The Vera Farmiga Invitational: Superheroine Edition

Bates Motel Vera

With all this talk about legs and curls and magic, I felt like it was time for another installment of the Vera Farmiga Invitational. Imma devote this round to those sexy heroines and their bitch on wheels counterparts who bring the sexy to cinema. And if you’re confused as to why Vera Farmiga is headlining a post about Superheroines, you’re probably new to Drinks Well With Others. So, welcome . . make yourself at home. Unless you’re Marie Osmond, in which case I just want to thank you for knocking me up and then skipping town. Me and Maury Povich will be in touch. Bitch.

Rosario Dawson-  She’s a regular visitor on my hot list because she’s Claire Templehotter than a habanero pepper in a tanning bed. I found her on my newest tube fix, Daredevil, where she plays Claire Temple. The girl is a walking purr. When she spills her hair into a crazy place, you wilt. When she hits you with those eyes, you fall. And then she paints that voice across a scene and your brain puts on something more comfortable before getting all imaginative.

Scarlett Johansson- If it were illegal to be this hot, just laying your eyes on this mighty mujer would fetch a life sentence. As Black Widow in the Avengers, her alter ego Natasha Romanova has more aliases than I do. The one constant is the heat she brings to a franchise that has proven more adept at pushing product than giving us a story we can invest ourselves in. I have no such problems with Black Widow . . I’m invested.

CatwomanAnne Hathaway- Seriously, what’s not to love about a woman who goes to work dressed like a cat in black leather? As Selina Kyle in The Dark Knight Rises, Hathaway is the bad girl paradigm. She stole Bruce Wayne’s Lambo, Bane’s thunder and my heart. And yeah, she stole the movie too.

Rosie Huntington Knightly- She doesn’t play a superhero in Mad Rosie HuntingtonMax, sooooo, I’m gonna leave this to the judges at Drinks Well to decide whether she counts. Yep, she does. And they (I) threw in a song just because she had to wait. The judges are dirty old sons a bitches if you ask me. But please . . . don’t ask me. And my . . God! This mouth watering pose deserves a musical spank . . I mean spill. Both.

Okay . . in the off chance Vera Farmiga IS reading this post and she’s like “Mofo, you ain’t even got a Youtube dedication for my ass and you expect me to shag you?” That’s an excellent point, mi amor.  And I even disguised it . . in case you know who starts looking through your stuff. Te amo, Vera. 

Halle Berry- Superhero World has all the luck. The subways always run on time (unless they’re being destroyed by aliens), the Supreme Court is the second highest court in the land and best of all . . they get Storm as a meteorologist. Us mortals have to settle for Al Roker. I mean, what the fuck? As Storm in X-Men, Berry makes it rain harder than an NBA team at a strip club. (Fun Fact: I was one of three people who bought Catwoman. I must’ve watched it a hundred times before it occurred to me that the movie was, yanno . .  bird shit on your windshield with no wiper fluid horrible. I watched it another hundred times. . .  just to make sure.)

Lindsay Czarniak– I’m bemused- yes, bemused!- at the fact that a rock and roll band hasn’t penned a song in her honor yet. She’s a five tool hottie- amazing personality, a wicked sense of humor, big smarts, a smoking bod and she knows her sports. When she throws curls into the mix, it’s crazy beautiful music to the eyes. How does she make the Superhero Hottie List you ask? The judges have decided that anyone who can pull off being a serious journalist while in the employ of ESPN is more than qualified, and I agree. Lindsay is the only thing I miss about the four letter. I can’t wait until she moves over to Fox Sports.

Gal GadotGal Gadot- Wonder? Meet Woman. It’s gonna be a couple years before we get our Amazonian warrior princess fix, but this lovely crime fighter is worth the wait. She’s an eye buffet in real world fuck me pumps who endured a shitload of criticism (some of which you can read here) when she was cast for the role. I dig a girl who can literally dropkick her critics without mussing up her lovely locks. Go girl! I mean . . woman.

demi mooreAnd speaking of the wonder of a woman, Demi “Sexier than Ever” Moore, knows how to wear those mystical cuffs. This pic is from six years ago, and yep . . she’s even sexier now. I’m starting to think Demi is an Anne Rice character, for reals. And I like that idea. I do.

Carla Gugino- She plays Sally Jupiter in my favorite superhero flick,Carka Gugino Watchmen. I have this recurring dream where Carla and me are in line at a Target on Black Friday, so we decide to make good use of the three hour wait by having sex in the stockroom. After which we partake of some Starbucks and I tell her I’m married. To which she replies, “She’s a lucky lady. Here’s my number in case forever doesn’t work out.” When I get home, I tell Vera everything and before I can apologize, she says “Shhh, it’s my fault. I should’ve gone shopping with you, baby. Let’s go back to bed and I’ll make you forget all about Carla.” Hey . . if you’re gonna dream? Dream big.

Sam- Yeah . . I know she’s a fictional depiction. It’s Christy’s fault, entirely, seeing as how she took a crazy diamond bit of poetic brilliance and brought it to life. Replete with legs, curls and a turntable unparallelled. Sam is the ‘It’ girl. How else to describe a chica who knows her football, has an endless playlist, loves running in the rain and playing in the snow and who believes that cooking with your significant other is akin to foreplay (It is!). Yep, Dave hit the love powerball with this number.

Yanno, it occurs to me that Sam is probably saying to herself “Hey . . uh, I’m in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Can you puhleeze show me a little love over here?” Girlfriend got a point. So here’s one for Sam and Dave.

Jennifer GarnerJennifer Garner- Yanno, every now and then (always) I make a mistake. My writing partner in crime Christy, (who is the peas to my carrots . . or is that the carrots to my peas?) noticed that a pretty important pair ‘o legs was missing from this list. Evidently, this dude (me?) who knows a woman so well is still a work in progress. Because how in the name of Elektra Natchios was Jennifer Garner not invited to my girls night out? Jennifer Garner took that girl next door character she plays so very well, and she merged it with a bad ass ninja right out of Frank Miller’s sexiest dreams. Here’s my musical clutch ‘o sunflowers, to say I’m sorry.

Welp, that’s a wrap. Hope you had as much fun as that bastard, Mr. Vera Farmiga, has on Saturday nights. According to the judges, MVF sucks donkey balls and should be eaten by a shark. Personally, I think they’re being a tad bit harsh, but I gotta respect their decision just the same.




48 thoughts on “The Vera Farmiga Invitational: Superheroine Edition

  1. Pilgrim, I’m so weak in the knees from your discussion I can’t even sit a barstool let alone a horse. You hit some of my top… er… ah, how shall I say this? eh, fantasy droolees. Yes, as an old geezer I drool and am damn proud of it. Which one of you punks gonna have a problem with that? Lemme just say if you have a problem then it’s your problem solved somewhere else. *sigh* You got me whipped up higher than a drover. I gotta go lay down. Good job.

  2. Without my knowledge, my husband watched me read this entire post. I was almost finished when he asked, “What are you reading that has you all looking sly like that?”
    Apparently, my lip was turned up like Elvis and I may have been purring…

    I’ve told you before, I dig a man who appreciates a woman in both carnal and intellectual ways.
    What’s the saying? Write what you know. You definitely know women and I hope to hell Vera knows what a catch she has in you. Carla rocks – I loved her in Suckerpunch, too.

    As for Sam–I definitely have a girl crush on her.

    Psst: LOVE “Long cool woman in a black dress”…it has been known to start a few lines of bad poetry in my world.

    • Well thank ya…..thank ya very much.

      Oh my God, you really know how to make me laugh.

      I was raised by women, my best friends all through life, women. To this day and forever, it’s gonna be women. I just trust them more than dudes. Even the ones who screw me over, lol. And I live by that thing they say….Good girls make you plan for tomorrow, but bad girls make sure you never get there. Okay, maybe THEY don’t say that. Maybe that’s my experience talking. Whatevs, lol.

      I love that song, it’s so sexy and it reminds me of Friday night, on Wednesday night. You gotta be a pretty good song to move the calendar like that.

      Oh, I see you emailed me. I’m gonna check. I wonder if you scrolled down? Hmmm, I’m gonna say yes, absolutely. How can you not? I mean, being surprised is nice, but hell, being able to know ahead of time is pretty nice too, right?

      Hey, seriously lemme know what is what with Rebecca. This could really be something else, M.

    • I have no idea why…none at all I swear!….but as I was reading your comment all I could hear in my head was Tom Jones’s “Sexbomb.” Haven’t heard that song in years, but it came instantly to mind.

      Sam thinks you’re pretty nifty too. She’s sorry, not sorry, about the mascara on your pillow.

  3. Jennifer Garner….ahem.

    But dude. Sam? Very very very cool. I’m flabbergasted and flattered. And holy hell that song. How did you know?

    “Through this world I’ve stumbled
    So many times betrayed,
    Trying to find an honest word,
    To find the truth enslaved,
    Oh you speak to me in riddles and
    You speak to me in rhymes
    My body aches to breathe your breath,
    Your words keep me alive”

    Okay so here’s crazy for you:
    I watched San Andreas the other night. Carla was in it. The next day I published the Stars poem…the one I told you about tonight right after you told me about this post.
    So if you look in the comments on that post I mention a quote that helped inspire the poem.

    You know, I saw another quote that stuck in my mind on this one:

    “All we ever see of stars are their old photographs.”
    It’s from Watchmen, a comic book I think?

    Anyway how’s that for magical coincidence?

    (Watching Terminator right now…Kahleesi as Sarah Connor could be a good honorary mention.)

    • How did I miss Jennifer?! InDEED!

      Ah yes, I forgot Carla was in San Andreas. Mostly because the Rock was threatening to take my head off if I didn’t forget Carla was in San Andreas. So there’s that.

      Magical is a word. Another word is….it’s a sign. Okay, that’s three words, but you get what I’m saying. We must push forward with this tale of love at the end of times. It’s a keeper, in blog form, and the possibilities spill out from there. I love that poem, I love that you’re a poet.

      And for the next entry, there’s gonna be some real world easter eggs going on. Just because we can…

      And yes, as far as Jenny G goes…..I’m on it!

  4. Peas,
    This is quite the flock. Of these, Berry and Dawson would be tops. Then again, Shania and Catherine Zeta-Jones would be pushing them out of the way. Stana Katic always makes me wonder. Then again, I like the news – so I have my CNN favs … and my locals … lists by categories methodology.

  5. I am soooooooooo glad you included Jennifer Garner and Carla Gugino in this. I haven’t seen then on any type list and think they are beauties that are so underrated. They are the classy sexy, not ass in your face sexy, which is so much better in terms of image and what girls and women see today. High five brother 🙂

    • They’re women, real live beautiful women. Fo. Sho.

      Jen asked me what my ‘type’ was. I don’t really have a ‘type’. I tend to find cool, real and sexy to be very attractive . . and of course, that comes in all shapes and sizes.

      • That’s good to know, although don’t know if most guys are like you, my friend. Some of them have a ‘type,’ and they don’t get around to being smart about a good woman in their presence until it’s too late. But I think Jennifer and Carla would be anybody’s type 🙂

  6. So I found myself here while googling this steel eyed actress I just couldn’t place. When I went to images of the lovely Miss Vera, I saw one heading to WordPress and thought what the heck, I’ll check it out. Lo’ and behold I find two of my closest and favorite Wp friends here in your comments (Christy& MamaMick). WordPress has a very large corner in the internet realm and what a coincidence, I just had to log in and say hello. Not just that but kudos on your list(s) and accompanying prose.

  7. clock tower,

    apologies for not replying to this sooner. I don’t realize there are still comments but I am thankful you took the time from the way back machine. ah yes, the Vera Chronicles. They were fun to write and I’m glad you enjoyed!

    thank YOU for the kudos. peace.

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