The only way I’m gonna trash him for cheating is if he’s running on Giselle. Because the only way you’re justified in cheating on Giselle is if you got Aphrodite on speed dial. The only way.
Outside of that, I can’t fault Tom Brady for doing what just about every athlete who’s ever laced up has done. A competitive advantage only works if you use it. And oh by the way, you still have to possess world class talent and incredible smarts to win the biggest games. If the Jaguars deflate their footballs, they’re still the Jaguars.
Jerry Rice and Don Shula have much in common. They’re both Hall of Famers who revolutionized the sport. They also happen to be full of shit when it comes to their take on Balls-Gate. Rice railed on about the Patriots gaining an unfair advantage while conveniently leaving out the fact that, oh yeah, he used stickum when he was playing. Shula talked about how his Dolphins always carried themselves with class and dignity during his tenure. I’m guessing class was out when Shula decided to flood the Orange Bowl field before the AFC title game against a speedy Jets team back in ’83; a game the Dolphins won 14-0. I would never have called these men to the carpet for doing what most players and coaches consider a part of the game . . until they opened their mouths and got all sanctimonious about the shit.
Listen, people cheat at different things, it’s just a fact of life. They cheat on income taxes, spouses, golf, diets, workouts, homework and the most callous offenders cheat at Trivia Crack; which really pisses me off, considering how tough it is to score the top spot in a weekly ranking. Point is, everybody cheats at something, and if they tell you they don’t, they’re lying- which is called cheating with your lips.
Tom Brady cheated with the inflation of a football. The inflation of a football. I know it’s a rule, and I also know it’s such a loosely enforced rule it may as well have been written in Las Vegas. At Happy Hour. The only reason the Colts happened to notice the rule was being tweaked is because they were busy losing the AFC title game. Do you really believe if the Colts would have been winning that game at halftime that they would have noticed the politically incorrect feel of said balls? Hells no! You only bitch about something when you’re losing. That’s why losing teams always pull the referee card after a loss. You know what a referee looks like to winning teams? Neither do I, because they’re invisible.
For me, there’s no worse sporting fate than having to defend a team from New England; a team that has owned my Dolphins for the past fifteen years. But I know what’s going on here, and I know it has absolutely nothing to do with football and everything to do with a league office that desperately wants to look tough. The draft picks and money are window dressing; all show and no real effect on a team with plenty of front office smarts and more money than the Kennedys. And let me ask you something. How is giving Tom Brady a month long vacation considered punishment?
“Tom, you’re gonna have to spend the first month of the season at home with Giselle . .”
“Bonus! Oh . . I mean, aww shit!”
The penalties handed down ain’t gonna prevent the inevitable smack down the Patriots are gonna give to the division (again). They won’t prevent Brady from going all Luca Brasi on the Colts when the teams meet in Week 6. If anything, the penalties just gave the Patriots an inspirational theme with which to attack the season.
Cayman Thorn’s Top 5 Deflate-Gate Penalties:
5- Make Tom Brady throw with his left hand all season.
4- New England has to go back to the Pat Patriot uniforms. It’s not so much a penalty as it is a gift to the fans, cause those threads were classic.
3- Bill Bellichick has to wear a suit if he wants to enter the stadium.
2- The team’s pre-game meals to be catered by Denny’s.
1- Don’t give Tom Brady a month long vacation with Gisele in the first place.
Seriously though, the four game suspension really pisses me off. And oh here’s why . . .
Tom Brady- 4 games for being ‘generally aware’ of deflated footballs.
Ray Rice- 2 games for knocking out his fiancee.
This is why I hope the Patriots fight this. Hard. They’ll have to pay the money and they’ll probably have to fork over the draft picks, but there’s no way in hell Tom Brady is gonna lose four games if they challenge it. There’s no way he should. I’m generally aware that he cheated. That doesn’t mean the league is allowed to play catch up for all the shit it hasn’t done in the name of preserving its ‘integrity’.
How can they judge a person’s balls when they don’t have any?