Here’s to the Boss of all Bad Ass Bosses

Darth Side of the MoonAs George Lucas is my witness, I haven’t been excited about Star Wars since Carrie Fisher stopped showing up and Darth Vader became an urban legend. I never really cared for Chewie, which no doubt makes me a member of the communist party to the comic-con crowd. Han Solo was a street smart hustler, and this fact alone made it impossible for me to believe in his character. I mean, how exactly did he get street smart when space . . has no streets?

Yoda reminded me of my Uncle. C-3PO reminded me of my other uncle. And R2-D2 always came across as a dirty little bastard- hanging around Princess Leia with his anatomically advantageous heightAnd Obi-Wan Kenobi used his powers for good! Pffffft. Why not just call the dude Vanilla Warrior?

For yours truly, it’s all about Darth Vader.

I love to root for the Dark Side of the moon when it comes to my entertainment. Want proof? Sure, why not . . .

The New York Yankees- Back in 2002, then Red Sox President Larry Lucchino coined the moniker “Evil Empire” to describe his club’s blood rivals. I will always have a soft spot in my cold, dark baseball heart for Double L as a result of this iconic proclamation. We’re talking about the most hated team in baseball, and maybe in all of sports. If Satan could hit a curveball, he’d be playing third base for us. If Dante wrote baseball, he’d have been a team scribe. Can you imagine the enmity that will be engendered if Bryce Harper and Jose Fernandez end up in pinstripes one day soon? Sigh . . . me too.

Jaws- I rooted for the shark.

Miami Heat- I’ve been crushing on the Heat since the Dark Master, Pat Riley, took his megalomaniacal skill set to South Beach in the mid ’90’s and turned the Heat into a perennial hater-magnet. My favorite edition was the 2010-11 team, simply because they were more hated than Al Quaida when LeBron James jilted his hometown for Lord Voldemort’s Castle. The enmity that filled visiting arenas when the James gang came to town was, dare I say, Vader-like in its hold. God it was beautiful. 

Killgrave- The arch villain in Marvel’s Jessica Jones is my favorite bad guy since Heath Ledger’s turn as the Joker. David Tennant, who plays the evil Killgrave, is absolutely mesmerizing as the stylish, charming and completely psychotic badass. If you doubt what I’m saying, tune into Netflix and let him change your mind. Oh, he will.

The Joker-  The Heath Ledger version, because it is the paradigm.

Catwoman- I’m a fool for any version of this naughty minx in black leather, but if you’re gonna force me to choose, Imma go with Anne Hathaway. She took out Bane, saved Gotham from annihilation and convinced Batman it really was time to hang ’em up and travel the world. So as you can plainly see, when she was good, she was very good. But man, when she was bad . . .

The Wicked Witch of the West- Um, without her? The Wizard of Oz was nothing more than a vintage episode of Dora the Explorer. 

Gordon Gekko- Um, without him? Wall Street was nothing more than a vintage episode of The Wolf of Wall Street. Without all the cursing.

Miami Hurricanes Football- It’s been too long since the “U” was a four letter word. Best badass case scenario has the God fearing Mark Richt using his coaching skills for evil rather than good and thereby returning the program to its rightful place.

The Governor- If you want to get a feeling for what a Trump Presidency might feel like, he’s your manHis time as the arch-nemesis to Rick Grimes was much too brief. But he did serve to up the ante going forward, and from what I’m hearing? This Negan character is going to make the Governor look like a cub scout in comparison. I. Can’t. Wait.

Kanye- You gots to give the dude his props. He’s brash and cocky, but I tend to believe in the old saying that it ain’t bragging if you can do it. And he just so happens to be one of the best in the business.

Roddy Piper- A legendary figure who ushered in the golden age of a sport that never was a sport but kinda felt as if it was a sport. He was so good at the gig, even I dug his good guy persona. But I absolutely loved when he played the bad guy, because he made the arena you were sitting in hum with seething rage. And he did it wearing a kilt.

Darth Vader MemeAnd really, what would a Dark Side post be without the Master of Disaster . .the Beast of Eden . .William Telekinesis . .the Bubble of Trouble . . the Saber Savant . . the Bloke of Choke . . the King of Crush . .  the Dark Lord of the Universe himself . . Darth Vader?

Darth Vader is the epitome of what a bad guy should look like, feel like, and most importantly . . sound like. Darth Vader doesn’t have fat days and you know why? Because he wears black! You know the only time Darth Vader gets scared? When he looks in the mirror. You know what Darth Vader orders when he goes out to dinner? Whatever the fuck he wants. And if the restaurant doesn’t serve it?

Darth Vader don’t play. And that’s why he’s the best bad guy in the history of bad guys. Can you imagine Darth Vader making a cameo in a romantic comedy? I mean, without crushing everybody’s face for wasting an hour and a half of his dark life.

As with any character worth his weight in badness, Darth is a big picture guy who doesn’t concern himself with melancholy and all other manner of mental floss. You know what world domination looks like to Darth Vader? It looks like a C-.

If Darth Vader would have been an original James Bond villain, they never would have made it past Sean Connery. You know what the title of Diehard would have been if Darth had been in charge of that heist in Nakatomi Plaza? Die. 

There’s Darth Vader, and then there’s every other bad ass.

I heart Darth Vader so much that I sat through Star Wars 4-6 just to see Annakin go all MIB . .  and all I got was a hundred and twenty seconds of Lord Vader in the Suit.

Worth it.

And so Imma see Star Wars 7, in the hopes that Kylo Ren can add to the delightfully horrible legacy of his grandfather. I’m ashamed to admit I knew precious little about Kylo until recently, but now that I’m familiar with his badass body of work, I’m ready to venture into the dark once again.

It’s what Darth would have wanted.

 

 

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16 thoughts on “Here’s to the Boss of all Bad Ass Bosses

  1. Kanye! I love that you wrote about Kanye! I want to encourage that SO MUCH.
    (Sorry. You know I HAD to.)

    Have I thanked you for taking Richt of my Bulldog hands. Remember you wanted him.

    Heath as the Joker. ❤️ I really miss him. Talk about becoming the darkness. He embodied that role.

    I heart this post, C. I heart it SO MUCH.

    • I got my son into Kanye, like . . for reals.

      You haven’t thanked me for taking Richt off your hands yet TODAY, but every day leading up to this one, yep . . ya did. Do you know what Miami Hurricanes fans would give for a 10 win season? Well, neither do I. But it would be lots. And Richt is in a recruiting hotbed, and he doesn’t have to worry about big brother Bama and Florida and LSU et al. The ACC will prove highly winnable for a dude who has been steeled by the SEC wars. I’m actually quite psyched about this.

      As you probably noticed, I could not write much on Heath because it saddens me deeply to think on how that role- brilliant as he made it- may have contributed to his downward spiral. He was that kind of actor, in that he completely immersed himself into his character- he took no shortcuts. I wrote once that Heath had Oscars in him, and I know he did. He was transcendent. And like Amy, he took decades of amazing work with him when he left us.

      I’m rambling…

  2. What can I say, Pilgrim? You have isolated all the badasses and boiled them down to one supreme Badass. The only other badass I can think of is Lee Marvin. No matter what role he had you knew he was bad to the bone. I’m with you on His Vaderness. He’s the baddest.

  3. Duuuuuude I’m a total Luke Skywalker, Han Solo chick myself always rooting for light side of the force and I laugh at the fact that you cheered for Jaws that’s too funny. And you know the Yankees were the most hated but I LOVED Mariano Rivera. Duuuuude he handled his business…when he walked out I was like turn it off it’s over. Much respect. Hope you enjoyed the movie.

    • I haven’t seen 7 yet, lol. Friday, fo sho. And hermana, you make the light side a cool place to be. I just have a bromance when it comes to Darth. I would never tell him that, of course, because he’d crush my head.

  4. I always sympathized with the ambition and imagination of the bad guys. I remember watching GI Joe cartoons as a kid and in every episode COBRA would come up with an imaginative scheme to take over the world and GI Joe had no other ambition than to stop COBRA’s ambition. I feel the same about James Bond villains. A lot of those villains had some really imaginative schemes and James just crashes through the door and destroys that imagination.

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