My Dear God Letter (Sorry World Peace, You’re Not Included)

Dear God,

I know, it’s been a while and I’m really sorry about that. It’s just that, I’ve been sinning like nobody’s business and I figured it wasn’t a good idea to mix your business with my pleasure. I’m not asking for forgiveness, so chill. You deal with a gazillion ‘do over’ requests a day, and that’s just from the Clintons. I’m in awe of your ability to clean a human being’s hard drive of myriad improprieties while still having the time to make the sun rise and fall on cue. It’s why you’ve got the best selling Book, like, ever.

What I’m asking for is kind of a big deal. To me. And no . . this has nothing to do with that prayer I sent you about Mr Vera Farmiga meeting his untimely end inside the gaping jaws of a great white shark while I attempt to save his life (from a pier) . . . after which, his mourning wife Vera falls in deep and crazy love with me . . and after which we live in God-sanctioned sin for the rest of our lives. I realize this particular prayer was inappropriate, since . . yanno, you never answered it.

Sooo, here’s my prayer. Make Tim Tebow’s last chance at an NFL gig last longer than five minutes. Before you start laughing, hear me out.

Professional sports gives us ‘upsets’, not miracles. That would all change if Tebow scored a spot on the Eagles roster this fall, seeing as how his NFL resume reads like something out of Ripley’s. I realize he hasn’t played football in almost two years, but the Cleveland Browns haven’t played football for a lot longer than that and they still get to lace ’em up on Sundays.

God, I know I should be praying for that world peace thing, or rain in California, or a return to the original Uma Thurman face. But those things ain’t gonna happen unless He walks the earth again, and I really don’t see Ronald Reagan coming back anytime soon.

It would be a mighty cool thing, watching Tebow on the sidelines again. If he happened to make a couple starts, even better. If his mechanics have improved enough to score a start or several and turn summer into fall? That’s best case scenario, and I’m getting ahead of myself. The last time I got ahead of myself, it took me eleven years and divorce papers to catch up. Sorry about that . . .

Admittedly, there is a part of me that would love to see all these so called experts– and Mark Sanchez- eat their words. The peeps who accuse Tebow of being nothing more than a circus act are the same ones who pitch the tent and fire up the spotlight in the first place.

Here then, a top five list of reasons why Tebow deserves another shot:

1- He came out of the University of Florida with two national titles, one Heisman and zero arrests. That last statistic is most impressive when you consider those Urban Meyer clubs singlehandedly raised the crime rate in Tallahassee.

2- His magical playoff run with the Broncos. Okay, it was one game . . but what a game it was. It might not have qualified as miraculous, but it was magical. Professional football hasn’t experienced a magical moment like that since the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders introduced themselves. Which only goes to show, when you and Hugh Hefner collaborate on something, genius shit happens.

3- Tebow’s a virgin. He’s twenty seven and he’s a virgin. This confirms the fact that I am a whore, and I don’t care, because Tebow is the much needed anomaly to a league whose extracurricular activities are illegal and worse.

4- I’ve had it with QBR and all the other statistical evaluations that come with it. Worshipping numbers is mark of the beast stuff. Just look at Tom Brady. Too soon?

5- He’s not Aaron Hernandez. This ass clown shouldn’t count. Not any longer and not ever again.

Tebow, should count. In a league where deflated footballs require more investigation than battered women. In a league where bad guys get bucco chances and TV gigs after that.

On a human level, it’s even more obvious. Tebow should count for the one in a million shot we never stop believing in. He should count for all the right things in a world gone crazy with all the wrong ones. He should count for anyone who ever doubted their ability to make the day work in spite of the long and unforgiving odds. And hell (sorry), if Tebow can make the cut, doesn’t it tell us everything about ourselves in the doing?

If you can’t answer my prayer, I’ll understand. So long as you see it in your infinite power to introduce Tebow to my daughter some day, we can call it even.

 

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12 thoughts on “My Dear God Letter (Sorry World Peace, You’re Not Included)

  1. Pilgrim. I call this one whale of a way to come back into the blogosphere. The Vera prayer should be answered if only to have God demonstrate he is real and takes pity on his subjects. The Tebow request seems equally rationale. Give the guy a break.

    • Thanks Sheriff, leave it to Vera to inspire me this way. And Tebow, of course…

      I already know God takes pity on me. I just hope he has a sense of humor.

      I’m rooting on the Eagles if Tebow makes the roster, which would be akin to Sean Hannity joining ranks with Isis. It’s funny but I never paid much attention to Tebow until he started winning ugly in Denver a couple years back. The kid might not have an NFL arm, but he has everything else that counts.

  2. My dear Cayman,
    Do you have any idea how much I’ve missed you? Been thinking about you all week and when I found your post sitting in my inbox – I may have danced a little. Which isn’t all bad except that I was at my son’s baseball game and he’s embarrassed by me as it is!
    LOVE your prayers and your request.
    I got to visit a sports medicine clinic at the University of Florida when Tebow was a Junior. He was one of study subjects and I was truly impressed by his personality even more than his larger than life presence on that campus. I, too was campaigning for a match with daughter.
    I must know though…how does a person get granted “God-sanctioned sin?” If you figure that one out, could you have Him pencil me in next to 007 or Jon Snow?
    I hope you’re back for a while – this space just isn’t the same without you. xo

    • I love the idea that you did a little dance. And as for embarrassing the kids? It’s called payback…and we don’t apologize for that as parents, not evah.

      Tebow seems the genuine article, and thank you for contributing to that sentiment with your story. I hope he can make a run at one of the roster spots, because he makes things more interesting…in a positive way.

      God sanctioned sin is only applicable in Vegas, so we’re just going to have to take our chances with the fiery pits if it comes to that.

      You da best mama!

  3. Like everyone else, I sincerely missed you. I was dangerously close to sending up a smoke signal: WHERE ON EARTH IS CAYMAN THORN?

    I agreed with (and laughed like hell at) your letter to God. Even though I’m not up on all the points you made, I am familiar with the major players. I’m in Rhode Island. The Hernandez trial was in our faces pretty much every day. He is beyond ass clown. Try stone-cold sociopath. I will admit, though, that the term ass clown makes me giggle. Every time I hear it.

    I thought Tebow was still a big deal player, though. What did I miss? And why, oh, why wouldn’t a strong player (as well as a decent human being) be valued in the NFL?

    Glad to have you back. Hopefully, it won’t be so long until your next post.

    • Mary,

      You’re one of the best writers I’ve ever had the pleasure of actually knowing. (Yes, the blogosphere counts as ‘knowing’ someone . . unless you’re Perez Hilton).

      My absence was a great big heap of different reasons why, none of them good enough to stay away for so long. And I’ll try never to do such a thing again. Really. I’m in that very hazy place of not knowing what happens next personally. I’m weepy, pissed . . and I’m all of the in between.

      As for He Who Shall Not Be Named Because He Wears Orange For The Rest Of His Life? I thought ass clown was an appropriate way of minimizing his sociopathic self. When you call someone ass clown, they’re immediately considered irrelevant. And in my opinion, he is deserving of such a fate.

      Tebow WAS a big deal player. In college. He had a nice little run with the Broncos, before being thrown to the wayside for Peyton Manning. I didn’t fault Denver for trading up, but I do fault most other teams who could have used a QB and didn’t have the balls to sign Tebow. Which is why I will root for the Eagles if he makes the team.

      Thank you Wild Words. (By the way, are you okay with Wild Words? I never asked you if it was cool?)

      • I like the sound of Wild Words. I have always wanted to be wild at something.

        Excellent point about the ass clown who shall not be named. Though, after the guilty verdict was handed down, one of the head guards at the jail where AC was held through the trial talked about how manipulative the ass clown was. He knew how to get what he wanted and would probably do just fine in prison.

        Weepy and pissed is a condition I am familiar with. It passes and life just keeps forging ahead whether we’re on board or not. I’m glad you’re back.

        • H-Socio Ass Clown…let’s go with that. And yes, most definitely, he’s going to be King in that place, and knowing his mentality, he’s gonna be just fine with that.

          The good news is that I am no longer weepy, or pissed. I’ve turned the corner on where I was and I am rather thankful for being here. A change is gonna do me good.

          Thanks Wild Words.

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