Things that Annoy Me #327 (Foreword by Yours Truly)

You’ve probably wondered to yourself, “Where does Cayman get his inspiration for those ‘Annoyances’ posts he pens from time to time?” It’s a great question with a simple answer. I get it from the every day shit that happens to me. Then I expound on that with even more shit that annoys me. And before I know it, I forgot what I was pissed off about in the first place. Okay, I lie, I never forget what I’m pissed off about. It’s why I can never get married again. Wife number two would brutally murder me inside a week, and the worst part is? She’d be justified.

Just for the record, I know you’re not wondering where I get my inspiration for the annoyances posts from. But I saw an opening and I took it. If you have a problem with that, blame Tom Brady. Or Mr. Vera Farmiga. Both.

Anyways . . here’s a quick snapshot of some of the things that harsh my mellow. Pruned and sculpted into a topiary-like middle finger.

My day begins with The Starbucks Experience- There’s never enough parking, for one thing. They got six million square feet of retail space . . with which to sell coffee . . and four parking spaces. And I refuse to use drive-thru for anything I consume. Drive-thru is such a rude American invention if you ask me. It’s like being invited to dinner and then filling up your tupperware containers and leaving. Besides, I want to see the people who are handling my food.

As I move to the door, a young couple is walking in just ahead of me. They keep moving without holding the door because, yanno, they have a busy day of smoking weed and gaming ahead of them and they can’t spare a precious second. As I wait in line behind a couple of professional milfs and Bonnie and Clyde’s illegitimate great grandchildren, I focus my attention on menu items that range from the ridiculous to the even more ridiculous. That’s when the conversations directly in front of me become cross contaminated and here’s what happens . . . (Milf talk is italicized, Bonnie and Clyde 2K in bold).

“James is going away on business next week and hooking up with that bitch from Urban Outfitters . . . So I figured we could go to Rachel’s because she’s going to be opening her legs, and I really want to try that . . . Oh my God, Kurt is so funny! He asked me if I would give him head, and then we can turn it into a meme . . . 

I hit the road with my seventeen dollar chocolate drink as I throw down some Nick Waterhouse. Life, in the moment, is smoother than a Michael Jordan jump shot. Until the mother of all fuckity sounds tears through my ear drums. A parade of Loud Engines-  Trucks, muscle cars, Nissans . . . I have a mathematical equation that goes like this. The louder your engine is, the smaller your penis size. Whatever you’re trying to prove? Stop it. You’re fucking with my tunes!

Work is my daily reminder that Kwai Chang Caine had the right idea in walking the earth. This person hates that person, who is cutting the knees out from under this other person. Those people are leaving and that person over there is really happy about it. Petty rivalries, mindless intrigue, free water. Believe it or not? This is my happy place. I get along with most peeps, and the ones I don’t get along with? Whatevs. The only thing that really annoys me about all of it is The Soap Opera Dynamic. This is when people believe themselves to be characters in some Shakespearean tragedy. They superimpose their given circumstances into preternatural extensions of an ancient plot thrown down by the Cosmos. As if the Big Bang is a ripple in their chip.

I decide to shop for some groceries before I head home. Food shopping is my happy place. I decide on grilled cheese sandwiches- Brie, artisan bread, raspberry dipping sauce. I’m happy.

Then comes checkout. The self serve lanes are so long that I swear Chris Christie must have something to do with it. My happy place has been murdered by that universal annoyance . . Waiting in line. According to a study somewhere, we spend six months of our lives waiting in line. This is why I don’t judge shoplifters.

On the road again and I don’t make it out of the parking lot before a motorist (I’ll call him asshole) shoves his mini-van in front of me; no doubt to save three seconds on his commute home, after which he’ll most likely sit on his ass and watch cable. Dumb ass drivers used to get me all animated back in the day, and then road rage came along and people started getting shot and I stopped getting all animated. I’ve resorted to a new method in this social media age. When someone pisses me off to the extent that I want to toss up my Nixonian discount salute, I just take a pic of them instead. You’d be amazed at how chill people get when they’re left to wonder if their dumb shit self is gonna go viral. In the off chance they DO shoot me? I’ve got their pic on my phone, so there’s that.

So that’s a snapshot of daily annoyances that provide inspiration for my annoyances posts. And now, a few news items that pissed me off.

Kim Davis- She’s been saved more times than a blind surfer, so rather than give testimony to her ability to overcome her mistakes and carry on, she proselytizes. Never mind that her ten cent sermons are antithetical to what faith is all about. Kim is just the latest phony who believes that we should do as she says and yanno, not as she does. And oh by the way? You’re an elected official with a job to do so you can’t hide behind a fucking amendment that doesn’t exist.

Mike Huckabee- Speaking of phonies, this professional Presidential candidate has never met a divisive issue he couldn’t splice into several more hateful pieces. His Kim Davis rally was predictable, as was his wrestling match with that other ass clown- Ted Cruz- over who would get the ‘honor’ of introducing her to the crowd. Pathetic.

The Miami Dolphins- They’re playing in London this morning, and it’s where I want them to stay if they don’t win. I recently penned a letter to my favorite team. It kinda says it all.

Dear Miami Dolphins, 

Fuck. You.

Draftkings and Fanduel- It’s not ‘fantasy’, it’s gambling. Fantasies won’t destroy your credit rating.

bombAhmed Mohamed- Make a bomb . . get a White House invite? I resent this idea that saying such a thing is xenophobic. With all the shit we’ve gone through as a nation- school shootings to the Boston bombing- how in the fuck is my rationale anti-Muslim? No, my rationale is not wanting to get my shit blown up. Sorry kid, but if I’m taking a multiple choice quiz and there are three possible answers as to what that image is showing and it’s between clock, toaster and bomb? Welp, it’s a fucking bomb.

ESPN- They are the monster that ate itself at this point. Their tendency is to always cut bait or marginalize original thought. Which is why Jason Whitlock doesn’t have his own TV show even though he really should because he’s brilliant. It’s why Olbermann and Simmons were given the boot. The four letter knew these guys were ego driven troublemakers, it’s why they hired them in the first place! And suspending Curt Schilling for stating what is actually true- that Muslim jihadists are akin to the Nazis- was the last straw for me. ESPN hasn’t been about journalistic enterprise for a long time, and that has never been more apparent. I have officially tuned out.

Fall Out Boy- They fucked with Uma AND The Munsters and the end result is audible diarrhea? What happened to music?

Well, that’s enough hilarity for one morning. I’m going for my morning walk with my lovely daughter before I settle back in to watch my Dolphins blow another game while I catch up with some of my favorite bloggers.

Peace, love and annoyances.

 

 

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18 thoughts on “Things that Annoy Me #327 (Foreword by Yours Truly)

  1. Ohhhhh Cayman…what a way to start my Sunday morning. … Happy places being murdered by universal annoyances. Word. The market makes me happy until I get in line and have to stare at one of the stupid talentless Kardashians on the front cover of a mag while I wait. I make it a point to flip their mags over so I won’t have to look at them. Thank God for baking magazines with those awesome sweets on the cover. The whole work place thing I get. I used to be in that Betty La Fea environment, but now I’m neck deep in Legos and play kitchens until the quiet of the night when my Microsoft word blank documents just stare at me while I try of think of something awesome to say. Loving your grievances this morning. Thanks for the laughs. Buen Camino my friend.

    • You hear me Cali, you know EGGsactly what I’m talking ’bout. I had some grievances and I thought, what better place to air ’em than here at Drinks Well. Yes, the Kardashians….proof that there is such a thing as the Dark Side.

      Hey, you must be loving life as a baseball fan in So Cal right about now. The Dodgers clinch, against the hated Giants no less. And the Angels are still alive in the last weekend. It’s good stuff indeed. I think the baseball season in general has been superb.

      You ALWAYS bring the awesome in your writings.

      Have a great Sunday hermana

      • Duuuuuuuude I am totally loving my Dodgers rocking that diamond hoping it goes all the way. I got the hope! And you know what, I also like the Angels, which doesn’t happen often here (you’re one or the other) sad they lost on Sunday after that monster comeback the night before. Scioscia is my man! Gotta love L.A. this time of year 🙂

        • Cali, as luck would have it, my pal Big Papi is a huge Mets fan. His prediction is Mets in 5. And now I’m torn….because as much as I really don’t care for the Dodgers (What Yankees fan in his right mind could?) there is the softest of spots in my heart for the boys in blue ONLY because of you. I just really dig the LA flavah you bring to it. And Mattingly, former Yankee…I’m happy for him.

          That said, both you and Big Papi still have postseason baseball to get excited about while my Yankees have sent me off into the deep,cold winter with only the Dolphins to keep me company. I mean, how pathetic is that scenario?

          • Well, it looks like Big Papi and I are at battle 🙂 glad you’re showing some love for my Dodgers, that Randy Newman song really makes an impression 🙂 thanks for the support buddy. Go Dodgers!

            • You know it! Hey, that LA anthem really sticks with you. That was a big win for you guys last night, seeing as how DeGrom was lights out solid in Game 1. This series epitomizes the MLB playoffs this year in that I wouldn’t be shocked by either team winning. I wouldn’t be shocked to see any of the remaining teams win it all. That’s gonna make for some really good baseball. I would’ve had Sinatra firing up this morning if not for the clutch time performances by your Dodgers, so to the victors go these spoils….

            • Of all the teams I root for, the Dolphins always seem to pull me in deepest. Probably because I know they’re never gonna actually win anything. Although I will admit, the Hurricanes are starting to resemble the big league team, which is really unfortunate. I thought we had the ‘Noles last night.

  2. How did I not know you were a Dolphins fan?
    I seriously spit fluid all over my keyboard when I read your letter.
    However, I never took you for a plagiarizer. It’s the exact letter I wrote to the KC Chiefs in 1995. What gives, C?
    *heads to the ESPN app to see if Miami won. My days are spent in fantasy football because I can’t commit to one team.

    • Mama- I’m getting help for my Dolphins addiction. I attend a support group once a week, where we talk about our struggle with Miami football. This is a really bad time of year for us, seeing as how there is no real way to avoid the pain and suffering associated with Dolphins football.

      And uh, I took the liberty of researching your KC Chiefs via ’95. Mama…they went 13-3 that season! Sure they lost in the divisional round, but 13 wins? You wrote them a ‘love letter’ despite the fact they gave you 13 wins? The Dolphins will be lucky to get 13 wins before the decade is up! Total wins. So cut me some slack on the plagiary charge, please?

      And hey, no Yankees/Royals tilt to look forward to this October…35 years and counting now. I’m in mourning over last night’s whitewash by the Astros. And I still have four more months of Dolphins football ahead of me, so really….my rooting interests have been put to bed.

      • I was also hoping the Royals would meet your Yanks in the post season. It would have been fun to watch the series “with” you. I don’t have a good feeling about the Astros either. They look like our Royals looked last year. Lotsa swagger. I was supposed to have written my Royal’s post yesterday, but I ran out of time!
        As for the Chiefs. I spent two stellar seasons on top of the coffee table (fully pregnant in 1993). I remember going to work the day after their division loss completely beside myself. It was then that I decided – I shouldn’t give so much of a crap about a group of guys I will never meet. They ruined me, Cayman. Does your Dolphin support group welcome former, battered, tomahawk choppers?

        • Mama- I’m an old dude- according to certain friends of mine- so I remember when Royals v Yankees was an annual October thing. And it was beautiful.

          As for my support group, we empathize with you Chiefs fan. Neither of our teams has won since Nixon…and I don’t mean the MTV-J turned Foxy News girl either. I mean Watergate Nixon. That’s fucking depressing. So yeah, you are more than welcome to join the support group. Misery loves hot chica company.

          Be cool Mama.

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