Kansas City at New England:
The Patriots win a disputed coin toss, leading to an immediate investigation by the league office in which Tom Brady is suspended for warm-ups. The Chiefs come out on fire, scoring twenty-four unanswered points after which the Patriots fire their defensive coordinator and hand over the defensive play calling to Kylo Ren. The dark side awakens as Tom Brady leads a furious New England comeback, tossing four touchdown passes inside of a minute and a half. The historic feat is called into question by league investigators who argue the time/space continuum MUST have been tampered with. With two seconds remaining and the score tied at thirty-eight, the Patriots line up for a potential nineteen yard game winner. Concerned at the relative ease of such an attempt, Coach Bellichick orders his club to draw seven consecutive offsides penalties, thereby pushing them well out of field goal range. Stephen Gostkowski nails the fifty four yarder, putting the Patriots in the AFC title game. After the game, Belichick admits the culprit of his black eye. “I got a hoverboard for Christmas.”
Seattle at Carolina:
The game which was widely hailed as the top matchup of the weekend lives up to its billing as MVP in waiting Cam Newton and his counterpart Russell Wilson trade touchdown passes, the defenses trade big plays and the coaching staffs trade information on remaining job openings. After wrangling a TD pass away from Ted Ginn, Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman taunts him with a “Who’s Your Daddy?!”. Ginn responds with a teary eyed “I don’t know! Okay?!” Taken aback, Sherman hands the ball to Ginn as an apologetic gesture and then watches as Ginn dances back into the endzone yelling “Psych!”, drawing a collective “Oh . . . SNAP!” in Seattle. The Seahawks cling to a six point led at the two minute warning but Cam Newton is not to be denied as he leads his club on a ninety yard drive culminating in a five yard touchdown pass. To himself. He clinches the victory by kicking the extra point. Later on, Roger Goodell announces Cam Newton will become the other ‘team’ to join the Rams in Los Angeles.
Green Bay at Arizona:
In a pre-game interview, Aaron Rodgers tells reporters he has no plans to wed his gal pal Olivia Munn despite the fact no one asks him. The Green Bay signal caller picks up where he left off in Washington, completing his first ten passes before it occurs to him that he ain’t in Washington. The Cardinals take control of the game and are up thirty-one to ten at halftime. With an entire second half to muddle through- not to mention the rest of his life- Rodgers has a change of heart and marries Munn at the fifty-yard line. Bruce Arians presides over the ceremony. “I was just calling his bluff, I really thought she was a beard.” In the second half, the Packers make a short-lived comeback, Carson Palmer has an affair with Munn and Rodgers slaps her with divorce papers. Green Bay head coach Tom McCarthy is visibly relieved at the outcome. “I didn’t have time to get them anything, it would have been awkward.”
Pittsburgh at Denver:
In a shocking turn of events, Nick Saban is announced as the Broncos new head coach an hour before the game. Denver proceeds to pummel the Steelers, who have resorted to Craiglist ads to fill out their roster. Despite possessing less intrigue than a GOP debate, the contest is not without revelations: Peyton Manning learns that he is actually left handed, Nick Saban learns that it WAS Miami’s fault, and Ben Roethlisberger learns that Frosty the Snowman will not beat the shit out of you if you don’t finish a gallon of ice cream in one sitting. After the game, the city of Cincinnati tweets an apology to Pittsburgh which is met with a sharp “Fuck U! #couchpotatoes”. Cincy replies with “Well FUCK U THEN CAUSE WE DON’T MEAN IT! #notimeforthat!” The Twitter war goes back and forth until Roger Goodell suspends both cities for the first four games of the 2016 season, culminating in this tweet by the city of Cleveland “Puhleeze #NFL! U call THAT punishment!? smh”