I’m sitting across from the man who would be King. Check that, I’m sitting across from Donald Trump. We’re in his office overlooking Central Park. A notorious hoarder, Trump’s personal space is crammed with family pictures, personal trinkets and campaign literature. The walls are adorned with a menagerie of his P.T. Barnum existence.
Trump is the wrecking ball that has lodged itself into the GOP’s side with the remorseless fury of a pregnant rhino. It is becoming painfully apparent this human chia pet will not go gently into that good night. Political pundits and insiders alike have resigned themselves to a discomfiting narrative in which Trump will remain in play through Iowa and beyond.
Even as the leaves change, Trump’s unabashed vision for America continues to capture the imagination of millions. He speaks to their frustrations with business as usual politics. And he speaks, and he speaks . . . and he speaks. He simply refuses to shut the fuck up.
DW- Thank you for the sit down.
Trump- Thanks Anderson.
DW- It’s Cayman.
Trump- Whatever, all you guys are the same to me. Except Wolf Blitzer, I think he really is a wolf.
DW- That’s what I said! But nobody believes me.
Trump- Well why would they? You’re a nobody.
DW- I do believe you’re going to make me blush.
Trump- You’re welcome, Chris.
DW- Cayman. Never mind. The wall, let’s start with that. Is there going to be one ginormous door on this wall you propose? And if so, is there a doorbell? A peephole?
Trump- There will be several doors actually, a single door wouldn’t be practical.
DW- Alright, say I’m a Mexican and I ring the doorbell. Who answers?
Trump- Homeland Security.
DW- Is there a password involved in this transaction?
Trump- I don’t understand the question.
DW- I knock on the door, Homeland Security answers the door. I ask if I can come inside, and what happens? Do they ask me for a password that gets me into Trump’s House of America? Or do I have to make reservations in advance?
Trump- It’s so simple, even someone like you can understand.
DW- Humble me with the scary knowledge.
Trump- When I’m President we’re no longer going to allow millions to take extreme advantage of our system, as is happening right now. If you’re on the wrong side of the road, you’ll have to go through the proper channels in order to gain citizenship. If you don’t belong here, I’m going to escort you home.
DW- You? Personally? I mean, it’s kitschy and all but I imagine it’s probably going to be cost prohibitive.
Trump- If that’s what it takes.
DW- You realize that sounds like just another hollow political promise, don’t you?
Trump- I guarantee you that every single undocumented person in this country is shaking in their boots at the thought of me as President.
DW- I would add, there are plenty of documented ones shaking right along with them.
Trump- Are you a communist?
DW- Only on December 26th. To follow up on the costs of your proposed measure, your southern wall is estimated to cost anywhere from fifteen to twenty billion dollars. Who’s picking up the tab?
DW- With all due respect Mr Trump, the average football fan stands a better chance of winning a big check in fantasy football than we have of getting Mexico to write us a check for a wall that security experts claim is nothing more than a stopgap measure. If your objective is to show the Mexican government who’s boss, wouldn’t it make more sense to do so without constructing a wall to hide behind?
Trump- Who says I’m hiding? I’m right here! And you know what, I bet it’s something Reagan would have done so you’re wrong and the security experts, they’re wrong too. And when I’m President, I’m gonna fire them anyway.
DW- All I’m saying is, Reagan didn’t build walls, he tore them down.
Trump- Your opinion.
DW- Alright, since you’re allowing my opinion to take a few breaths, can I offer up my analysis of this proposed wall?
Trump- Go ahead.
DW- It’s the 2015 equivalent of “Just Say No”. It’s a money pit that does absolutely nothing to address illegal immigration. Thirty years out we would have a big, fat souvenir
Trump- Your opinion doesn’t count.
DW- Well, now that we cleared that up can I ask what was with all the sexual tension between you and Rand in those debates?
Trump- What? What the hell are you talking about?
DW- Gotcha! That was my gotcha question!
Trump- I get it, you’re just another lemming that wouldn’t know what to do with himself if I was President.
DW- What would a Trump administration look like? Aside from the gold trim, I mean.
Trump- It would be the greatest thing you have ever experienced, times a billion. It would be like having sex with me or winning a million dollars every day of your life, in singles. . and you live next to a strip club. It would be like waking up on Christmas morning and you’re fifteen years old and your mom is Christie Brinkley and her best friend is Demi Moore, and Demi wants to take your virginity under the Christmas tree.
DW- Okay, first of all . . very specific examples and thank you for that. Secondly, how exactly is having sex with you a good thing for me?
Trump- I’ll screw you so good that you’re going to come back for more, believe me.
DW- In other words, you’re really no different than any other politician. Let’s move on.
Trump- You’re the one who asked what it was like to have sex with me, I gave you an answer.
DW- For the record, that’s not what happened there. At all. And while we’re on the subject of back door deals gone bad, let me ask you this. If Jeb gets the nomination, will you back him?
Trump- You know, there’s another ‘gotcha’ question, but I’m a fair guy so I’m gonna answer it anyway. Yes, I would support Jeb if he’s the guy. But he’s not going to win because he’s weak and stupid.
DW- No, Fredo was weak and stupid. That’s why Michael had him killed.
Trump- Why are you referencing the Godfather?
DW- In order to feel human.
Trump- By the way, the part where Fredo gets shot in the back of the head as he’s saying a Hail Mary is my favorite part of the movie.
DW- Shocker. Back to Jeb.
Trump- I love Jeb, but he’s an imbecile. He’s so dumb that he makes George look like Stephen Hawking. If Jeb fell down, he’d starve to death because he wouldn’t know how to get up. He’s a great guy though and I admire him, but he couldn’t lead a Boy Scout troop out of Walmart.
DW- Sooooo, that’s a yes for Jeb?
Trump- I consider Jeb a good friend even though he has no backbone and he’s riding the family coattails. So, yeah.
Trump’s back handed compliments are equal parts Willie Dynamite and Jimmy Connors. He possesses about as much tact as a bear trap and he couldn’t care less. While most Americans admire his brash gunslinger act, it’s helpful to remember most of those Americans also believe Duck Dynasty is appointment television.
DW- I must admit that your critics were dead wrong about you as far as being weak on the issues is concerned. You have a ton of issues.
Trump- Thank you, and did I mention Megan Kelly is a whore?
DW- Because she refused to play game show host in that first debate?
Trump- She was only interested in attacking me. Me!
DW- Uh . . . that bitch?
Trump- Listen, I’m not a guy who believes in waging personal attacks. I think that’s why she went after me the way she did. She’s probably in a loveless marriage with a gay husband and so she’s bitter when she comes across a virile guy like me. I’m more man than she’s used to being around and that’s understandable. She works for a network full of has beens like O’Reilly and no talents like Shephard Smith. The only real man in that group is Greta.
DW- Nothing personal about that assessment . . .
Trump- She picked a fight with me, not the other way around. I shouldn’t have to prove what I’m all about to anyone.
DW- Oh, I think you just did. Thank you for the time.