Yahoo! Emails! Hacked! One Billion Served!

The longer I live, the more I feel like a conspiracy theorist. I like to think I’m more of the factory model type of conspiracy theorist; no fancy options, just the stuff that works. I don’t have a psychotropic drug fueled website that espouses ridiculous theories. Like, I don’t believe Elvis killed Kennedy and as much as Dan Akroyd makes me wonder, I really don’t believe martians created Hollywood. Would I be surprised if the moon landing was faked? Eh . . . probably not. But . . . that’s more of an art house crime in that it requires creative enterprise and artful timing and I can’t imagine the government has that kind of imagination. I do believe the government is covering up the existence of life on other planets, but they’re only doing so in order to quell a global riot. Hell, people get homicidal when their Facebook goes down for an hour.  Can you imagine the implications if 7.5 billion people were told . . . there were no implications? 

Which brings me to this Yahoo! hack. The one that happened three years ago and to which email subscribers weren’t informed because the company didn’t feel it was that big a deal. That would be like me house sitting for friends and not telling them they’d been burglarized because I figured they really didn’t need any of their shit.

Okay, maybe I’m just overreacting to this latest episode. After all, it only kinda sorta impacted about a billion users. And it only involved sensitive user information, like names and phone numbers and the occasional DOB. Oh . . and encrypted passwords, and unencrypted security questions. It’s all good people. Nothing to see here.

It seems that Yahoo! is easier to breach than Jack Bauer’s old workplace. The culprits, according to law enforcement officials, are state sponsored peeps; no doubt on loan from George Orwell’s worst nightmares. And after all this time and all the misinformation and the complete lack of urgency shown by a company that has 1/7th of the whole wide world’s information in their hands . . they send out an apology letter.

As per the apology letter, I changed my password. Admittedly, generating a brand new password is an extremely difficult task for yours truly. It’s right up there with trying to figure out what the hell to add to a greeting card and not murdering people who wear Keep Calm t-shirts.

My first thought was to keep it simple, so I went with fuckyahoo! I wasn’t allowed to choose this password because it was too easy. Not to mention insanely popular. So I tried something completely different with yahoosmotherisawhore. Again, the password police informed me that it was too easy and I replied with soisyahoosmother, to which the password police replied with lol. It went on like this for a lot longer than I care to admit before I hit on a password that I can remember for at least the next five minutes. That’s alright, the hackers will remember it for me.

Here are some of the passwords that didn’t make the cut. I spaced the words for easy reading.

i voted for harambe

miami dolphins superbowl 51 champions

i shot a man in reno just to watch him die

the voices in my head think you’re an asshole

hack this motherfuckers!

i woke up with trump hair

tupac in 2020

generic drugs ride the short bus

if you hacked this email password, you might be a red

i am negan

With new password in tow, I feel as if I have a new lease on life. At least for the next five years until Verizon or Google or Vladimir Putin or the US government (Both?) or whoever it is that owns the previous incarnation of Yahoo! lets me know that I need to report to a government facility for reprogramming on the orders of Supreme Leader Alexa.

I don’t know if I could hack it.