The Oscar Recap, or Stuff White People Like

Oscar audienceToo soon?

I sure as hell hope so, because pissing off white people has become my new favorite hobby- replacing my poisonous scorpion collection (I donated them to Starbucks) and Pig Latin word puzzles.

I’m not gonna pile on by scrounging for a cheap laugh, but . . if you insist, here’s one. Watching the Oscars is sort of like showing up at the DMV in Scandinavia; a sea of white people sitting around for hours, waiting for their number to be called and secretly hating the people who get chosen instead of them.

Chris Rock as Oscar host makes sense any year, but this one just happened to be timed perfectly. His best line came when he observed that he wouldn’t even have been present if Oscar hosts were nominated. His forgettable came with all those Kevin Hart references. He did a solid job of lampooning the monochromatic assemblage without getting all preachy on us. I’m not going to recite the list of deserving nominees that went missing last night since Christy did a spot on job of that in her Oscars post.

Before I get down with my take on last night’s winners, here’s one of my Oscarvations. Yes, I combined Oscar with observation. Because I feel the GOP ain’t doing enough to fuck up the English language as it is.

Cayman’s Oscarvation #1: 

The Red Carpet is more useless than Marie Osmond’s lingerie drawer. Prance, preen, pose and repeat . . a thousand times over. Every now and then, a celebrity is asked an innocuous question, which is answered in equal parts buttercream logic and dry vermouth belches. Por ejemplo.

“Jennifer, you look amazing! What are you hoping for tonight?”

That’s not a question, that’s a verbal blowjob. Let Cayman have a turn at it, and this is how I would roll.

“Jennifer, you are looking so creamy that Neil Patrick Harris got wood. But ‘fess up girlfriend, you hate ALL these bitches, don’t you?”

It would be the only question I asked. Otherwise known as, worth it.

I’ve taken seven award winners to pick on. Why seven? Because it’s a favorite number of mine. Because it was a great flick. Because Mickey Mantle transformed it. But mostly because there are way too many fucking awards given out. It’s like Ryan Reynold’s endless abs . . . enough already!

Best Supporting Actress:

Alicia Vikander is from Sweden, and she won for her portrayal of a wife whose husband is preparing to undergo a sex change operation in a movie-The Danish Girl– with an all white (or close enough) cast. That’s called staying on script, right?  

Best Actor: 

The bear made an appearance last night! Understandably, he wasn’t seated anywhere near Leo. That bear spoke for all of us when it was ripping Leo to shreds. But I guess you have to be a polar bear to get any buzz . . and for that you can blame Al Gore. In other news . . . Leo scored an Oscar, and he used the moment to thank his parents and . . of course, climate change. I keep having this recurring nightmare that he runs for President in 2020, so I’m thinking a zombie apocalypse would come in handy in a couple years. 

Cayman’s Oscarvation #2: 

You can only be a seat filler at the Oscars if you have a family member who works for the Academy or you slept with Jared Leto. That cancels me out, seeing as how I don’t have a relative who works for the Academy and Jared ain’t returning my calls.

Best Supporting Actor: 

For anyone who thinks Sylvester Stallone was a silly choice for best supporting actor, I ask you to check out the current Presidential favorite and get back to me on the idea of silly. So he lost to a dude named Mark Rylance and all I gotta say is Fuck Whitey! 

Cayman’s Oscarvation #3:

Question: What do the Oscars and the NBA have in common?

Answer: Nothing, you racist bastard!

Best Actress: 

Is there a whiter name than Brie Larson? So I went to the Black Person Name Generator (Yes, it’s a thing) and I gave her little white ass a new name to go along with her Oscar. Congratulations Jafreese!

Cayman’s Oscarvation #4

Donald Trump doesn’t need to build a wall to keep people out. He just needs to consult the Academy.

Best Director:

A white dude . . . phew! (Well, not exactly… but white enough.)

Cayman’s Oscarvation #5

Louis CK killed it.

Best Animated Film: 

I think we ALL chose Inside Out. Yanno, it’s really kinda cool when everyone agrees. It sorta makes me feel like . . zzzzzzzzz. Huh? What? I nodded off there . . . what was I saying? (Hey, the actors in Inside Out weren’t all white . . it’s called progress.)

Cayman’s Oscarvation Bonus: 

When Joe Biden walked onto the stage, I thought Donald Trump’s rebels had stormed the White House in a coup and the Vice President was searching for safe haven. Instead, he was there as an advocate for victims of sexual assault. Lady Gaga followed Biden’s heartfelt message with a spine tingling rendition of the Oscar nominated song, Till It Happens To YouAnd really, they could have closed the show right there and nobody would have complained. Except for Leo, but he doesn’t count.

Best “Pick the Oscars With Us” Guesser:

Nancytex, who somehow got a whopping 19 out of 24 categories correct in our “Pick the Winners” Oscar Event. The next closest came in at 13. Nancy is either: really smart, really lucky, really sleeping with someone at Pricewaterhousecoopers, or all of the above. She missed “Best Picture” but I don’t think she’s too upset about that, since she picked The Revenant even though she commented, “It pains me to no end that The Revenant, and Leo, will both win. Ugh.” Christy will recap the data later this week for the two or three of you who geek out over that stuff.

Welp, that’s a wrap for another year. I would like to thank God. White people never thank God, unless they’re running for political office. I also want to thank Christy for her deliciously snarky Oscar post last week. In the words of Mia Wallace, she was disco. And I would be remiss if I didn’t thank Spike Lee for following through on his vow not to show up. It was a strong statement by a legendary director . . and umm, has he ever actually attended the Oscars? I don’t know . . that he’s ever shown up. But still, strong statement bro . . fight the power!

Hey man, it’s never too soon.



59 thoughts on “The Oscar Recap, or Stuff White People Like

  1. Well, Pilgrim a laugh a second (or something like that) Not bad for a white guy. I think you should also thank Rev. Sharpton for staying home as well. Oh wait, he’s not in the movie business is he?

    • I always dug the Oscars. Probably because my mom would let me stay up when I was a boy and watch. Good times, indeed.

      Yeah, I thought it was a good show. Chris Rock can host ANY show and I would tune in. Even that Nickelodeon awards show.

      As for as watching some movies, you and me both!

  2. I’m almost glad that I was the only person in the world who thought The Oscars started at 8 and only caught the last hour. If I had seen more, it would have been a spoiler for this blog.

  3. First, I’m so glad you traded in the poisonous scorpions for pissing off white people. The white people are far less dangerous. Unless you’re a black kid on the way to the movies, well, you know. Hey, if Chris Rock can go there. Just sayin.

    Your post was, to quote Mia, warmer, warmer, dis-co! They should call you to host. After they call Louis CK. God he stole the show. He and the bear. And the Aussie sound guys who won for Mad Max. And Rachel’s emerald dress. And Benicio. And Seth Rogen. And. Wha? That wasn’t Seth? Are you sure?

    Jafreese? Omg Cayman, you slay me. You just do. You’re all that and a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

    • Louis was ridiculous, I was hoping something would happen that would cause his time on stage to be prolonged. Like maybe Angelina storming off the stage because Brad admitted he wants a divorce so he can marry himself . . . or maybe Leo would trip on his ego and bust his head open and we’d learn that he bleeds hydraulic fluid . . or Kanye would show up to accept an award for the real winner and Liza Minelli would hit him upside his head and then start dry humping him. And then Louis could do an hour long skit . . . yeah.

      Seth wasn’t there. He was getting ab implants from Ryan. Oh . . that’s right, Seth don’t need no damn abs! He’s Bond! James Bond!

      Seriously, that was Brie’s name when I put it in the black name generator. The first time it came up Sherise, but I wanted to be . . . umm, professional and shit, so I tried it a few more times and Jafreese won.

      Thanks for reminding me . . I need to buy some girl scout cookies! 🙂

        • I just hope Leo keeps picking movie parts that have him getting mauled by a bear. The law of averages . . yanno?

          Top five favorite cookies then, cookie girl.

          Seth would make a great pal. He’d be all about late night pizza runs and binge watching Tarantino flicks.

          • Seth would make a great pal, huh? It would be difficult to stay in a bad mood around him. He’d either have you laughing in no time or plotting out revenge scenarios.

            I have a feeling Leo is done with bears. Although it did bring him an Oscar. So there may be a line of people wanting to work with that bear. Kinda like Tom Hanks.

            1. Snickerdoodles like my grandmother made

            2. My mom’s chocolate chip cookies. Crispy edges, soft gooey insides.

            3. Belvita blueberry breakfast cookies. I eat a package every morning. But they’re like healthy cookies with whole grains and everything.

            4. My peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. Like a Reese’s cup in cookie form.

            5. Ben & Jerry’s cookie dough ice cream. It’s kind of a cookie. Only better.

  4. This is funny, although I’m going to admit that i don’t know who most of the people are. Chris Rock is hilarious and I almost wanted a tv…just to observe all that irony. I only saw The Big Short. It was really good, but fairly segmented to the nuances of bank swindles and subprime loans. Fascinating stuff and not being sarcastic. It had the “other” Ryan and Pitt. Pitt is meh.

    You are correct. Se7en is a great movie. Spacey is chilling and Freeman is wise. Pitt is meh.

    Thank you for the recap…

    • Jaded,

      There are so many movies I am interested in checking out after filling out the Oscar ballot. I planned on checking out several of the Oscar nominated flicks but I didn’t get very far with that.

      Seven is such a great flick. And Morgan Freeman? He could read a cereal box and I would be transfixed. Christy mentioned him as an Oscar host and I love that idea . . so long as he gets to make the acceptance speeches for everyone. Make it three hours of Morgan speaking to us . . that would work.

      Thanks Jaded!

  5. As I mentioned to Christy, this was my IDGAF year for movies (and most stuff, actually). I saw maybe three movies all year and they were art house British movies. I mostly threw out wild guesses on the ballot. Except for Leo. That was a given. And I REALLY hoped Mark Rylance would win so I voted for him for the hell of it.

    After Christy’s Oscar post, I’m obsessed with the idea of Rebel Wilson hosting the Oscars.

    Best thing about this year’s Oscar show: Chris Rock selling his daughters’ Girl Scout cookies. When I was a kid that was my dream — that someone would sell those things for me because I friggin’ hated doing it.

    Way to go Nancy! And Cayman!

    • Rylance was a great pick Mary. Apparently he picked up a few awards–including a BAFTA, speaking of Rebel–before the Oscars.

      I didn’t think they would give it to Stallone, given all the uproar re: lack of diversity. Too many people shied away from Sly. I voted Ruffalo, but Rylance’s speech was so refreshing. I’m happy for him.

    • I saw Revenant and Hateful Eight. Thought the Revenant was amazing, Hateful Eight . . not so much. I’m a huge Tarantino fan, but it just didn’t do it for me.

      I wanted Sly, admittedly for nostalgic reasons. His part wasn’t on par with the other guys, I just love how he revitalized the franchise with Creed. His acting? It’s Stallone being Stallone. It’s like George Clooney. I love the Oceans movies, but Clooney wasn’t acting! He was just being Clooney.

      Nice call on Rylance.

      I STILL need to order some girl scout cookies, lol.

    • You made me blush. You have an uncanny way of doing that, and I gotta admit . . best ego booster blogger I could ask for. I hope retirement is treating you well. Seems so from your blog, I’m glad for that. Thank you Ms Petal.

  6. OMG…this was awesome! I loved the posts AND the comments. I’m so sorry to be late to the partay – I didn’t have a thing to wear and I’ve been eating pie. No wonder I couldn’t fit into my f**$ing Louis Gabana red dress with the matching Manola (Manolo?) Choo shoes.
    Yours and Christy’s posts were more entertaining than the actual event, and I’m most glad nobody stole your joke.
    If I sound brain dead, it’s because I am. Been a week, my friend. xo

    • They wore Manolo choos in Scarface. Lemme tell jou somesing mang! They had pizazz! And . . like Tony always said. “First jou get de money, then jou get de powah. Then jou get de choos”. Okay, maybe that’s not Tony word for word . . artistic license.
      About the joke . . . I know RIGHT? I seriously sent that joke to you (It’s okay now, when I wrote it I thought it was better) because I thought someone would use it and I would have to call on you two to CYA from being accused of being a blogger copy cat person. Fucking blogger copy cat persons! They ruin it for everybody!

      Chill tonight. Seriously. Imma let you know I will be posting a Lovely Fire entry this evening, but if you gots to chill, I want you chilling. The post isn’t going anywhere. It’ll be there tomorrow. And every day from there, actually. Until the actual zombie apocalypse happens. After which our Lovely blog will be discovered in about two hundred years and will become a college course. Fo. Sho.

      • Did you post last night?!?!?! I hit a very weird wall yesterday afternoon and spent the rest of the day floating in la-la-land. Did I chill? I don’t even remember. My husband and son must think they are living with an actual zombie. I’m traveling today, but I’ll hop over and see what next brilliant piece of literature you have created over at Lovely. I can’t wait!
        In fact, I’ll e-mail you and see what happens next. I’m off to find some choos!

        • I forget when i posted this. I think it was Monday evening. Yes, the day after I believe.

          And you better watch it, walking around in la la land is one of the first signs that you have been infected with the contagion. Of course, it’s also a sign that you have been working your ass off and simply need some time to decompress. That’s the sticky part of the label when it comes to a zombie apocalypse . . we would never see it coming!

          Thanks for the text regarding arroz con leche. Mi abuelita also used to boil a can of condensed milk until it caramelized and we would eat it right out of the can. Spoonfuls at a time until we went into diabetic comas. She wasn’t much of a cook beyond that, but bless her heart, she really tried. She was divorced from my grandfather and she would compete with him in these culinary wars that were entirely one sided because my grandfather was a master chef. Man never took a culinary course or opened a recipe book in his life, but he could cook up a Cuban meal for a dozen peeps in a tiny, cramped kitchen and it was as good as any restaurant I’ve ever been to. He wasn’t a chef but he most certainly could have been. So mi abuelita would invite me over after these amazing dinners at abuelo’s house, and she would try her hand. I always told her I preferred her dinners. It was a little white lie. And besides, she always had her famous arroz con leche and that dulce de leche to look forward to.

          • Oh, this story makes me so happy! I love your real-life version as well as what you cooked up down the street at Jimmy’s neighbors. Food speaks a language all its own. It’s my love language, the way I decompress, heal, and share. Keep thinking I’m going to write about it some day. I know it’s why I was so drawn to your story.
            I had NO condensed milk in the house last night, so I had to improvise in order to get it thick enough. Abuelita is such a beautiful word…thank you for making me smile this morning.

  7. Well I know a lot of people were hating on the Oscars this year but I really enjoyed them … Chris Rock and Louis CK were on point. Rebel Wilson would have been a good addition, did you see her intro at The Brit Awards ha! Louis CK had me rolling … Honda Civic. And I was rooting for Ruffalo or Stallone but maybe next time. But I did love the fact that Alejandro, a Latino with a great acceptance speech, won for the second time in a row. The night topper was Leo, I was so rooting for him, he was great in The Aviator and The Departed but lost those years and he gave a great speech. Save Earth people…save Earth

    • I dug them too. And Chris Rock…you can’t go wrong with that dude as host. It was perfect timing too, as I noted. Louis CK is absolutely hilarious, not to mention a razor sharp observer.

      A big Leo fan huh? I have to say, he was probably the ONLY Oscar lock,

      Save earth. Unless Trump wins. In which case . . .

  8. Enough of the white people dominate shit! I’m sick of it (and yes I live in the South)…I guess everybody would have been hunky dory if Will had been nominated…but maybe..just MAYBE..there wasn’t any black actors that scored the points. Boo fuuckin’ Hoo.

    BTW: I think the whites should start whining about whites not being represented enough in Basketball, Football, and that Rap music crap!

    • Dammit K, tell us how you REALLY feel!

      I don’t know about Will Smith, but I would have been hunky dory if Halle Berry would have dominated the Oscars. Okay, who am I kidding . . . I just wanted to put Halle Berry and dominate in the same sentence.

      You just gave me a great idea, though. I’m going to start up a pro basketball league for middle aged white dudes. It’s going to be uber difficult to sell this to any of the major networks, I realize that. So, I’m plenty fine with the games being aired on QVC. And you’re wrong about rap music. We gots Eminem! And Kanye!

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