I sure as hell hope so, because pissing off white people has become my new favorite hobby- replacing my poisonous scorpion collection (I donated them to Starbucks) and Pig Latin word puzzles.
I’m not gonna pile on by scrounging for a cheap laugh, but . . if you insist, here’s one. Watching the Oscars is sort of like showing up at the DMV in Scandinavia; a sea of white people sitting around for hours, waiting for their number to be called and secretly hating the people who get chosen instead of them.
Chris Rock as Oscar host makes sense any year, but this one just happened to be timed perfectly. His best line came when he observed that he wouldn’t even have been present if Oscar hosts were nominated. His forgettable came with all those Kevin Hart references. He did a solid job of lampooning the monochromatic assemblage without getting all preachy on us. I’m not going to recite the list of deserving nominees that went missing last night since Christy did a spot on job of that in her Oscars post.
Before I get down with my take on last night’s winners, here’s one of my Oscarvations. Yes, I combined Oscar with observation. Because I feel the GOP ain’t doing enough to fuck up the English language as it is.
Cayman’s Oscarvation #1:
The Red Carpet is more useless than Marie Osmond’s lingerie drawer. Prance, preen, pose and repeat . . a thousand times over. Every now and then, a celebrity is asked an innocuous question, which is answered in equal parts buttercream logic and dry vermouth belches. Por ejemplo.
“Jennifer, you look amazing! What are you hoping for tonight?”
That’s not a question, that’s a verbal blowjob. Let Cayman have a turn at it, and this is how I would roll.
“Jennifer, you are looking so creamy that Neil Patrick Harris got wood. But ‘fess up girlfriend, you hate ALL these bitches, don’t you?”
It would be the only question I asked. Otherwise known as, worth it.
I’ve taken seven award winners to pick on. Why seven? Because it’s a favorite number of mine. Because it was a great flick. Because Mickey Mantle transformed it. But mostly because there are way too many fucking awards given out. It’s like Ryan Reynold’s endless abs . . . enough already!
Best Supporting Actress:
Alicia Vikander is from Sweden, and she won for her portrayal of a wife whose husband is preparing to undergo a sex change operation in a movie-The Danish Girl– with an all white (or close enough) cast. That’s called staying on script, right?
The bear made an appearance last night! Understandably, he wasn’t seated anywhere near Leo. That bear spoke for all of us when it was ripping Leo to shreds. But I guess you have to be a polar bear to get any buzz . . and for that you can blame Al Gore. In other news . . . Leo scored an Oscar, and he used the moment to thank his parents and . . of course, climate change. I keep having this recurring nightmare that he runs for President in 2020, so I’m thinking a zombie apocalypse would come in handy in a couple years.
Cayman’s Oscarvation #2:
You can only be a seat filler at the Oscars if you have a family member who works for the Academy or you slept with Jared Leto. That cancels me out, seeing as how I don’t have a relative who works for the Academy and Jared ain’t returning my calls.
Best Supporting Actor:
For anyone who thinks Sylvester Stallone was a silly choice for best supporting actor, I ask you to check out the current Presidential favorite and get back to me on the idea of silly. So he lost to a dude named Mark Rylance and all I gotta say is Fuck Whitey!
Cayman’s Oscarvation #3:
Question: What do the Oscars and the NBA have in common?
Answer: Nothing, you racist bastard!
Is there a whiter name than Brie Larson? So I went to the Black Person Name Generator (Yes, it’s a thing) and I gave her little white ass a new name to go along with her Oscar. Congratulations Jafreese!
Cayman’s Oscarvation #4
Donald Trump doesn’t need to build a wall to keep people out. He just needs to consult the Academy.
A white dude . . . phew! (Well, not exactly… but white enough.)
Cayman’s Oscarvation #5
Louis CK killed it.
Best Animated Film:
I think we ALL chose Inside Out. Yanno, it’s really kinda cool when everyone agrees. It sorta makes me feel like . . zzzzzzzzz. Huh? What? I nodded off there . . . what was I saying? (Hey, the actors in Inside Out weren’t all white . . it’s called progress.)
Cayman’s Oscarvation Bonus:
When Joe Biden walked onto the stage, I thought Donald Trump’s rebels had stormed the White House in a coup and the Vice President was searching for safe haven. Instead, he was there as an advocate for victims of sexual assault. Lady Gaga followed Biden’s heartfelt message with a spine tingling rendition of the Oscar nominated song, Till It Happens To You. And really, they could have closed the show right there and nobody would have complained. Except for Leo, but he doesn’t count.
Best “Pick the Oscars With Us” Guesser:
Nancytex, who somehow got a whopping 19 out of 24 categories correct in our “Pick the Winners” Oscar Event. The next closest came in at 13. Nancy is either: really smart, really lucky, really sleeping with someone at Pricewaterhousecoopers, or all of the above. She missed “Best Picture” but I don’t think she’s too upset about that, since she picked The Revenant even though she commented, “It pains me to no end that The Revenant, and Leo, will both win. Ugh.” Christy will recap the data later this week for the two or three of you who geek out over that stuff.
Welp, that’s a wrap for another year. I would like to thank God. White people never thank God, unless they’re running for political office. I also want to thank Christy for her deliciously snarky Oscar post last week. In the words of Mia Wallace, she was disco. And I would be remiss if I didn’t thank Spike Lee for following through on his vow not to show up. It was a strong statement by a legendary director . . and umm, has he ever actually attended the Oscars? I don’t know . . that he’s ever shown up. But still, strong statement bro . . fight the power!
Hey man, it’s never too soon.