With all this talk about legs and curls and magic, I felt like it was time for another installment of the Vera Farmiga Invitational. Imma devote this round to those sexy heroines and their bitch on wheels counterparts who bring the sexy to cinema. And if you’re confused as to why Vera Farmiga is headlining a post about Superheroines, you’re probably new to Drinks Well With Others. So, welcome . . make yourself at home. Unless you’re Marie Osmond, in which case I just want to thank you for knocking me up and then skipping town. Me and Maury Povich will be in touch. Bitch.
Rosario Dawson- She’s a regular visitor on my hot list because she’s hotter than a habanero pepper in a tanning bed. I found her on my newest tube fix, Daredevil, where she plays Claire Temple. The girl is a walking purr. When she spills her hair into a crazy place, you wilt. When she hits you with those eyes, you fall. And then she paints that voice across a scene and your brain puts on something more comfortable before getting all imaginative.
Scarlett Johansson- If it were illegal to be this hot, just laying your eyes on this mighty mujer would fetch a life sentence. As Black Widow in the Avengers, her alter ego Natasha Romanova has more aliases than I do. The one constant is the heat she brings to a franchise that has proven more adept at pushing product than giving us a story we can invest ourselves in. I have no such problems with Black Widow . . I’m invested.
Anne Hathaway- Seriously, what’s not to love about a woman who goes to work dressed like a cat in black leather? As Selina Kyle in The Dark Knight Rises, Hathaway is the bad girl paradigm. She stole Bruce Wayne’s Lambo, Bane’s thunder and my heart. And yeah, she stole the movie too.
Rosie Huntington Knightly- She doesn’t play a superhero in Mad Max, sooooo, I’m gonna leave this to the judges at Drinks Well to decide whether she counts. Yep, she does. And they (I) threw in a song just because she had to wait. The judges are dirty old sons a bitches if you ask me. But please . . . don’t ask me. And my . . God! This mouth watering pose deserves a musical spank . . I mean spill. Both.
Okay . . in the off chance Vera Farmiga IS reading this post and she’s like “Mofo, you ain’t even got a Youtube dedication for my ass and you expect me to shag you?” That’s an excellent point, mi amor. And I even disguised it . . in case you know who starts looking through your stuff. Te amo, Vera.
Halle Berry- Superhero World has all the luck. The subways always run on time (unless they’re being destroyed by aliens), the Supreme Court is the second highest court in the land and best of all . . they get Storm as a meteorologist. Us mortals have to settle for Al Roker. I mean, what the fuck? As Storm in X-Men, Berry makes it rain harder than an NBA team at a strip club. (Fun Fact: I was one of three people who bought Catwoman. I must’ve watched it a hundred times before it occurred to me that the movie was, yanno . . bird shit on your windshield with no wiper fluid horrible. I watched it another hundred times. . . just to make sure.)
Lindsay Czarniak– I’m bemused- yes, bemused!- at the fact that a rock and roll band hasn’t penned a song in her honor yet. She’s a five tool hottie- amazing personality, a wicked sense of humor, big smarts, a smoking bod and she knows her sports. When she throws curls into the mix, it’s crazy beautiful music to the eyes. How does she make the Superhero Hottie List you ask? The judges have decided that anyone who can pull off being a serious journalist while in the employ of ESPN is more than qualified, and I agree. Lindsay is the only thing I miss about the four letter. I can’t wait until she moves over to Fox Sports.
Gal Gadot- Wonder? Meet Woman. It’s gonna be a couple years before we get our Amazonian warrior princess fix, but this lovely crime fighter is worth the wait. She’s an eye buffet in real world fuck me pumps who endured a shitload of criticism (some of which you can read here) when she was cast for the role. I dig a girl who can literally dropkick her critics without mussing up her lovely locks. Go girl! I mean . . woman.
And speaking of the wonder of a woman, Demi “Sexier than Ever” Moore, knows how to wear those mystical cuffs. This pic is from six years ago, and yep . . she’s even sexier now. I’m starting to think Demi is an Anne Rice character, for reals. And I like that idea. I do.
Carla Gugino- She plays Sally Jupiter in my favorite superhero flick, Watchmen. I have this recurring dream where Carla and me are in line at a Target on Black Friday, so we decide to make good use of the three hour wait by having sex in the stockroom. After which we partake of some Starbucks and I tell her I’m married. To which she replies, “She’s a lucky lady. Here’s my number in case forever doesn’t work out.” When I get home, I tell Vera everything and before I can apologize, she says “Shhh, it’s my fault. I should’ve gone shopping with you, baby. Let’s go back to bed and I’ll make you forget all about Carla.” Hey . . if you’re gonna dream? Dream big.
Sam- Yeah . . I know she’s a fictional depiction. It’s Christy’s fault, entirely, seeing as how she took a crazy diamond bit of poetic brilliance and brought it to life. Replete with legs, curls and a turntable unparallelled. Sam is the ‘It’ girl. How else to describe a chica who knows her football, has an endless playlist, loves running in the rain and playing in the snow and who believes that cooking with your significant other is akin to foreplay (It is!). Yep, Dave hit the love powerball with this number.
Yanno, it occurs to me that Sam is probably saying to herself “Hey . . uh, I’m in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Can you puhleeze show me a little love over here?” Girlfriend got a point. So here’s one for Sam and Dave.
Jennifer Garner- Yanno, every now and then (always) I make a mistake. My writing partner in crime Christy, (who is the peas to my carrots . . or is that the carrots to my peas?) noticed that a pretty important pair ‘o legs was missing from this list. Evidently, this dude (me?) who knows a woman so well is still a work in progress. Because how in the name of Elektra Natchios was Jennifer Garner not invited to my girls night out? Jennifer Garner took that girl next door character she plays so very well, and she merged it with a bad ass ninja right out of Frank Miller’s sexiest dreams. Here’s my musical clutch ‘o sunflowers, to say I’m sorry.
Welp, that’s a wrap. Hope you had as much fun as that bastard, Mr. Vera Farmiga, has on Saturday nights. According to the judges, MVF sucks donkey balls and should be eaten by a shark. Personally, I think they’re being a tad bit harsh, but I gotta respect their decision just the same.