You’ve probably wondered to yourself, “Where does Cayman get his inspiration for those ‘Annoyances’ posts he pens from time to time?” It’s a great question with a simple answer. I get it from the every day shit that happens to me. Then I expound on that with even more shit that annoys me. And before I know it, I forgot what I was pissed off about in the first place. Okay, I lie, I never forget what I’m pissed off about. It’s why I can never get married again. Wife number two would brutally murder me inside a week, and the worst part is? She’d be justified.
Just for the record, I know you’re not wondering where I get my inspiration for the annoyances posts from. But I saw an opening and I took it. If you have a problem with that, blame Tom Brady. Or Mr. Vera Farmiga. Both.
Anyways . . here’s a quick snapshot of some of the things that harsh my mellow. Pruned and sculpted into a topiary-like middle finger.
My day begins with The Starbucks Experience- There’s never enough parking, for one thing. They got six million square feet of retail space . . with which to sell coffee . . and four parking spaces. And I refuse to use drive-thru for anything I consume. Drive-thru is such a rude American invention if you ask me. It’s like being invited to dinner and then filling up your tupperware containers and leaving. Besides, I want to see the people who are handling my food.
As I move to the door, a young couple is walking in just ahead of me. They keep moving without holding the door because, yanno, they have a busy day of smoking weed and gaming ahead of them and they can’t spare a precious second. As I wait in line behind a couple of professional milfs and Bonnie and Clyde’s illegitimate great grandchildren, I focus my attention on menu items that range from the ridiculous to the even more ridiculous. That’s when the conversations directly in front of me become cross contaminated and here’s what happens . . . (Milf talk is italicized, Bonnie and Clyde 2K in bold).
“James is going away on business next week and hooking up with that bitch from Urban Outfitters . . . So I figured we could go to Rachel’s because she’s going to be opening her legs, and I really want to try that . . . Oh my God, Kurt is so funny! He asked me if I would give him head, and then we can turn it into a meme . . .
I hit the road with my seventeen dollar chocolate drink as I throw down some Nick Waterhouse. Life, in the moment, is smoother than a Michael Jordan jump shot. Until the mother of all fuckity sounds tears through my ear drums. A parade of Loud Engines- Trucks, muscle cars, Nissans . . . I have a mathematical equation that goes like this. The louder your engine is, the smaller your penis size. Whatever you’re trying to prove? Stop it. You’re fucking with my tunes!
Work is my daily reminder that Kwai Chang Caine had the right idea in walking the earth. This person hates that person, who is cutting the knees out from under this other person. Those people are leaving and that person over there is really happy about it. Petty rivalries, mindless intrigue, free water. Believe it or not? This is my happy place. I get along with most peeps, and the ones I don’t get along with? Whatevs. The only thing that really annoys me about all of it is The Soap Opera Dynamic. This is when people believe themselves to be characters in some Shakespearean tragedy. They superimpose their given circumstances into preternatural extensions of an ancient plot thrown down by the Cosmos. As if the Big Bang is a ripple in their chip.
I decide to shop for some groceries before I head home. Food shopping is my happy place. I decide on grilled cheese sandwiches- Brie, artisan bread, raspberry dipping sauce. I’m happy.
Then comes checkout. The self serve lanes are so long that I swear Chris Christie must have something to do with it. My happy place has been murdered by that universal annoyance . . Waiting in line. According to a study somewhere, we spend six months of our lives waiting in line. This is why I don’t judge shoplifters.
On the road again and I don’t make it out of the parking lot before a motorist (I’ll call him asshole) shoves his mini-van in front of me; no doubt to save three seconds on his commute home, after which he’ll most likely sit on his ass and watch cable. Dumb ass drivers used to get me all animated back in the day, and then road rage came along and people started getting shot and I stopped getting all animated. I’ve resorted to a new method in this social media age. When someone pisses me off to the extent that I want to toss up my Nixonian discount salute, I just take a pic of them instead. You’d be amazed at how chill people get when they’re left to wonder if their dumb shit self is gonna go viral. In the off chance they DO shoot me? I’ve got their pic on my phone, so there’s that.
So that’s a snapshot of daily annoyances that provide inspiration for my annoyances posts. And now, a few news items that pissed me off.
Kim Davis- She’s been saved more times than a blind surfer, so rather than give testimony to her ability to overcome her mistakes and carry on, she proselytizes. Never mind that her ten cent sermons are antithetical to what faith is all about. Kim is just the latest phony who believes that we should do as she says and yanno, not as she does. And oh by the way? You’re an elected official with a job to do so you can’t hide behind a fucking amendment that doesn’t exist.
Mike Huckabee- Speaking of phonies, this professional Presidential candidate has never met a divisive issue he couldn’t splice into several more hateful pieces. His Kim Davis rally was predictable, as was his wrestling match with that other ass clown- Ted Cruz- over who would get the ‘honor’ of introducing her to the crowd. Pathetic.
The Miami Dolphins- They’re playing in London this morning, and it’s where I want them to stay if they don’t win. I recently penned a letter to my favorite team. It kinda says it all.
Dear Miami Dolphins,
Draftkings and Fanduel- It’s not ‘fantasy’, it’s gambling. Fantasies won’t destroy your credit rating.
Ahmed Mohamed- Make a bomb . . get a White House invite? I resent this idea that saying such a thing is xenophobic. With all the shit we’ve gone through as a nation- school shootings to the Boston bombing- how in the fuck is my rationale anti-Muslim? No, my rationale is not wanting to get my shit blown up. Sorry kid, but if I’m taking a multiple choice quiz and there are three possible answers as to what that image is showing and it’s between clock, toaster and bomb? Welp, it’s a fucking bomb.
ESPN- They are the monster that ate itself at this point. Their tendency is to always cut bait or marginalize original thought. Which is why Jason Whitlock doesn’t have his own TV show even though he really should because he’s brilliant. It’s why Olbermann and Simmons were given the boot. The four letter knew these guys were ego driven troublemakers, it’s why they hired them in the first place! And suspending Curt Schilling for stating what is actually true- that Muslim jihadists are akin to the Nazis- was the last straw for me. ESPN hasn’t been about journalistic enterprise for a long time, and that has never been more apparent. I have officially tuned out.
Fall Out Boy- They fucked with Uma AND The Munsters and the end result is audible diarrhea? What happened to music?
Well, that’s enough hilarity for one morning. I’m going for my morning walk with my lovely daughter before I settle back in to watch my Dolphins blow another game while I catch up with some of my favorite bloggers.
Peace, love and annoyances.