(If you need a Spoiler Alert after reading the title of this post, then by all means, read on.)
Admittedly, I was late to the Game of Thrones party. Which is plenty ‘coo seeing as how it’s a platinum involvement on par with being Angelina Jolie’s second or third husband or Apple’s second or third CEO. It works just as sweetly, and the satisfaction goes longer than a leash made for interstellar dog walks.
Season 6 was a heavy (Valerian) metal rock concert we’ve gotten used to partying up with by now. It reminded us why we watch this show in the first place. Because anything can happen, and it does happen, in the most bloodily ambitious ways. It gave us everything we wanted it to give us, before giving us dollars on the dreadful penny more than that. There was all sorts of hard pipe hitting shit happening, from the get to the got. Pawns getting played, Knights getting laid, Rooks getting mated to Machiavellian plots that Shakespeare would’ve been like “Bitch! Why’dnt I think of that!” And those Bishops and their self righteous exercises? Well, they got theirs too.
So lemme start with those Bishops, otherwise known as the Sparrows. I hope all those baths they didn’t take and sex they weren’t having was worth it. Then again, their ending was cupcake compared to what Sister Christian is going through.
As for Margaery, she was so busy playing the Sparrows that she failed to consider all that unleaded vitriol Mama Bee possessed might come back to bite her pretty little ass. Needless to say . . . huge mistake. So now she’s confetti and now Cersei is an empty nester with absolutely nothing left to lose. If that doesn’t scare you, then you’re already dead, or Larry King (Same? Meet difference).
Is it wrong to be turned on by a woman who bangs her brother, giggles like a schoolgirl when her husband dies and lets her only remaining offspring play like a retarded Eagle without so much as a “Please don’t?”. That’s a hypothetical question, mostly. Call her an evil bitch, I call her the campaign manager Hilary needs. Fight the power girlfriend!
Speaking of brotherly love, Jaime has hand (Literally). Sure, he pushed Bran out the castle window for peeping (He had a reason). And he strangled an adoring fanboy for being in the wrong shitpen at the wrong time. Again, consider the circumstances. I learned a lot about him this past season. For one thing, he’s self deprecating (a solid trait). And he knows how to tell a person to go fuck himself without saying it (a talent) as he did with Walder Frey. But my diggity for Jaime “Don’t Call Me Kingslayer” Lannister is based almost solely on the fact that he gets Brianne. In a world that thinks her a freak, he don’t. Consider his upbringing before you bring the hate. Jaime, like Cersei, was raised by a father who was about as warm and sympathetic as Marie Osmond after a piss poor pedicure.
As for Arya Stark, I’m thankful she finally ditched The House of Black and White. Outside of a few Fight Club rumors about Arya and the Waif being one and the same, I wasn’t really all that interested in the storyline. And the way it ended? With Arya taking out Jaquen’s top (only) secret agent and all he can offer is a smirk? Obviously, I’m not refined enough to appreciate the nuance. On a positive note, Arya saved face (pun intended) by honing her murderous skill set and adding a huge check to her Kill List in the form of Walder Frey. And not for nothing but his Sonny Pie last meal still beats the hell out of anything on the Denny’s menu.
Quick Thought on Kevin Durant to the Warriors
I’ll post more on this shortly, but the haters of this move make me laugh. They refer to an arcane KD tweet from six years ago as their smoking gun as if it were included in the Bill of Rights. They argue that the old timers stayed with one team forever. Which is interesting, seeing as how two of the all time greatest centers ever- Wilt and Kareem- didn’t. They forget how Magic forced his head coach out after WINNING a title, with the threat it was the coach or him. And they forget how MJ was rewarded for his six titles in Chicago- by being shown the door. See, while I wish Durant had stayed in OKC (or moved to Miami), I recognize his right to choose his workplace. I don’t have to be a Warriors fan to wish him the best, to hope he wins a title by the Bay. I just have to be real about the whole thing, unlike the haters.
Older sister Sansa may not be a cold blooded assassin like Arya, but she’s learning how to weaponize her feminine wiles. From the moment Papa Stark lost his head in a power play, life has been handing the girl one poisonous lemon after another. The last straw was Ramsay Bolton, and so it was most proper that she got to let the dogs out on him. That wisp of a smile on her face as Ramsay became dog chow was priceless, and a long ass time in the making.
Turns out, Ramsay was a little pussy with no game when it came to picking on someone his own size as Jon Snow’s beat down on him proved. So now Evil Rob Thomas sleeps with the fishes in the lake of fire and I have to find someone to hate on in Season 7.
What’s to love about a weasel with a Hitler mustache who’s never met a back he wouldn’t stab, who has an American Beauty-like obsession with Sansa, who pushes his wife through the Moon Door knowing full well George Clooney wasn’t there to catch her . . . and did I mention the Hitler mustache? Unlike Varys- who has a perverse likeability about him- there’s nothing to like about Petyr, unless you want to get slathered in oil. When he’s the cavalry, bad shit is on the horizon.
So’s the Hound, he’s on the horizon too. The big lug got a reprieve, and for about five minutes it looked like he was going to waste his fighting skills on pacifism. Luckily, the villagers he was shacking up with were hanged by the Brotherhood, and this done pissed Hound off something awful and restored his bloodlust for life. Unluckily for us, Brother Ray- played by the inimitable Ian McShane- is gone much too soon. These are the savagely unforgiving tradeoffs that make Thrones one of the best shows on TV.
Meanwhile, Ellaria and the Snakes (sounds like a cover band) are busy making moves after dispensing of Doran. Girl’s out for revenge on the Lannisters after her man’s head was popped like a zit by the Mountain, but hey girlfriend, your man should have closed the deal! It was his own damn fault. She wants to take on Cersei? Okay, good luck with that . . .
And not for nothing, but Sam and Gilly would make a great sitcom. All kidding aside though, I’ve come to understand that his books are gonna prove to be a solid investment in time for his brother from another mother, Jon Snow, going forward.
And not for another nothing, but Bran’s eyes are what happens when you marry Nostradamus to Bette Davis. He possesses more power than all the Kings and Queens in all the lands, and to think, if not for a little push from Jaime. What? Too soon? Too late? Both? And not for a final nothing but rumor has it Charlie Sheen auditioned for the role of Hodor, but he couldn’t memorize his lines.
Jon Snow has had one hell of a season for a dead guy, hasn’t he? When we left him in Season 5, he had been sliced into the meat locker of eternity. But thanks to Melisandre (Spoiler Alert: She’s a contestant in my upcoming Vera Invitational Game of Thrones Edition), Jon is back and badder than ever. He got his homies and the wildlings to co-exist (albeit, tenuously), he convinced some of the other houses that these white walkers play for reals, he took back Winterfell, kicked Ramsay’s ass and let Sansa finish him. He also cut bait with Melisandre. This was a mistake, seeing as how she brought him back from the dead. Listen, I get that she did some crazy shit in her Lord of the Light tour, and I get that Jon didn’t want to be brought back from the dead. But holmes, seriously . . . in an age with so few good men, and where the average life expectancy for a ruler is twenty four minutes? Keep the bitch handy is all I’m saying.
Which leaves us with the gang at Mereen, because I’m saving my favorite for last. I LOVE the alliance forged between Tyrion and Daenerys, two of my favorite characters, like . . ever. Any woman who can give birth to dragons, walk out of a raging fire (twice!) unscathed and look like that? I’m voting her in as President of the World. Tyrion is a solid wartime consigliere who is the King of one liners, which counts for every bit as much in my book. He knows the landscape, the obstacles and most of all, he knows his sister better than anyone. Daenerys could teach that Trump guy a thing or two about negotiational skills. My personal favorite was her face to face with Yara Greyjoy. The Dragon Mother was firm when the Ironborn Queen was busy riding those eyes all up in her business, and they were able to forge the sexiest alliance since Ellen and Portia said “Let’s Do This!”.
What’s next for the Kings and Queens, the deal makers and deal breakers, the wicked and the good? Who knows? Game of Thrones is gonna keep playing hard to get with its plot twists. It will ravage our psyches, lay waste to our happy ending scenarios and it will be merciless in the doing.
Yes? Meet please.