Did you play along in our Pick the Winners Oscars event? You have until Sunday 4:00 pm central. Hurry!
Welcome friends and strangers to the final draft rounds of our 1st Annual Viggo Mortensen Invitational. Yep, you read correctly. This post wraps up our draft and gives Michelle and I each nine hotties on our fantasy teams. You can catch our previous two posts here and here.
I wanted to write something special, something to commemorate the event, but who am I kidding? You don’t care about the intro, and we don’t really care about it either, so I’ll just use what I wrote for the rough draft, and then we’ll jump right into the candy dish. The eye candy dish, that is.
INTRO, BLAH BLAH BITCH SLAP BLAH BLAH
So for my 4th and 5th picks, I select:
Top five reasons John is one of my picks: 1) He has great hair. 2) He’s smart as hell. 3) He’s a smart-ass liable to say anything. 4) High Fidelity. 5) He has great hair. Oops, sorry, did I say that already? Well, it is really great hair.
And my next pick:
Any dude that blows up the world to avenge his dog? Yes, please. I want to know if anything happens to me, those fuckers are going to pay. Plus he builds motorcycles. And he was in a band. And he has great hair.
K, Michelle, you’re up… I bet your picks don’t have hair like John or Keanu.
Who needs hair when you can have lungs? How about lungs AND hair? Read ’em and weep, Playa. In this round, I’m a little bit country and a little bit rock-n-roll, but not near as wholesome as Marie Osmond.
My next hot pick–an outlaw after my heart….
Do you SEE the way he’s looking at me? Holy geez…he reminds me of my high school boyfriend, but without the mommy issues and clunker car. I love everything Eric puts down – his songs, the lyrics, and penchant to piss people off. He makes me want to say bad words.
And speaking of bad, love, and giving love a bad name; this next pick is credited to our own handsome Cayman Thorn.
Jon Bon (Buns) Jovi
Cayman hinted that somebody needed to insert him into the draft and I hopped all over the chance to slot him anywhere near me. Seriously – he looks as good now as he did when we wore neon shirts and acid-washed jeans. Admittedly, I was always jealous that his hair was bigger than mine, but I don’t hold grudges.
Hey, no fair, Michelle, I thought I was the one that made you want to cuss. You are such a wicked tease! And I am absolutely shot in the heart (and you’re to blame!) that you nabbed Jon before I could too. Nice pick! But that’s okay, I’m already over it. Because . . . two words:
Ryan turns my Grumpy Cat into a Happy Kitty.
And because I like fried chicken.
But speaking of fried chicken . . . that leads me to my next pick. Because while I adore Ryan Gosling, there’s no way in hell that I’m going to eat fried chicken in front of him while ten pounds of lard spontaneously appear on my ass. No. For that sort of eating and corresponding ass-fat growth, one needs . . .
wait for it . . .
oh yes, I’m going there . . .
Rogen. Seth Rogen.
Now here’s a dude you can eat fried chicken with. In your sweats. And drink a twelve-pack with. And laugh and snort and cuss with, and watch the Exorcist or the Super Bowl with, and skip the make-up and eat dessert…twice! with, and not have to pretend you’re perfect around him, because he’s not perfect either and he adores you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, unlike that other dude Ryan who may be perfect but–come on–you would never scarf down fried chicken around Ryan because you would scare the living shit out of him.
No, for scary-chicken-eating you need Seth.
And hey Cayman… Seth could totally do James Bond. Totally.
So Michelle, have anyone you can eat fried chicken with?
Absolutely! Who eats fried chicken better than anyone we know? A good ‘ole southern boy, that’s who. Even with an early 90s’ mullet, my next pick is…
(Slim) Tim McGraw
He’s been an Indian Outlaw, taught us to live like we were dying, and can wear jeans and a cowboy hat like nobody’s business. Add to that, his baseball lineage and I’m ready to set his cowboy boots under my bed any time. Faith is one lucky lady.
And speaking of lucky ladies. How about Blake Lively? As if having flawless skin and a banging body wasn’t enough, she had to snag herself a beautiful man, too. My next pick…
Booyah, baby! Are you having Wrong Ryan Regret? Did you see him in the Super Bowl commercial?
Now what do you have for me, BBF??
Oh sweet heavens. Those abs can’t be real. There’s no way in the world that man eats fried chicken. No way. Commerical? You mean that was a commercial? I thought it was Ryan’s new show and all that extra football stuff was the commercials.
Okay, so I mentioned I had surprises in this round. Did you think Seth was my only surprise pick? Um…nope. Although anyone who has read my work closely won’t be suprised by my next pick.
But not just any Uma Thurman . . . Uma in Pulp Fiction.
And my last pick in the draft …
She’s sultry and sexy.
She’s sweet and smart.
And she channels Mia Wallace (Pulp Fiction Uma).
The very astute will notice that Rachel was not originally on my draft list. But then she had to go and wear that green dress. That almost bumped her to the very top, yes even over Viggo, but then I’d have to go and change the names on the series and past posts, and meh, I’m just not that industrious. Instead I’ll just sit here and stare at that lovely emerald dress and those strategically placed wrinkles…
So how about the other sweet and sexy beauty who has captured my heart with her wicked ways? (Yes, I’d draft her, but I’m no dummy. I franchise-tagged her on Day One!) Who is last on your list, Michelle my belle?
Nicely done with the ladies, Christy. I said goddamn, I got a girl crush for sure! But, I’m on to your wicked game, sister. Trying to distract me with the women, and butter me up with your sweet nothings when all I wanna do is bury my nose in this guy’s fur. You know what rhymes with “fur?” Purr…as is in purrfect. My final pick…
Three parts kind, sweet and gentle – two parts strong and determined. I’ll
lick love each and every one of his parts one by one.
Winter is coming, and so am I if Jon Snow returns in April.
Phew! Smoke ’em if you’ve got ’em, ladies! And with that, our draft teams are complete. Thanks everyone for tuning in, and thanks again Cayman for being such a good sport. We hope it was as good for you as it was for us!
Love, Christy and Michelle
“That Don’t Impress Me Much” by the goddess Shania (Brad Pitt doesn’t impress us much, either)