And in other news . . the shit just got real

Roger GoodellOkay, I get it. Tom Brady cheated.

The only way I’m gonna trash him for cheating is if he’s running on Giselle. Because the only way you’re justified in cheating on Giselle is if you got Aphrodite on speed dial. The only way.

Outside of that, I can’t fault Tom Brady for doing what just about every athlete who’s ever laced up has done. A competitive advantage only works if you use it. And oh by the way, you still have to possess world class talent and incredible smarts to win the biggest games. If the Jaguars deflate their footballs, they’re still the Jaguars.

Jerry Rice and Don Shula have much in common. They’re both Hall of Famers who revolutionized the sport. They also happen to be full of shit when it comes to their take on Balls-Gate. Rice railed on about the Patriots gaining an unfair advantage while conveniently leaving out the fact that, oh yeah, he used stickum when he was playing. Shula talked about how his Dolphins always carried themselves with class and dignity during his tenure. I’m guessing class was out when Shula decided to flood the Orange Bowl field before the AFC title game against a speedy Jets team back in ’83; a game the Dolphins won 14-0. I would never have called these men to the carpet for doing what most players and coaches consider a part of the game . . until they opened their mouths and got all sanctimonious about the shit.

Listen, people cheat at different things, it’s just a fact of life. They cheat on income taxes, spouses, golf, diets, workouts, homework and the most callous offenders cheat at Trivia Crack; which really pisses me off, considering how tough it is to score the top spot in a weekly ranking. Point is, everybody cheats at something, and if they tell you they don’t, they’re lying- which is called cheating with your lips.

Tom Brady cheated with the inflation of a football. The inflation of a football. I know it’s a rule, and I also know it’s such a loosely enforced rule it may as well have been written in Las Vegas. At Happy Hour. The only reason the Colts happened to notice the rule was being tweaked is because they were busy losing the AFC title game. Do you really believe if the Colts would have been winning that game at halftime that they would have noticed the politically incorrect feel of said balls? Hells no! You only bitch about something when you’re losing. That’s why losing teams always pull the referee card after a loss. You know what a referee looks like to winning teams? Neither do I, because they’re invisible.

For me, there’s no worse sporting fate than having to defend a team from New England; a team that has owned my Dolphins for the past fifteen years. But I know what’s going on here, and I know it has absolutely nothing to do with football and everything to do with a league office that desperately wants to look tough. The draft picks and money are window dressing; all show and no real effect on a team with plenty of front office smarts and more money than the Kennedys. And let me ask you something. How is giving Tom Brady a month long vacation considered punishment?

“Tom, you’re gonna have to spend the first month of the season at home with Giselle . .” 

“Bonus! Oh . . I mean, aww shit!” 

The penalties handed down ain’t gonna prevent the inevitable smack down the Patriots are gonna give to the division (again). They won’t prevent Brady from going all Luca Brasi on the Colts when the teams meet in Week 6. If anything, the penalties just gave the Patriots an inspirational theme with which to attack the season.

Thanks NFL!

Cayman Thorn’s Top 5 Deflate-Gate Penalties:

5- Make Tom Brady throw with his left hand all season.
4- New England has to go back to the Pat Patriot uniforms. It’s not so much a penalty as it is a gift to the fans, cause those threads were classic.
3- Bill Bellichick has to wear a suit if he wants to enter the stadium.
2- The team’s pre-game meals to be catered by Denny’s.
1- Don’t give Tom Brady a month long vacation with Gisele in the first place.

Seriously though, the four game suspension really pisses me off. And oh here’s why . . .

Tom Brady- 4 games for being ‘generally aware’ of deflated footballs.
Ray Rice- 2 games for knocking out his fiancee.

This is why I hope the Patriots fight this. Hard. They’ll have to pay the money and they’ll probably have to fork over the draft picks, but there’s no way in hell Tom Brady is gonna lose four games if they challenge it. There’s no way he should. I’m generally aware that he cheated. That doesn’t mean the league is allowed to play catch up for all the shit it hasn’t done in the name of preserving its ‘integrity’.

How can they judge a person’s balls when they don’t have any?



10 thoughts on “And in other news . . the shit just got real

  1. We need to form a church with you in the pulpit. I could say amen to everything you said and would sing a great hymn after dumping a bunch of cash into the collection plate.

    • Oh man, I don’t think it would be a good idea to put me in the pulpit. But…okay, if you insist!

      Seriously though, I just think this entire episode is so much silliness. The league took MONTHS to come to the conclusion that something probably happened somewhere and someone probably knew more about it than everybody else. I mean…what?! If the NFL would have been in charge of the JFK assassination, we would still be waiting for their conclusion.

      I’m not a Patriots fan, but I like to think I’m a pretty fair minded individual. When my team does wrong, I’m the first one to call them on it, as with the Incognito affair. This whole Balls-Gate thing just doesn’t cut it. Not for a league that has all manner of criminal behavior going on. There needs to be context, and they need to sharpen up their narrative so as not to look completely fucking clueless.

      Because, right now? They do.

  2. Every athlete is looking for a competitive edge. I equate Tom Brady & the Pats to Richard Nixon & Watergate … that is, doing what didn’t have to be done to win.

  3. Okay, so you know football (sports, in general) are not my thing, but this I can get behind. Maybe it’s because I actually watched the last 15 minutes of the Super Bowl this year because I’m in New England. And, Patriots.

    When everyone started up with the deflated balls thing, I was like wha???

    You nailed it with this one, Cayman. Good call.

    • As a Yankees fan, I can relate to the ‘villains’ in sports. I loved it when Larry Luchino coined the term ‘Evil Empire’ to describe the Yankees. It meant my team was pissing off their rivals, and when you’re pissing off your rivals, it means you’re beating them. It’s funny how that term lost its umph after the Red Sox started winning World Series titles and then started spending crazy money themselves. The Red Sox became villainous in the eyes of many baseball fans for no other reason than they started winning. Funny how that works.

      The Patriots are a fascinating study. When they won their first Super Bowl against the Rams, they were the darlings of the sport. Underdogs with a backup QB who made good when he got his shot. And now…all these years later? They’re the New York Yankees.

  4. Bravo, Cayman. I love this: “You only bitch about something when you’re losing” because that couldn’t be more true. How many cheating episodes have flown under the radar all because NFL rules aren’t even rules. They’re guidelines at best. (Not just the NFL, but all professional leagues.) And the incongruity between the punishments of Brady and Rice is shameful. I don’t care that the violence re Rice happened off the field and so it isn’t a NFL crime, these athletes are supposedly role models for kids, and they need to be held accountable for their actions — at all times, in all places.

    • The interesting thing about that halftime chat the Colts had (with a former Jets official, by the way) is that the score was 17-7 Patriots at the time. In the second half, playing with properly inflated balls, the Pats outscored them 28-0. And I think more payback might be in order when these teams play in Week 6.

      Your comment is so much tighter and to the point than my post, truly. It WAS shameful when you look at the punishments given Rice vs Brady. And I’m with you, I don’t care in the least that Rice’s offense came off the field. The players SHOULD be held accountable at all times and in all places, indeed.

      Thank you for the spot on leg kick to my rant of a post.

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