It’s like Currier and Ives had a baby with Eli Roth

Snow LoungersNow that the 2016 Snowpocalypse has run its course and the Eastern seaboard gets busy digging itself out of this crazy haze of winter, I got some thoughts running through my head. Okay, they’re more like screaming voices that refuse to let me be. Soooo . . might as well share.

 . . . Do we really need a tutorial on what frostbite looks like every time there’s a snowstorm? If your fingers turn the color of eggplant and possess less feeling than Marie Osmond, your digits are fucked. We get it! 

. . . As for the idea that shoveling increases your risk of a heart attack, I’m thinking this idea was hatched by dudes who wanted to get out of shoveling the driveway. 

. . . Is there ANY way possible that we can blame this winter storm on Ted Cruz? 

. . . When I hear someone say “Cold enough for you?”, I mentally punch them in the face, several times over. Until they’re unconscious. 

. . . The Hot Chocolate Sampler from Williams Sonoma is a beautiful thing. Served up with churros, it is positively orgasmic. 

. . . If you can say the word ‘orgasmic’, you don’t have frostbite. 

. . . What I read this week (For Michelle). Kite Runner, the Prophet, League of Denial and Life of Pi. Just read Isaac Guzman’s piece on David Bowie in Time Magazine, and it’s a solid gold tribute to a remarkable man that’s worth a look. 

. . . When Mother Nature goes medieval on our asses, television becomes a Dark Master. And while I pride myself on bypassing commercials in total, I do happen to love the Volkswagen “Beth” spot. It’s simply perfect. And it gives much deserved play to an all time classic ballad. 

. . . I couldn’t care less about Hilary Clinton’s emails. Bill’s emails, on the other hand, I’d be very interested. 

. . . This is akin to Super Bowl weekend for these Weather Channel peeps. 

. . . What? Kids don’t play King of the Mountain anymore? Or is it an app now? 

. . . Indoor snowball fights with foam snowballs is like gluten free pizza. 

. . . Travel bans, schmavel bans! This dude fought the power, and became my hero. 

. . . Netflix movies suck, but their original shows are pretty solid and their documentaries are worth the price of admission. Currently watching “World War II in Colour”. If you’re not down with the lead up to the war, check it out. If you are, check it out anyway. 

. . . I’m undefeated as the head coach of the Miami Dolphins . . on PS4. Still, that has to count for something.  

. . . I wonder what Mike Huckabee is doing right now? I mean, other than not running a legitimate Presidential campaign, again. 

. . . Which came first? The non-sequitur or Sarah Palin? 

. . . You know what they call this blizzard in Chicago? May. 

. . . Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup go with blizzards like peas and carrots. Yes, Christy, I’m talking about us. 

. . . Speaking of, Mama and Christy introduced me to Luke Bryan and I found a snow weekend anthem for my education. So thank you Mama, Christy and yes, thank you too Viggo. 

. . . My front porch is doing a spot on impersonation of a ’70’s nightclub. 

. . . I’m really thankful that I didn’t grow up in the age of snowshoes, because I don’t trust that shit. At all. 

. . . Find me a person who plans on voting for Martin O’ Malley, win big cash prize. 

. . . My cat looks at snow with total contempt. Never mind, that’s how he looks at everything. 

. . . When building a snowman with young children, placement of the carrot is tantamount to peaceful co-existence with the neighbors. So pay attention. 

Facebook Blizzard. . . I wonder what Vera is doing right now? I mean, other than not having sex with me. 

. . . If we catch Frosty the Snowman alive, I say we send the fucker to Qatar. 

. . . Then again, I say the same thing about Justin Bieber. 

. . . We’re a couple weeks from pitchers and catchers. It only FEELS like a lifetime. 

. . . Before there was Twitter, there was writing your name in the snow . . 

. . . Not for nothing, but this snowfall looks a hell of a lot like the Oscars. 

. . . I blame the screaming voices in my head for that one. And Mike Huckabee, I blame him too. 

. . . Jack Frost be like “Yeah bitches, now what?” 

. . . Hey! I CAN see Russia from my back yard! 

. . . If you took the over on two feet of snow, you probably invested in a snowblower as well. And Apple stock. So congratulations on winning the Powerball of Life! 



22 thoughts on “It’s like Currier and Ives had a baby with Eli Roth

  1. I love your random rants and thoughts posts… Almost as much as I love grilled cheese and tomato soup. Ever put rice in your tomato soup? Or tomato on your grilled cheese? Or corn flakes on your ice cream?

    Luke’s not bad, is he?

    We finished Narcos last night. Great season!

    Since you’ve got a little country thing going, ever listen to Jason Isbell? He’s one of my favorites, though more Americana than Pop Country. Sturgil Simpson is good too (You’ll recognize “The Promise”)

    Ok halftime is over. Brady is gonna have to step it up!

  2. Nice, that you read some fine books for Michelle. Those are four good ones. Rice in tomato soup? Come on guys you put jalapenos in your tomato soup. Rice is for weddings. Sorry, we missed the snow. Would have been fun. Nice post, Pilgrim

  3. I love LOVE your random thoughts post. I’m sitting in a Memphis hotel lobby warding off the crazy looks I’m getting because I’m playing Luke Bryan and laughing out loud.
    Pitchers and Catchers…yes! I just ordered some crazy good tickets for a Royals/Twins matchup in the Minnesota. The ice and snow should be gone by then, but no promises.
    Thank you for the lightheartedness this morning -it’s just what the doctor ordered.
    *mentally adding your book list to mine.

  4. I had to get you a book list, seeing as how I had told you I tend to binge on my book reading. Documentaries and books when I have time on my hands, no doubt about it. I’ve read The Prophet and Life of Pi bucco times and I will read them many more. A creature of good habits, at least as far as my books are concerned.

    Luke Bryan is solid. And so is this Jason Isbell that C introduced me to. I was throwing down country all yesterday morning. Little Big Town, Band Perry, Luke Bryan, Garth, Jason Isbell, Carrie Underwood. Gotta say, it did me some good.

    Pitchers and Catchers….and NBA vs MLB…right around the corner!

    Have a wonderful, safe trip. And here’s one for ya.

  5. Gotta love the random thoughts – the Peas edition! Well done. In Cincy we have a fabulous grilled cheese and tomato soup eatery … the guys actually won on Shark Tank … plus they serve a grilled cheese donut. In terms of your Fins, interestingly, 4 of the assistants are now here … but wait … 2 with the Bengals and 2 with the Bearcats.

  6. That’s Tom and Chee you’re talking about, right? We have a restaurant here in Lancaster. Have been there several times, love their funky combos. The Hot and Spicy, the Flying Pig and the Armagoetta. I have not partaken of the grilled cheese donut, though. I’m not sure about that one, lol. I’ve had a bite of a Krispy Kreme burger and while it wasn’t horrible, I am certain a bite was all I needed.

    Is it delusional to love the Gase hiring? I was hoping we veered away from the big name splashy hire (See Chip Kelly, Sean Payton). I wanted a young guy like Gase or McVay or the Redskins (He’s gonna be a hot name soon if the Redskins offense keeps it up). I did kinda like the idea of Josh McDaniels, seeing as how I think he’s gonna be much better in his second go round as a head coach. I’m miffed that a team like the Titans didn’t hire him, what with Mariotta in Year 2.

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