Cayman’s NFL Cristal Ball Predictions (PSI not included)

Kansas City at New England:

The Patriots win a disputed coin toss, leading to an immediate investigation by the league office in which Tom Brady is suspended for warm-ups. The Chiefs come out on fire, scoring twenty-four unanswered points after which the Patriots fire their defensive coordinator and hand over the defensive play calling to Kylo Ren. The dark side awakens as Tom Brady leads a furious New England comeback, tossing four touchdown passes inside of a minute and a half. The historic feat is called into question by league investigators who argue the time/space continuum MUST have been tampered with. With two seconds remaining and the score tied at thirty-eight, the Patriots line up for a potential nineteen yard game winner. Concerned at the relative ease of such an attempt, Coach Bellichick orders his club to draw seven consecutive offsides penalties, thereby pushing them well out of field goal range. Stephen Gostkowski nails the fifty four yarder, putting the Patriots in the AFC title game. After the game, Belichick admits the culprit of his black eye. “I got a hoverboard for Christmas.”

Seattle at Carolina:

The game which was widely hailed as the top matchup of the weekend lives up to its billing as MVP in waiting Cam Newton and his counterpart Russell Wilson trade touchdown passes, the defenses trade big plays and the coaching staffs trade information on remaining job openings. After wrangling a TD pass away from Ted Ginn, Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman taunts him with a “Who’s Your Daddy?!”. Ginn responds with a teary eyed “I don’t know! Okay?!” Taken aback, Sherman hands the ball to Ginn as an apologetic gesture and then watches as Ginn dances back into the endzone yelling “Psych!”, drawing a collective “Oh . . . SNAP!” in Seattle. The Seahawks cling to a six point led at the two minute warning but Cam Newton is not to be denied as he leads his club on a ninety yard drive culminating in a five yard touchdown pass. To himself. He clinches the victory by kicking the extra point. Later on, Roger Goodell announces Cam Newton will become the other ‘team’ to join the Rams in Los Angeles.

Green Bay at Arizona:

In a pre-game interview, Aaron Rodgers tells reporters he has no plans to wed his gal pal Olivia Munn despite the fact no one asks him. The Green Bay signal caller picks up where he left off in Washington, completing his first ten passes before it occurs to him that he ain’t in Washington. The Cardinals take control of the game and are up thirty-one to ten at halftime. With an entire second half to muddle through- not to mention the rest of his life- Rodgers has a change of heart and marries Munn at the fifty-yard line. Bruce Arians presides over the ceremony. “I was just calling his bluff, I really thought she was a beard.” In the second half, the Packers make a short-lived comeback, Carson Palmer has an affair with Munn and Rodgers slaps her with divorce papers. Green Bay head coach Tom McCarthy is visibly relieved at the outcome. “I didn’t have time to get them anything, it would have been awkward.”

Pittsburgh at Denver:

In a shocking turn of events, Nick Saban is announced as the Broncos new head coach an hour before the game. Denver proceeds to pummel the Steelers, who have resorted to Craiglist ads to fill out their roster. Despite possessing less intrigue than a GOP debate, the contest is not without revelations: Peyton Manning learns that he is actually left handed, Nick Saban learns that it WAS Miami’s fault, and Ben Roethlisberger learns that Frosty the Snowman will not beat the shit out of you if you don’t finish a gallon of ice cream in one sitting. After the game, the city of Cincinnati tweets an apology to Pittsburgh which is met with a sharp “Fuck U! #couchpotatoes”. Cincy replies with “Well FUCK U THEN CAUSE WE DON’T MEAN IT! #notimeforthat!” The Twitter war goes back and forth until Roger Goodell suspends both cities for the first four games of the 2016 season, culminating in this tweet by the city of Cleveland “Puhleeze #NFL! U call THAT punishment!? smh”

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20 thoughts on “Cayman’s NFL Cristal Ball Predictions (PSI not included)

  1. Ok firstly, I was never a huge Bowie fan, but I admire his originality and paving the way for so many. But of his songs I like, Cat People and the staring a thousand years is my favorite. (Followed by Heroes.) So, awesome pick there.

    Laughing over the hover board and the Cam Newton. I had Superman as my FF QB. Drafted as backup to Peyton. Needless to say, Peyton saw most of the season on the bench.

    It would be entertaining to see a Denver Carolina game, but I’m going with my gut and saying Arizona New England. I may change that prediction on Monday, so don’t hold me to it. 😉

  2. C,

    It was SO depressing being in a hospital bed when I heard the news about Bowie. Took me by complete surprise, as it did most people. He was an innovator whose imprint is everlasting. I’ve exhausted my Bowie library and will start over now.

    While the post is for humor, the picks are real deal serious. I would love to see Kansas City take down New England but let’s be honest. How many times have we seen this movie? And Denver is going to beat Pittsburgh by default. I don’t give Green Bay much of a chance. The game I am really looking forward to is Carolina and Seattle. I consider the Seahawks the most interesting team in football over the last three season- on and off the field- and while I would love to see them make another Super push, I just think Cam is gonna get it done.

  3. Evidently, I can’t leave a comment, I can only reply, so here goes: WHY WERE YOU IN A HOSPITAL BED?? (you don’t have to tell me here)

    I am devastated by Bowie’s death. My son was home when Blackstar dropped. I told him I’d listen to it later. Neither of us knew about the cancer diagnosis (did anyone?). The Boy and I shared a passion for all things Bowie. The man was a marvel, always reaching and trying something different out of curiosity and excitement for the endless possibilities life holds. On the day the world learned about his death, my boy and I shared our grief in a series of texts and links.

    Re: your “Cristal” (good one, by the way) ball predictions, laughed my ass off even while I wondered about a lot of what you were talking about. (You guys know I don’t speak footballese, right?) The Twitter hashtag exchanges are perfection. And sadly, accurate.

    • I plumb forgot to email you before I went in, my apologies. I truly believed I was looking at three to five days, but that turned into nine days. I’ll email you all the forgettable details, none of which involved imminent death though, which is always a good thing 🙂

      You can’t leave a comment? Hmm, what’s that all about?

      Absolute Beginners is one of those songs/videos that, in my humble opinion, serves as a great example of what his music was all about. The style AND substance, both! His music spoke of a past while bridging the gap to a future- both of which had been constructed in large part by him. No hyperbole there, true shit. There was no pretense to his works, it was science experiment gone crazy nature all over the place and you could listen to it a thousand times and come away with something different every time.

      I am thankful to have grown up with his music, so very thankful.

  4. Great one Pilgrim. Certainly glad your hospital stay is over. I had to laugh out loud at each one of these predictions. As a Steeler fan I’m afraid you are right about Denver and the Ben smack about the ice cream was priceless. I loved Bowie too.

  5. This was so much fun reading after three of the four games present with an outcome. I’m still in shock over the Green Bay/AZ ending. Kinda anti-climatic to throw a Hail Mary only to watch the game go away because of the coin toss advantage. Looks like Christy’s prediction will be spot on.
    I was faced with the dilemma of wearing either my Marcus Allen or Gronkowski jersey yesterday to a wrestling meet. Given that the meet was in KC and both of my boys hate the Patriots, I stuck with school colors.
    Glad you’re home my friend 🙂

    • Okay, I gotta ask . . . .

      HOW DOES ARIZONA NOT HAVE THE NATIONAL GUARD DOWN THERE ON THE LAST PLAY OF THE GAME WITH AARON RODGERS FLINGING IT UP?!!!

      That said, I wish both sides would have gotten a chance, but hey, that’s how the rules be set up.

      I was kinda hoping Seattle had another run in them, they gave it a good run in the second half but you can’t let a team like Carolina get up by that many and live to tell. Not usually.

      Smart choice of colors for the meet, Mama. I am relatively certain that everyone outside of New England is ready for something other than New England in the Super Bowl. Of course, there’s the matter of Tom Brady and Co being agreeable to going home early, and they ain’t.

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