As George Lucas is my witness, I haven’t been excited about Star Wars since Carrie Fisher stopped showing up and Darth Vader became an urban legend. I never really cared for Chewie, which no doubt makes me a member of the communist party to the comic-con crowd. Han Solo was a street smart hustler, and this fact alone made it impossible for me to believe in his character. I mean, how exactly did he get street smart when space . . has no streets?
Yoda reminded me of my Uncle. C-3PO reminded me of my other uncle. And R2-D2 always came across as a dirty little bastard- hanging around Princess Leia with his anatomically advantageous height. And Obi-Wan Kenobi used his powers for good! Pffffft. Why not just call the dude Vanilla Warrior?
For yours truly, it’s all about Darth Vader.
I love to root for the Dark Side of the moon when it comes to my entertainment. Want proof? Sure, why not . . .
The New York Yankees- Back in 2002, then Red Sox President Larry Lucchino coined the moniker “Evil Empire” to describe his club’s blood rivals. I will always have a soft spot in my cold, dark baseball heart for Double L as a result of this iconic proclamation. We’re talking about the most hated team in baseball, and maybe in all of sports. If Satan could hit a curveball, he’d be playing third base for us. If Dante wrote baseball, he’d have been a team scribe. Can you imagine the enmity that will be engendered if Bryce Harper and Jose Fernandez end up in pinstripes one day soon? Sigh . . . me too.
Jaws- I rooted for the shark.
Miami Heat- I’ve been crushing on the Heat since the Dark Master, Pat Riley, took his megalomaniacal skill set to South Beach in the mid ’90’s and turned the Heat into a perennial hater-magnet. My favorite edition was the 2010-11 team, simply because they were more hated than Al Quaida when LeBron James jilted his hometown for Lord Voldemort’s Castle. The enmity that filled visiting arenas when the James gang came to town was, dare I say, Vader-like in its hold. God it was beautiful.
Killgrave- The arch villain in Marvel’s Jessica Jones is my favorite bad guy since Heath Ledger’s turn as the Joker. David Tennant, who plays the evil Killgrave, is absolutely mesmerizing as the stylish, charming and completely psychotic badass. If you doubt what I’m saying, tune into Netflix and let him change your mind. Oh, he will.
The Joker- The Heath Ledger version, because it is the paradigm.
Catwoman- I’m a fool for any version of this naughty minx in black leather, but if you’re gonna force me to choose, Imma go with Anne Hathaway. She took out Bane, saved Gotham from annihilation and convinced Batman it really was time to hang ’em up and travel the world. So as you can plainly see, when she was good, she was very good. But man, when she was bad . . .
The Wicked Witch of the West- Um, without her? The Wizard of Oz was nothing more than a vintage episode of Dora the Explorer.
Gordon Gekko- Um, without him? Wall Street was nothing more than a vintage episode of The Wolf of Wall Street. Without all the cursing.
Miami Hurricanes Football- It’s been too long since the “U” was a four letter word. Best badass case scenario has the God fearing Mark Richt using his coaching skills for evil rather than good and thereby returning the program to its rightful place.
The Governor- If you want to get a feeling for what a Trump Presidency might feel like, he’s your man. His time as the arch-nemesis to Rick Grimes was much too brief. But he did serve to up the ante going forward, and from what I’m hearing? This Negan character is going to make the Governor look like a cub scout in comparison. I. Can’t. Wait.
Kanye- You gots to give the dude his props. He’s brash and cocky, but I tend to believe in the old saying that it ain’t bragging if you can do it. And he just so happens to be one of the best in the business.
Roddy Piper- A legendary figure who ushered in the golden age of a sport that never was a sport but kinda felt as if it was a sport. He was so good at the gig, even I dug his good guy persona. But I absolutely loved when he played the bad guy, because he made the arena you were sitting in hum with seething rage. And he did it wearing a kilt.
And really, what would a Dark Side post be without the Master of Disaster . .the Beast of Eden . .William Telekinesis . .the Bubble of Trouble . . the Saber Savant . . the Bloke of Choke . . the King of Crush . . the Dark Lord of the Universe himself . . Darth Vader?
Darth Vader is the epitome of what a bad guy should look like, feel like, and most importantly . . sound like. Darth Vader doesn’t have fat days and you know why? Because he wears black! You know the only time Darth Vader gets scared? When he looks in the mirror. You know what Darth Vader orders when he goes out to dinner? Whatever the fuck he wants. And if the restaurant doesn’t serve it?
Darth Vader don’t play. And that’s why he’s the best bad guy in the history of bad guys. Can you imagine Darth Vader making a cameo in a romantic comedy? I mean, without crushing everybody’s face for wasting an hour and a half of his dark life.
As with any character worth his weight in badness, Darth is a big picture guy who doesn’t concern himself with melancholy and all other manner of mental floss. You know what world domination looks like to Darth Vader? It looks like a C-.
If Darth Vader would have been an original James Bond villain, they never would have made it past Sean Connery. You know what the title of Diehard would have been if Darth had been in charge of that heist in Nakatomi Plaza? Die.
There’s Darth Vader, and then there’s every other bad ass.
I heart Darth Vader so much that I sat through Star Wars 4-6 just to see Annakin go all MIB . . and all I got was a hundred and twenty seconds of Lord Vader in the Suit.
And so Imma see Star Wars 7, in the hopes that Kylo Ren can add to the delightfully horrible legacy of his grandfather. I’m ashamed to admit I knew precious little about Kylo until recently, but now that I’m familiar with his badass body of work, I’m ready to venture into the dark once again.
It’s what Darth would have wanted.