How To Bullshit a Bullshitter

Pickpocket PostSome people come into your life and change the way you look at things forever while others . . not so much. So it is that I received an email from a Sabir Ali requesting my assistance in a financial matter he deemed “most urgent”. I’ll give you a spit and polished excerpt of Sabir’s letter since it was longer than a Meryl Streep acceptance speech and contained more errors than the Philadelphia Phillies infield. I mean, the dude spelled Sunni wrong! That would be akin to me misspelling Kardashian.

Hello Dear, 

I am a personal aide to the oil chief in Iraq. Because of the ongoing fight between Sunni rebels and the Iraqi government, the country has been divided and we have been under house arrest for weeks now. I have 9.5 million US dollars that I successfully moved out of the country. It is my share of an oil business deal with the Iraqi government and it is legal. I am willing to offer you 35 % for your assistance while you hold my 65%. Your own part of this deal is to find a safe place where my portions of the funds will be until I come to meet you for discussions on investment plans and business partnership. As soon as I hear from you I will furnish you with more details on how to proceed for the transfer of funds. 

I look forward to your cooperation and I thank you in advance as I anticipate your response. 

My regards, 

Sabir Ali

For one thing, I haven’t been called dear by a man since I was in Cub Scouts. For another, this isn’t a one night stand business transaction. Judging by his language, he’s thinking long term. Sabir might not be perfect but the reality is that the guys aren’t lining up to discuss long term investment strategies with me soooo, I’m gonna listen.

I know what you’re thinking. Cayman, don’t be a fool! This is nothing more than a scam to get in your pants! Or more specifically your wallet, to procure all manner of personal information. Snap out of it, he’s not worth it! 

Lying PostMaybe you’re right, but all I know is I’m not getting any younger. So I sent Sabir a counter offer (This is my email response, verbatim). If he’s truly legit, he’ll respond the way any savvy businessman would. By telling me to go to hell.

 

Sabir, 

While your deal sounds promising, there are elements that seem shadier than Marshall Mathers. If you’re not down with Slim, his stage name is Eminem. He killed Vanilla Ice, bedded Kim Basinger and inspired the Motown ad campaign. Oops . . sorry, I’m speaking American. 

I figure I should get some guarantees before I become a household name at Homeland Security. Your come on is brilliantly devoted, but I owe it to myself to question the promise of riches rather than succumb to its slavelike affectations. Man, I really should stop reading Ayn Rand before bed, but I can’t help it . . bitch was inspiring. 

You’ll see that I have reworked certain of the terms of our fledgling business arrangement. In America we call that ‘tweaking’. Which is not the same thing as ‘twerking’. Okay . . . it’s kinda the same thing. 

Anyways, here’s my counter offer. 

1- Bill Murray’s phone number. Not the toll free job he gives out to aspiring screenwriters. I want the real one, because it’s fucking priceless.

2- A Bengal tiger cub. It should be obvious as to why I want a cub and not a full grown Bengal tiger.

3- A hoverboard. Metallic red, chrome trim. White script on the side which reads “Papi Chulo”.

4- World peace. Just kidding, I want Cheetos for life.

5- A meeting with Vera Farmiga. Tell her I have a script she’d be perfect for, make up whatever shit you need to in order to get me a face to face. ‘Detain’ Mr. Farmiga for a few hours, no rough stuff. If I can’t convince her I’m the man for the job, that’s on me. Her rebuff will not affect our deal in the least. I’ll take it like a man by grabbing a bottle of wine on the way home and crying myself to sleep whilst listening to Barry Manilow. Again.

One more thing. I only agree to this deal if we split the money equally. I might have agreed to your 35/65 split but your misspelling of Sunni (It’s two n’s!) convinced me that I must insist on a larger share. After all, if a Westerner can possess a better grasp of the world’s largest Muslim population than yourself, I figure that makes me a prophet for profit. Here’s an exercise that might help you out (It’s always Sunni in Haditha). 

Should you be amenable to my terms, I suggest we move ahead post haste. Those four and a quarter million enchiladas I got coming to me will turn into twelve bucks if Bernie Sanders is elected. And not for nothing but if Trump wins I’d start looking for real estate in Greenland if I were you. Because he’s going to marry that Joni Mitchell song with Dr. Strangelove and the reception will take place in your backyard. Translation? Nah . . I don’t feel like it. 

I hope to hear back from you at your earliest convenience. In the event this correspondence should be intercepted by the NSA, I plan on denying everything, except for the part about Vera. Worst case scenario is we cross paths again at Guantanamo Bay. I hear Kobe Beef Friday is worth the price of admission. 

Your friend at arm’s length, 

Fitzwilliam Darcy 

 

 

 

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30 thoughts on “How To Bullshit a Bullshitter

  1. OMG! PLEASE tell me he wrote back. That would make my day.
    In fact, I should send you the e-mail I received this morning from Habrizah Binti Hussin – it only said, “CAN YOU BE TRUSTED? E-MAIL ME”

    Yeah…I’ll get right on that. First, let me pen a love letter to Jose Bautista and Joe Buck.

    Psst: A little birdie told me you’re working on something phenomenal with my blogger bestie. Can’t wait!

    • Mama Mia! Alas, Sabir is currently giving me the cold shoulder. Just like a man, all over me and then..nothing! Bastard.

      Please, by all means send me that email. Send it to marcanthony017@yahoo.com and I’ll let Habrizah know his secret is safe with me (sic). Back in the day I used to have legit conversations with telemarketers. They’d call me at the worst possible times and so, I’d vent. I would just bore the shit out of them until THEY had to cut bait. Good times.

      Royals can clinch tonight baby! A Royals v Mets matchup, wow….who’da thunk it back in spring training? Well, maybe you.

      Yes! I wrote a little on it last night. I gave myself a word count challenge. I wanted to put in 500 words before letting it go for the evening. I find that the beginning (and sometimes the end) of a story are the toughest, so if I get 500 words deep, I’ve done the heavy lifting, I’m in. Plus, writing with Christy inspires the hell out of you. As the kids would say, the girl’s mad brilliant. I can’t wait to read what she wrote. It’s going to be amazing.

      I gotta scram but I’ll catch up with you later. Go Royals!

      Peace and love to ya

      • You crack me up! I always felt so bad for the telemarketers – then I ditched the landline altogether.
        I sent you the email from our friend Habrizah – for shits and giggles.
        And yes to all you said about Christy. There’s an inferno inside that big heart of hers, and I can’t wait to see the fires you two start together.
        Happy Friday!

      • Just so you know, I’m stealing this and making it my new tag line:
        “As the kids would say, the girl’s mad brilliant.”

        Check’s in the mail babe, thanks!

        (Good song too! It made many a mix-tapes back in the day.
        “Everyone is changing
        There’s no one left that’s real
        So make up your own ending
        And let me know just how you feel…” Hmmmmm.)

  2. Cayman Dear, this is priceless. Maybe you haven’t heard from him yet because he’s trying to make the Vera deal work. Meanwhile, you asked for a Bengal cub because my team is on a roll … but the team that has never been 7-0 … never … ever!

    • I love Marvin, I love what the Bengals mean to Cincy. I hope you guys finally break through in January. Fairly or not, this team is going to be judged by what it does in January. And thank you on the blog post love. I seriously write back to these fellas every now and then. I never get a reply once I go into wise ass mode though.

      • I will have a post in a couple of weeks featuring emails in my spam folder … and I had many because I didn’t check email while on vacation. … better yet, all are around one topic.

        Agree … Bengals will be judged by January. Gotta get over that hump … They will lose some time in the season, but hopefully get through the next two weeks (Steelers and Browns).

  3. Duuuuude this was so freakin’ hilarious! I can’t eeeeeeeeeven! Dude love your list of demands especially Bill Murray’s number that’s got to be at the top, right? Ahhhhhh and I love that pic about skim milk, did you include a copy of that in your response? Love it. Man Cayman you really know how bring the house down on a Tuesday night, rock on brother. Good post!

    • I didn’t include the pic, no. I found it later on, but seriously, I think it would’ve been lost on old Sabir. He was pretty lame. Thanks Cali. And what up with your Dodgers? Who’s gonna be the next skip? Dusty would be an interesting choice.

  4. I used to be a very bad boy Cayman, I told my 86 year old mom that if the telemarketers (or anyone else of that ilk for that matter) call you, just tell them your just going to get some information for them, put the phone down, and go back to watching television or knitting her best shawl or something 😀 You would be surprised just how long they hang on for, but it must frustrate them I think 😀

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