When Cayman asked me, Michelle, and Mary if we’d be interested in sharing the Drinks reins, I came down with a bad case of the giggles. The notion of me ever drinking well with anyone is hysterical. (I’m knocking on five years of sobriety.) But then I reminded myself that I’m a pretty civilized coffee drinker–after my first two cups–and that seemed to settle down my giggle fit. So I talked with my BBF– my bloggy bestie friend (BFF is so three years ago)–Michelle, and our first impulse was a resounding, “Hell yeah!”
But then we checked ourselves. First rule in sales–and in feminine wiles–never appear too eager or you may get taken advantage of. So we slowed our roll and said coyly, “Maybeeeee….”–Oh come on, you know you appreciate something more when you have to work for it.–“But we have a few little contractual demands.”
First on Michelle’s list was a lifetime supply of chocolate frosting. (How you doing with securing that frosting, Cayman?) While first thing on Christy’s list was Viggo.
“What’s a Viggo?” I hear one or two of you ask. Yes, I know. But it has come to my attention that not everyone on this planet knows who Viggo Mortensen is. Not only that, but one or two of you haven’t even seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Well folks, Viggo Mortensen is my Leaning Tower of Pisa; he is my Holy Grail; he is the reason I believe in God. Viggo Mortensen can take me to church any day. Quite simply, Viggo Mortensen is my Vera Farmiga. And if you’ve been following Cayman for any amount of time, you know how he loves Vera.
Besides, if Cayman is gonna have his Vera Invitational, it’s only fair that the girls get to have a Viggo Invitational. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right? (By the way, what exactly is a gander?)
Having two judges on the Viggo Board of Hotties (me and Michelle) presents a couple of unique challenges. It wouldn’t be much fun if we both picked the same guys. Besides then we’d have to fight over them and, hot girls in a cat fight in a mud pit and double chicken wings, well that’s such a Ronda Rousey cliché. We decided to be civilized about the whole affair. And what says civilized like American Football? Right? Michelle and I decided we would DRAFT our KINGS and build our own personal teams of hotties.
Rules? As if. We don’t need no stinkin’ rules.
With the first pick of the Viggo Mortensen Invitational, Christy picks:
Big surprise right? (Oh come on. At least act a little surprised.) But let me take a few moments to explain what it is that makes Viggo so special to me. Sure, he was hot as Aragorn in The Lord of the Rings, and yes, his scenes with Gweneth were steamy in A Perfect Murder, and the way he held a spatula in one hand and a shotgun in the other in A History of Violence made me weak in the knees, and the way he rode a horse in Hidalgo made me wish I was an Appaloosa, and in The Road, Viggo still managed to maintain his physical deliciousness even in the end of days. But more than that? Viggo is a true Renaissance Man. He even makes Leonardo look one-dimensional. (Leonardo da Vinci, not that other Leo. As if. (Insert sound of a cat hacking up a hairball.))
Give me a man who not only has bedroom eyes, but who knows his way around a metaphor and the exquisite lost art of rhetoric. Give me a man whose wits and words make me swoon when my eyes are closed, who stimulates my brain and not just my G-spot. Give me a man versed in art and poetry. Give me a man who gets it, man. And Viggo gets it.
Viggo is an actor, writer, poet, photographer, painter, musician, animal lover, politico, and parent. Before he ever acted, he published a book of poetry. He takes photos everywhere he travels. He’s fluent in English, Spanish, Danish, French, Swedish and Norwegian. (“Yeah, well, I’m interested. I like to know what people are talking about, so sometimes you have to learn other languages.”) He bought the horses he rode in Hidalgo and LOTR because he established such a bond with them. He does all of his own horseback stunts. He even owns a publishing company, specializing in publishing work by emerging poets and writers.
Viggo also has a fine appreciation for dark chocolate, and is not afraid to share. From an interview with The Guardian:
(Viggo) … I also like chocolate. I eat a lot of chocolate. I like them really dark, really tasty.
(Interviewer) … He also presents me with two large chocolate squares, one wrapped in pink paper that has a handwritten “Venezuela” on it, and another in orange paper that has a handwritten “Indonesia”. I am not sure whether he hand wrapped them himself or whether they came from a hand-wrapped chocolate shop. I imagine him travelling the world with a suitcase of wrapped chocolates.
And that, my friends, is why Viggo is my number one pick, why I would consider concubine status, and why he is the namesake of our Invitational.
So, Michelle, who’s first on your draft, and why?
Hey chica, if you hadn’t caught me off-guard with the ole dreaded chicken wing, I may have had enough left in me to beat you to Viggo. Remember him in G.I. Jane?
Payback time! Since all is fair in love and war, I’m going for the jugular and choosing Norman Reedus.
Shocker, right? Seems that we are drawn to the men with the brooding eyes, broken insides, and in need of a woman’s touch. I’m all about fixing the broken boys, and Norman’s character, Daryl Dixon, in The Walking Dead is a beautifully busted choice.
Mr. Reedus may not be the classic handsome dude like Gerard Butler or Russell Crowe, but there’s a reason he’s my Number 1 and they aren’t. (Though, don’t rule them out for slot receiver positions on down the line.)
In an interview with The Guardian, Norman shared the following:
Allowing himself to fall in love is something Daryl Dixon wouldn’t have done until after he’s lost everything and the world’s gone to s**t,” Reedus said. “Part of that character’s appeal is that you’re watching this guy reinvent himself as someone who’s finding a sense of self-worth through other people in his life. He’s slowly becoming proud of who he is.
Nice man stealing, err I mean strategy, Michelle. I hate you now, but I love your wicked ways. Let’s take a time-out here so I can go plot my revenge… 🙂
And there you have it friends. Round One of the Inaugural Viggo Invitational. We wanted to give our first round picks the full attention they deserved, but we’ll be back soon to finish our draft rounds. Until then!
“Take Me to Church” by Hozier