ‘GET OUT OF THE ******* WAY!
    Re Phatic exchanges
    ‘How are you?’ Is a phatic exchange – a mutual acceptance of initaiting a dialogue/conversation. It is not an invitation to outpour a necver ending list of a person’s minor ailments, financial and family status, and an itinerary of the previous three months movements. Ironically, the people who do this, NEVER respond with ‘Fine and how are you?’ Since they clearly have no concern or interest in anything outside a circle of one!

    ‘I feel better, better than James Brown’

    • I do believe your selfie rule would drastically curtail the selfie craze.

      And it’s good (horrible?) to see that road manners need no translation. It’s the same all over.

      I emphatically agree with your thoughts on phatic exchanges. I cannot tell you how many times I have started a phone conversation with “How are you?”, after which I was able to place my phone on the table, eat dinner, feed the cat, take a shower, catch up on my TV, and return to my phone in time to reply with something like “I’m good too . . thanks for asking.”

      Nicely played James Brown. Nicely played.

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