Game of Thrones Season 6 Recap

(If you need a Spoiler Alert after reading the title of this post, then by all means, read on.)

Admittedly, I was late to the Game of Thrones party. Which is plenty ‘coo seeing as how it’s a platinum involvement on par with being Angelina Jolie’s second or third husband or Apple’s second or third CEO. It works just as sweetly, and the satisfaction goes longer than a leash made for interstellar dog walks.

Season 6 was a heavy (Valerian) metal rock concert we’ve gotten used to partying up with by now. It reminded us why we watch this show in the first place. Because anything can happen, and it does happen, in the most bloodily ambitious ways. It gave us everything we wanted it to give us, before giving us dollars on the dreadful penny more than that. There was all sorts of hard pipe hitting shit happening, from the get to the got. Pawns getting played, Knights getting laid, Rooks getting mated to Machiavellian plots that Shakespeare would’ve been like “Bitch! Why’dnt I think of that!”  And those Bishops and their self righteous exercises? Well, they got theirs too.

So lemme start with those Bishops, otherwise known as the Sparrows. I hope all those baths they didn’t take and sex they weren’t having was worth it. Then again, their ending was cupcake compared to what Sister Christian is going through.

As for Margaery, she was so busy playing the Sparrows that she failed to consider all that unleaded vitriol Mama Bee possessed might come back to bite her pretty little ass. Needless to say . . . huge mistake. So now she’s confetti and now Cersei is an empty nester with absolutely nothing left to lose. If that doesn’t scare you, then you’re already dead, or Larry King (Same? Meet difference).

Is it wrong to be turned on by a woman who bangs her brother, giggles like a schoolgirl when her husband dies and lets her only remaining offspring play like a retarded Eagle without so much as a “Please don’t?”. That’s a hypothetical question, mostly. Call her an evil bitch, I call her the campaign manager Hilary needs. Fight the power girlfriend!

Speaking of brotherly love, Jaime has hand (Literally). Sure, he pushed Bran out the castle window for peeping (He had a reason). And he strangled an adoring fanboy for being in the wrong shitpen at the wrong time. Again, consider the circumstances. I learned a lot about him this past season. For one thing, he’s self deprecating (a solid trait). And he knows how to tell a person to go fuck himself without saying it (a talent) as he did with Walder Frey. But my diggity for Jaime “Don’t Call Me Kingslayer” Lannister is based almost solely on the fact that he gets Brianne. In a world that thinks her a freak, he don’t. Consider his upbringing before you bring the hate. Jaime, like Cersei, was raised by a father who was about as warm and sympathetic as Marie Osmond after a piss poor pedicure. 

As for Arya Stark, I’m thankful she finally ditched The House of Black and White. Outside of a few Fight Club rumors about Arya and the Waif being one and the same, I wasn’t really all that interested in the storyline. And the way it ended? With Arya taking out Jaquen’s top (only) secret agent and all he can offer is a smirk? Obviously, I’m not refined enough to appreciate the nuance. On a positive note, Arya saved face (pun intended) by honing her murderous skill set and adding a huge check to her Kill List in the form of Walder Frey. And not for nothing but his Sonny Pie last meal still beats the hell out of anything on the Denny’s menu.

Quick Thought on Kevin Durant to the Warriors

I’ll post more on this shortly, but the haters of this move make me laugh. They refer to an arcane KD tweet from six years ago as their smoking gun as if it were included in the Bill of Rights. They argue that the old timers stayed with one team forever. Which is interesting, seeing as how two of the all time greatest centers ever- Wilt and Kareem- didn’t. They forget how Magic forced his head coach out after WINNING a title, with the threat it was the coach or him. And they forget how MJ was rewarded for his six titles in Chicago- by being shown the door. See, while I wish Durant had stayed in OKC (or moved to Miami), I recognize his right to choose his workplace. I don’t have to be a Warriors fan to wish him the best, to hope he wins a title by the Bay. I just have to be real about the whole thing, unlike the haters.

Older sister Sansa may not be a cold blooded assassin like Arya, but she’s learning how to weaponize her feminine wiles. From the moment Papa Stark lost his head in a power play, life has been handing the girl one poisonous lemon after another. The last straw was Ramsay Bolton, and so it was most proper that she got to let the dogs out on him. That wisp of a smile on her face as Ramsay became dog chow was priceless, and a long ass time in the making.

Turns out, Ramsay was a little pussy with no game when it came to picking on someone his own size as Jon Snow’s beat down on him proved. So now Evil Rob Thomas sleeps with the fishes in the lake of fire and I have to find someone to hate on in Season 7.

Littlefinger!

What’s to love about a weasel with a Hitler mustache who’s never met a back he wouldn’t stab, who has an American Beauty-like obsession with Sansa, who pushes his wife through the Moon Door knowing full well George Clooney wasn’t there to catch her . . . and did I mention the Hitler mustache? Unlike Varys- who has a perverse likeability about him- there’s nothing to like about Petyr, unless you want to get slathered in oil. When he’s the cavalry, bad shit is on the horizon.

So’s the Hound, he’s on the horizon too. The big lug got a reprieve, and for about five minutes it looked like he was going to waste his fighting skills on pacifism. Luckily, the villagers he was shacking up with were hanged by the Brotherhood, and this done pissed Hound off something awful and restored his bloodlust for life. Unluckily for us, Brother Ray- played by the inimitable Ian McShane- is gone much too soon. These are the savagely unforgiving tradeoffs that make Thrones one of the best shows on TV.

Meanwhile, Ellaria and the Snakes (sounds like a cover band) are busy making moves after dispensing of Doran. Girl’s out for revenge on the Lannisters after her man’s head was popped like a zit by the Mountain, but hey girlfriend, your man should have closed the deal! It was his own damn fault. She wants to take on Cersei? Okay, good luck with that . . .

And not for nothing, but Sam and Gilly would make a great sitcom. All kidding aside though, I’ve come to understand that his books are gonna prove to be a solid investment in time for his brother from another mother, Jon Snow, going forward.

And not for another nothing, but Bran’s eyes are what happens when you marry Nostradamus to Bette Davis. He possesses more power than all the Kings and Queens in all the lands, and to think, if not for a little push from Jaime. What? Too soon? Too late? Both? And not for a final nothing but rumor has it Charlie Sheen auditioned for the role of Hodor, but he couldn’t memorize his lines.

Jon Snow has had one hell of a season for a dead guy, hasn’t he? When we left him in Season 5, he had been sliced into the meat locker of eternity. But thanks to Melisandre (Spoiler Alert: She’s a contestant in my upcoming Vera Invitational Game of Thrones Edition), Jon is back and badder than ever. He got his homies and the wildlings to co-exist (albeit, tenuously), he convinced some of the other houses that these white walkers play for reals, he took back Winterfell, kicked Ramsay’s ass and let Sansa finish him. He also cut bait with Melisandre. This was a mistake, seeing as how she brought him back from the dead. Listen, I get that she did some crazy shit in her Lord of the Light tour, and I get that Jon didn’t want to be brought back from the dead. But holmes, seriously . . . in an age with so few good men, and where the average life expectancy for a ruler is twenty four minutes? Keep the bitch handy is all I’m saying.

Which leaves us with the gang at Mereen, because I’m saving my favorite for last. I LOVE the alliance forged between Tyrion and Daenerys, two of my favorite characters, like . . ever. Any woman who can give birth to dragons, walk out of a raging fire (twice!) unscathed and look like that? I’m voting her in as President of the World. Tyrion is a solid wartime consigliere who is the King of one liners, which counts for every bit as much in my book. He knows the landscape, the obstacles and most of all, he knows his sister better than anyone. Daenerys could teach that Trump guy a thing or two about negotiational skills. My personal favorite was her face to face with Yara Greyjoy. The Dragon Mother was firm when the Ironborn Queen was busy riding those eyes all up in her business, and they were able to forge the sexiest alliance since Ellen and Portia said “Let’s Do This!”.

What’s next for the Kings and Queens, the deal makers and deal breakers, the wicked and the good? Who knows? Game of Thrones is gonna keep playing hard to get with its plot twists. It will ravage our psyches, lay waste to our happy ending scenarios and it will be merciless in the doing.

Yes? Meet please.

 

 

 

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34 thoughts on “Game of Thrones Season 6 Recap

  1. Oh my god baby this was awesome. I am still laughing out loud over the Charlie Sheen bit, and the tongue in cheek jab at Jamie and his hand. Great point about Bran owing it all to Jamie. And yes! Melisandre did save Jon…you’d think he’d be a bit more grateful for that. As much as I think Danos (?) is cool, why did it take him that long to call out Melisandre? Like if he loved that little girl sooooo much, you’d think he would’ve known and said something or gone postal way sooner. And that smile Sansa gave while the dogs were chowing down…priceless. Hall and Oates should change their song to Sansa Smile. I loved her character arc through the series. She has grown more than any other character in the entire ensemble. That scene in the forest after she and Theon escape and Brienne saves her and pledges her life to her…omg I was in tears. You could say something about character redemption and how we see the character through our own eyes and experiences…..oh wait, you did, offline. 🙂 Cersei….oh Cersei…..I love her. I think you’ll soon have a Mad Queen on your hands. They were practically hitting us on the face with the whole comparison to her and the Mad King. She has nothing left to lose, except her power and her life. And with the undead Mountain behind her, I don’t think she’ll give those up too easily. After she did her walk of atonement, and the Mountain picked her up and the dark magic Maester said, “He’ll help you find every person that ever wronged you,” I think I cheered at the tv. Not that I’m vengeful or anything. But I do like that saying, “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” Kinda like Karma Pie. With a crunchy fingernail topping.

    There was so much that went down in Season 6. Actually in like the last half of 6, because the season got off to a very very very very slow start. You nailed it though! Don’t hate too much on Littlefinger. I do think his Lolita-fixation with Sansa is mostly pure of heart. In his mind, he really did love her mother. I would say he’s good intentioned with her, but you know, that whole thing with turning her over to Ramsay…not cool. But now she has power over him (Littlefinger), in that he will always owe her. And there’s not much can stop a man in love with a budding Queen who is in need of his guidance and counsel.

    Speaking of budding Queens? Dani and Yara? Love that duo. I wonder if Dani will let Yara ride her dragon?

    Sorry babe, couldn’t resist that one.

    Hey how many direwolves are left? We started with four, right? No, wait, six. I think there’s three left? Jon’s, Bran’s (?), and Arya’s is still out there in the woods. And Hodor…does he come back? And Bronn…does he end up with the kitten-sandsnake?

    So yeah, obviously, I liked the post. Something about GoT pushes my buttons…. 🙂

  2. Not sure on the direwolves, but I loves them. I want a direwolf . . and all the money I’ll save on leashes! Not to mention pain in the ass neighbors. A Hodor comeback? Shut the front door! No wait! Hold the front door! Hold the door! Hold the door!

    If I took one of the Thrones writers hostage, this would be my only demand . . . .

    “I want an entire episode with Dani and Yara, negotiating. Horizontally. One solid hour, uncensored, and don’t be trying any funny business, like clothing.”

    Slow start indeed, but when Thrones has a slow episode, alls I can think is “Holy Vesuvius, wait till next week!” It’s the anticipation that you know will be sated, more often sooner than later. As for Littlefinger matching Sansa with Bolton, that’s a pretty big matzoh ball to forgive. I just can’t do it, as much as I dig Aidan Gillen . . I kinda want him dead. Grotesquely so.

    And yes, yes, yes, yes! The shit is gonna get REAL now that Cersei has taken the throne. Nobody is safe, not even Jaime- and especially not Jaime if she senses him deviating from the scorched earth doctrine she’s gonna be putting down. She has the Michael Corleone look going, where all her enemies- friend and foe, stranger and blood alike- must be vanquished. Perhaps she will succumb to blind rage, but I don’t think so. She’s too smart for that. And unlike Michael Corleone, she has Luca Brazi at her side. Dayum.

    Many thanks, my Queen. 🙂

    • Hold the door.

      Omg you are priceless.

      Hodor is a sentimental favorite. I’m holding out hope that he somehow comes back. Maybe Bran can create another time warp wormhole existential time crisis thingie again. Or maybe Melisandre will travel north since Jon kicked her out of bed.

      Every Queen needs a Luca Brasi Enforcer by her side. Preferably one with a baseball bat and a cigar.

      Sent from my iPhone

      >

        • Geez don’t get me started on Manziel. Maybe he’ll get stuck in a wormhole somewhere somehow…..
          LOL, yes that describes our thirties pretty good, doesn’t it? 🙂

  3. What up Cayman!! Glad to see you here. Actually glad I caught you. I saw your post and had to stop by and hang out. But sadly I couldn’t read all the laughs because I haven’t caught up with the bloodbath this season. Don’t know if that’s ever happened before … you know when someone hasn’t read your post but still leaves a comment. I don’t know what that is, I don’t know if it should be allowed, but I’m on it. I’m the one. I still had to stop by and say what’s up and hope that your summer adventures are rocking 4th of July style. When I’m caught up I have to return … until next time buddy. Buen Camino.

    • It’s all good, Cali.

      I’m a little jealous of you, seeing as how you still have unseen Thrones episodes to be had. I was really amped by the end of season 6, but man, the hangover is unkind. Now it’s hurry up and wait time until next year! Yikes!

      On a different note, I left a Kevin Durant thought right in the middle of this post that you probably didn’t see since you had to shield your eyes. It’s my thoughts on his move to the West Coast and how I feel about the haters. Not a Warriors fan, but I am a huge ball fan and I love these moves because I think they generate a lot of excitement for the league. Your Lakers are a couple years away but I love Walton as the new HC. Tons of enthusiasm, smarts and big game experience. I think he’ll be just what their young roster needs.

      See? I turned my reply to your Thrones comment into an NBA reply, so we’re even!

      Great seeing you hermana, be cool.

      • Ha! You did! It’s because you’re creative and smart. That’s how you roll. You’d be awesome at Improv I bet. Just got all kinds of awesome lying in wait … like Batman I guess. But your right I missed the Kevin Durant breakdown. But you’re right it sure stirs up conversation of what to expect. NBA season is gonna look crazy on the West Coast so we’ll see what happens … the Rams are coming to town so that will probably overshadow the Lakers during their rebuilding sessions. 🙂 Buen Camino buddy!

        • I forgot about the Rams coming home party. Yes, that is certain to overshadow the Lakers. And then the Kings will take the headlines, so I guess this Lakers season will mostly fly under the radar. Which is probably a good thing.

  4. great re-cap Mr Thorn.

    I think this is the first season that I have not felt all “godDAMN it, I have to wait for another season. I’m just that satisfied with all that went down and I will sit and abide until I find out what is next.
    Agree all the points, maybe see some a little differently but apples and oranges…it was all juicy like that!

    Fun read, even that whole section in the middle when you swerved off into some foreign language and i took a small nap :-0

    • Mished,

      Thrones is like a Thanksgiving feast of the senses. At the end of the day, you find yourself slumped on the couch with a cheshire cat grin wrapping around your face. Full and happy and okay with a break in the action.

      As for that whole section in the middle. It’s okay to nap through that, the Philadelphia 76ers do it every season.

      To Thrones Forevah!

      • For the record, let it be known that I am not happy nor okay with a break in the action. I’ll get there but for now I’m still sobbing miserably into my pillow for want of Dani and Asha (Yara) and Jon Snow. But I’ll be okay the week of August 20. … When college football comes back. (Aug 7 for nfl hall of fame game!)

        This was the first GoT season I didn’t know what to expect. I read all the books, but this season overtook the books.

        I’m jealous of you in that now you have the books to read. 🙂 I may (re)read them along with you. ❤️

        Sent from my iPhone

        >

    • Apples and oranges and juicy sweetness, oh my. You know I couldn’t pass that up, Mish! ❤️

      Sent from my iPhone

      >

  5. Dear Cayman,
    What an awesome season and fantastic recap. I am SO glad our mad scientist lured you into watching the series. Doesn’t it give you an appreciation for the writing and creativity and seamless integration of so many characters and plot lines? Augh. To have that genius.

    So many reasons why this was my favorite season. Episode 9 was epic – I still need to watch that again.

    The women are coming into their own, aren’t they? Sansa rocks – I always had hope for her. The dogs couldn’t have devoured a more deserving asshole, and her smile at the end was priceless. Littlefinger is the bad boy you love to hate. I wonder…do you think we’ll see more layers to him?

    And, I sensed that Christy picked this up, too….that scene between Dany and Yara was HOT!
    (Actually, I couldn’t stop looking at Yara’s butt…is that weird?)

    Call me out on this, but I have mercy and empathy for Theon. In addition to the torture and mutilation delivered by Ramsey, I can see that he tortures himself everyday. I know he made some poor choices, and did terrible things…but, he needs to forgive himself.

    I have loved the growth of Jaime and I adore Brienne. It’ll be interesting to see what happens there.

    There’s so much more, but you covered it in your brilliant writing.

    And, ooo! A GOT Vera edition? Please Please tell me that you’ll be collaborating with Christy.

    • It’s my favorite series, by a ton. And the best part is that when the series ends? I will go back and watch it all over again. There isn’t a single TV show- drama- that I can say that about. But with this show, there is just so much to take in.

      It was long past time that Sansa caught some breaks. The girl had been on an awful losing streak. It was sweet revenge, to watch her smile as she walked away while Ramsay screamed in agony. Perfect way to kill him off. As for Littlefinger, I’m guessing there’s a good chance we see another side of him unless they decide to kill him off. Thrones IS merciless.

      I was checking out Yara’s ass too! Hey, the camera was focused right on it, what was I supposed to do?

      At this point in time, I cannot say a bad word about Theon. When they snipped off his manhood, it became really difficult to hate him any longer. He has endured a hell on earth, so much so that I forget how awful he was in the beginning.

      Hmm, Christy lending her mad science to a Vera post? What’s not to love?!

      Peace mama

      • My mad science? Um…include them ALL baby! Every one in GoT is hot in their own ways. Don’t forget the kitten snake. Or Cersei. Hey you should include that picture of Cersei I sent you way back when you were hating on her and I implored you to withhold judgment for just a little bit…. 🙂 I probably have it somewhere. Not that I look at it or anything. Much. Every day. Fuck okay fine it’s my screensaver.

        Sent from my iPhone

        >

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