Things that ran through my mind this week . . .
. . Tossing a crunched up piece of paper into a wastebasket doesn’t mean you could have made an NBA squad. Which is a shame, because I have been Stephen Curry-like in my epicness, when it comes to the wastebasket toss.
. . How can you fuck up pizza? Oh, just ask Pizza Hut. They know how . .
. . If your ringtone is Bad to the Bone, you’re probably not.
. . Microwave popcorn will never be satisfying as long as movie theater popcorn is around.
. . Vera Farmiga was born on August 6th, same as my mom. That has to mean something.
. . I’ll miss Letterman. Even if I haven’t watched any late night since I became an old guy.
. . Commmunism sucked, but it sure did make the Olympics more interesting.
. . And speaking of the Olympics, it used to be that you couldn’t find a professional athlete in the games (outside of the soviet bloc countries). Now? You can’t find an amateur.
. . The Black Keys are my favorite band right now.
. . And I still want those little Five Seconds of Summer douchebags dead. Okay, horribly maimed will do.
. . Why am I so ashamed about my iZombie habit?
. . It doesn’t happen very often, but sometimes when you watch C-Span, you’re gifted a brilliant payoff like this one. When I think about this call, it makes me laugh hysterically, wherever I am.
. . Which reminds me. I need to buy a Bluetooth so I can laugh hysterically AND talk to myself in the middle of the street. I’ll never turn the shit on, no need.
. . God knows I’ve tried to decipher the meaning of that Viagra commercial with the couple bathing in clawfoot bath tubs at the top of a hill. I’m pretty sure it has some vaginal significance, but I can’t be certain. Alls I know is that the dude in the bathtub ain’t impotent. His hernia simply ate his penis after he decided to lift a five hundred pound cast iron basin up a hill. And one more thing? Why would you consult a doctor if your erection lasts longer than four hours? The shit is giving you extra innings for the same ticket price! There’s no need to consult a doctor unless she’s wearing fishnets stockings.
. . In the movies, why do the Romans all have British accents?
. . The term ‘team player’ was invented by people who don’t know how to manage.
. . People who play video games sixteen hours a day do not deserve a cool moniker like ‘gamers’.
. . If the league really wanted to punish Tom Brady, they would make him play for the Jaguars this season.
. . You know you’re in America when you’re standing in a checkout line and the person in front of you is accessing an app from a six hundred dollar phone in order to save twenty seven cents on their bill.
And one more thing. I love this song.