The world of politics has generated more fairy tales than Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm.
Take this Trump Wall © for example. It ain’t happening. Not even if you fronted Mexico ten billion dollars, not even then. So why does Mister Golden Hair keep beating on these dead drums? Because it’s his one trick, and he’s going to schlep it into history’s footnotes, that’s why.
If Trump was really, truly serious about creating an impediment for unwanted tourists, he wouldn’t be talking up a wall. He would be telling us why a moat is the best idea.
A moat makes TOO much sense, which is why it’ll never happen. It figures that Trump would want to build up, seeing as how he never attached his name to a skyscraper that didn’t run over budget. But if he really wanted to stem the tide of illegal immigration in this country, he’d be shoveling dirt rather than yanno, what he’s shoveling. Generally speaking, digging is less expensive than building up- unless you live in Massachusetts.
As Americans, digging is second nature. We dig in to smorgasboards, we dig our music, we dig challenges and oftentimes we dig our own graves- metaphorically speaking. You dig? Of course you do, you’re an American!
We could build a moat that would leave the peeps in the Seven Kingdoms breathless with envy. Let’s say a quarter mile wide and deeper than Johnny Depp’s thoughts on matrimony. And then we could fill it with water, and crocodiles. This makes sense from a security standpoint AND it also serves an ecological purpose in that it will help to repopulate an endangered species. Hey PETA! . . . You’re welcome.
A wall is going to cost Mexico (sic) tens of billions of dollars, and that’s before the first brick is laid. And really, there’s a better chance Tim Tebow gets laid in the next year than the first brick of this wall. And if the wall does start happening sooner rather than later, it means Trump won the general election. Hardly a sure thing, considering he’s behind in fifty seven states. And we only have fifty.
Okay, so he’s actually doing better than any of us thought. Like Jason Vorhees and Michael Myers and Marie Osmond, he just won’t die. So . . . say Trump does win, what then? Even his followers are well aware this wall talk is shakier than a Stevie Wonder self portrait. Many of his followers get the joke. More specifically, the ones who don’t find Larry the Cable Guy the least bit entertaining. Them. Those peeps fully expect Trump to trash the wall talk should he attain the Oval Office. They’re pre-conditioned for disappointment, which is why they’re behind Trump. Really, the only people- outside of the Larry the Cable Guy demographic- who are looking forward to a wall along the Southern border are graffiti artists and reality show producers.
Hilary has never been a closer. She snatched defeat from the jaws of victory in 2008 and she allowed Bernie Sanders to become more popular than Harley Quinn on a party bus. There’s still time for her to awaken her inner Sun Tzu, but to quote one of my favorite Yogi-isms, it’s getting late early. She best get to work, or invite the possibility that her Homecoming Night morphs into a Dr. Seuss readalong, narrated by Louis C.K. Blue State, Red State, Red State . . blew!
She can lower the bar on Trump, rather than the other way around. See him a Southern Border wall and raise the idea of The Moat. And so what if it doesn’t jibe with her message of inclusivity? It’s just a political promise . . . and political promises are made to be broken. Nixon promised to end the war in Vietnam while Bush 41 insisted he wouldn’t raise taxes and Obama sold hope and change as if Christmas trees on December 24th.
They all won. Because that’s how politics works. Promise voters the world, even if you have no moolah in the old bank account. So what if those promises prove to be like glitter from a strip club and they end up following you home. Your home is the White House, and hell . . the explanations as to why those promises didn’t happen? That’s what press secretaries are for.
Imma shoot off an email to Hil.
drinkswellwithothers 
Tell Hill hi from me. I think both candidates are equally repulsive but give her my best anyway. I think the moat idea is a winner. Think of the inner tube concessions.
Repulsive? That’s a little strong, isn’t it John? It might just be spot on though…..and when tomorrow night comes around and these two go head to head. . . your words are going to be prophetic as hell. That is for sure.
Inner tube concessions . . . I like it! And how’s about Extreme Gondola Rides? And, and, and. . . . Michael Phelps can prove JUST how fast he is by traversing the dangerous waters, with a PPV special. We draw the line at Robbie Knievel jumping the canyon though. We don’t want to give the peeps on the other side any ideas. . .
Ha ha ha. You are the best, Pilgrim. BTW “repulsive” is an understatement but I can use the word that really describes them both.
The word which must NEVER be uttered, unless we wish to unleash hell? I get it John, and good thinking.
🙂
Okay first I gotta give you props for the MJ song. I’d forgotten all about that one even though I listened to him on today’s walk. My Pink Floyd choice would’ve been way too obvious.
Second…a moat. That’s genius. Like a whole Game of Thrones thing. If you get alligators, can I get dragons? (A moat could be an excellent zombie detour too. Unless zombie alligators. Then never mind. Ooh. Zombie dragons. Dear lord.)
What would probably end up happening is Trump would capitalize on the whole wall thing. Open it up to advertisers, ya know? Like all the college bowl games and new sports stadiums. “This section of the wall brought to you by Apple and the new iPhone 747. Or Brinks Home Security. I wonder if they would monitor it 24/7. Hey Jurasic World electric fences. Or we could pipe Barry Manilow music out of attached speakers, in between sponsored commercials of course. Geez Trump could actually MAKE money off of this wall.
See? If they would only call us first. But noooooooo.
You know who I’m writing in for president? Yes, you do.
Jack Bauer.
Boom.
No pun intended.
Have I told you lately how witty and funny you are? Well you are. So so so so witty and funny. 🙂 xo
Oh you precious, sexy, insanely creative minx, you.
You know what MUST happen on January 20 of 2017? The new President- Jack Bauer, of course- must commission the two of us to build a . . . wait for it. . . Wall/Moat! Half wall, half moat, all business. That way we get the advertisers throwing themselves at us- genius idea by the way- while the moat will attract adrenaline junkies and Nascar fans. Every major hotel chain is going to want to build along this stretch of Americana.
Sooooo, you and me will have serious conditions for the new President-Bauer. Such as, we want to be fronted say, 25 million dollars, cash. Spending money while we plan this Wall/Moat along the Southern Border. And let’s say we our security detail- President Bauer is going to insist on it- and make our way into Mexico. We’ll settle in to some undisclosed location- say…an island- and begin to plan our next move.
Which will be to take over Cuba. King and Queen. And ninety miles from home so you can easily travel to Bulldogs home games and I can take in a Heat game from time to time.
Boom!
Love you, Mad Science.
PS- LOVE that Michael Jackson tune. I came across it whilst listening up “Thriller”,,,,which is my official Halloween anthem.
You had me at “precious.”
Ok so it was a little before that. There may have been zombies involved. Or a particular cruel month.
But….King and Queen of Cuba, huh? You had my curiosity…but now you have my…well, you know.
Love you too, Soul Man.
PS- We would HAVE to have a Monty Python section to our wall. So “guests” could throw coconuts and make funny faces and say, NONE SHALL PASS. And if they try, we’ll break out the killer bunnies. They would run away four sure.
That cracks me up every time. “I soiled my armor I was so scared!”…..
Yes, we need killer bunnies, the more the merrier. For us. Our enemies? Not so much. This Wall/Moat is going to be a huge moneymaker, and we should shake it good. Fo. Sho.
PS- Killer Bunnies Fourever
Bingo.
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I mean BINGO!!!!
And I mean….who brings a dog into a casino? And thank GOD for that man, really. Because his timing is fucking impeccable.
If I see him again, I will certainly ask his name.
His own name, I mean, since we already know the dog’s true name.
Somewhere someone is having a good ole laugh about that one. Nice one, universe, very very very very nice. Well played.
That dog’s rightful name IS Bingo. The Universe says so!
I completely lost it at Barry Manilow!!!
Me too 🙂
I almost threw in Engelbert Humperdinck but I wasn’t sure anyone else would remember him.
(Barry was the 2nd concert I ever saw–I was like 6, my mom took me–so I have a soft spot for him.)
Moats and dragons and Jack, oh my…and that’s just the comments!!
I’ve been thinking over the last couple of weeks that I may opt not to vote. I dig democrazy, but I don’t dig my options. And yes – that spelling was on purpose. I actually misspelled it and then opted not to correct it.
I’d vote for a Christy/Cayman ticket. Beautiful words, kick-ass music, and Viggo/Vera for all. xoxox
Viggo for all?
Gurl, have you totally lost your mind? Like I would share. Pfft. As if.
Besides, I’m going to be Queen. Of Cuba. 👑
Or Westeros. 🔥🐉
(That’s supposed to be a dragon. But I can’t really see it, so if it’s a lizard just pretend.)
Alas, there ain’t a moat wide enough to keep you from this Viggo fella. It’s a good thing I’m not the possessive type, but uh, let’s not advertise this Viggo love when we’re ruling over Cuba/Westeros. The King has to keep up appearances for all those peons doing our dirty work. And oh yeah, I don’t want to let them know I’m calling them peons either. History tells me they don’t tend to dig such pet names.
Viggo? Viggo who, babe?
Shhhh don’t tell Michelle, but I’ve left Viggo in my past. He was cute, but he never wrote me a song or made me laugh. He’s way too serious. He’d probably never be caught dead meandering in a bingo hall either, much less singing in one. Oh, but I know who would.:) and there’s no moat wide enough to keep us apart.
I have a feeling this dude is a pretty mean meanderer at that. I mean, if he wrote you a song, that’s aces.
Ooooh he’s a keeper, That’s for shore. Makes me feel like a Queen. Viggo ain’t got nothin on him.
Mama,
Umm, have you copyrighted ‘Democrazy”? Cause if not, you best get to stepping on that. If Trump reads your comment, he’ll have a line of t-shirts out on QVC by Friday.
A Christy/Cayman ticket would sweep right on through to the White House. Which would be re-painted ASAP. Think psychedelic fury and welp, that’s a start on where we would be going with it. Cabinet positions are open, so just let us know what you’re feeling up to.
Thanks Mama!
A moat with water and crocodiles and dragons (oh my!) is an awesome idea! I’m confused about the move to Cuba and having a Barry Manilow concert. I won’t have to be a showgirl will i?
A showgirl! You’re a fucking genius Jennie! I mean Lola. Cuz that will be your name, of course, at our little Copacabana hotspot by the moat.
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* bows* as long as there’s no fucking kale you can call me anything you like 😙
Oh um yeah….about that fucking kale…..um…..um…..Cayman?
Hahaha😽
An ode to kale, by CK Hope:
Kale, you suck
We’d love you more if you were maybe cold cooked spinach
OR even chocolate cover crickets
So riddle me this, Lola.
Have you ever TRIED kale?
Sincerely,
Sam-I-Am
Yes I have, I had it with some cherry co-co-co-cola.
Love, La-la-la-Lola
Just stay away from this Rico guy and you’ll be fine. . .
That’s just silly, why would I go near a Rico when I have a Tony pfft.
DON’T FALL IN LOVE!
No Christy. FALL in love. Just stay away from Rico . . . that dude is bad news. He’s a living, breathing four letter word.
I guess falling in love isn’t all THAT bad.
Maybe even be good 4 u.
I kinda dig this hat.
That hat is so you.
Presto Bingooo! Birthday present mystery solved. I’ll have Barry deliver it pronto.
Listen, this Rico thinks he’s God’s gift to women. He’s gonna love your cha cha and he’s going to go crazy over your merengue…and mind you, this is a dude who’s used to getting his way. So when he calls you over to his table, just fall down and pretend you broke your ankle or something. Yell for Tony and when he rushes over, tell him you need to get to the hospital. . . . and then you guys go have a late dinner somewhere. Trust me on this.
Oh, and heads up, Rico wears a diamond.
PS- You and Tony should really think about buying the Copa once you have enough stashed away. It’s a legendary destination. You wouldn’t want some real estate investment group to buy the place and turn it into a disco. That would suck.
DUDE. I can’t even begin with this one. Watching the debate I was like what-the-what! I was just wishing the Jack Bauer of all moderators would come out … Jon Stewart. I miss him. He’d definitely know how to handle Donald and his crazy, insane outbursts he calls ideas. I take it you were definitely watching.
I watched early yesterday morning, on demand. The first half hourish? Not bad, boring actually. And then it went all lampoon. Again. What I don’t understand is why they don’t just cut off the mic after a candidate has had their allotted amount of time. I guess it goes against the election committee rules or something, but Trump being a candidate…that goes against a lot of rules too, doesn’t it?
Moderators are supposed to be like referees- if you don’t remember them, they did a great job. And really, what is the fun in that? You’re right, this campaign season demands an All Star line-up of comedians to fill in as moderators. Yanno, to keep up with all the comedy that’s happening on stage. So Stewart can go in the first round- nicely done by the way- and he can be followed by Jimmy Fallon and for the rubber match, Louis C.K.
Anyways, I watch this debate with Seinfeld’s voice running through my head . . . . “And you wanna be my President.”…..
Hope you’re well hermana. Thanks for the shout.