Now that the 2016 Snowpocalypse has run its course and the Eastern seaboard gets busy digging itself out of this crazy haze of winter, I got some thoughts running through my head. Okay, they’re more like screaming voices that refuse to let me be. Soooo . . might as well share.
. . . Do we really need a tutorial on what frostbite looks like every time there’s a snowstorm? If your fingers turn the color of eggplant and possess less feeling than Marie Osmond, your digits are fucked. We get it!
. . . As for the idea that shoveling increases your risk of a heart attack, I’m thinking this idea was hatched by dudes who wanted to get out of shoveling the driveway.
. . . Is there ANY way possible that we can blame this winter storm on Ted Cruz?
. . . When I hear someone say “Cold enough for you?”, I mentally punch them in the face, several times over. Until they’re unconscious.
. . . The Hot Chocolate Sampler from Williams Sonoma is a beautiful thing. Served up with churros, it is positively orgasmic.
. . . If you can say the word ‘orgasmic’, you don’t have frostbite.
. . . What I read this week (For Michelle). Kite Runner, the Prophet, League of Denial and Life of Pi. Just read Isaac Guzman’s piece on David Bowie in Time Magazine, and it’s a solid gold tribute to a remarkable man that’s worth a look.
. . . When Mother Nature goes medieval on our asses, television becomes a Dark Master. And while I pride myself on bypassing commercials in total, I do happen to love the Volkswagen “Beth” spot. It’s simply perfect. And it gives much deserved play to an all time classic ballad.
. . . I couldn’t care less about Hilary Clinton’s emails. Bill’s emails, on the other hand, I’d be very interested.
. . . This is akin to Super Bowl weekend for these Weather Channel peeps.
. . . What? Kids don’t play King of the Mountain anymore? Or is it an app now?
. . . Indoor snowball fights with foam snowballs is like gluten free pizza.
. . . Travel bans, schmavel bans! This dude fought the power, and became my hero.
. . . Netflix movies suck, but their original shows are pretty solid and their documentaries are worth the price of admission. Currently watching “World War II in Colour”. If you’re not down with the lead up to the war, check it out. If you are, check it out anyway.
. . . I’m undefeated as the head coach of the Miami Dolphins . . on PS4. Still, that has to count for something.
. . . I wonder what Mike Huckabee is doing right now? I mean, other than not running a legitimate Presidential campaign, again.
. . . Which came first? The non-sequitur or Sarah Palin?
. . . You know what they call this blizzard in Chicago? May.
. . . Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup go with blizzards like peas and carrots. Yes, Christy, I’m talking about us.
. . . Speaking of, Mama and Christy introduced me to Luke Bryan and I found a snow weekend anthem for my education. So thank you Mama, Christy and yes, thank you too Viggo.
. . . My front porch is doing a spot on impersonation of a ’70’s nightclub.
. . . I’m really thankful that I didn’t grow up in the age of snowshoes, because I don’t trust that shit. At all.
. . . Find me a person who plans on voting for Martin O’ Malley, win big cash prize.
. . . My cat looks at snow with total contempt. Never mind, that’s how he looks at everything.
. . . When building a snowman with young children, placement of the carrot is tantamount to peaceful co-existence with the neighbors. So pay attention.
. . . If we catch Frosty the Snowman alive, I say we send the fucker to Qatar.
. . . Then again, I say the same thing about Justin Bieber.
. . . We’re a couple weeks from pitchers and catchers. It only FEELS like a lifetime.
. . . Before there was Twitter, there was writing your name in the snow . .
. . . Not for nothing, but this snowfall looks a hell of a lot like the Oscars.
. . . I blame the screaming voices in my head for that one. And Mike Huckabee, I blame him too.
. . . Jack Frost be like “Yeah bitches, now what?”
. . . Hey! I CAN see Russia from my back yard!
. . . If you took the over on two feet of snow, you probably invested in a snowblower as well. And Apple stock. So congratulations on winning the Powerball of Life!