Dude, if John Wayne wouldn’t do it . . I’m just saying

Okay, about the Buffalo Wild Wings post. I left something out of the equation because to include these particular thoughts on this particular subject, I felt, was best served in a stand alone post. This one.

Football jerseys. As in why do grown men insist on wearing them, in public? The only qualifier to this rather specific opinion of mine is time and place. There are certain considerations that allow for a football jersey to be worn by a man . . in public. But these are very narrow and context driven considerations that are seldom met by grown men who really should know better.

Women can wear football jerseys wherever they want. Why? Because they don’t play professional football, that’s why. And really, even if they did, it would still be totally acceptable . . probably even more so.

My seemingly narrow minded observation is borne of a conversation I had with a friend several years back. She was telling me a story about this fellow she had dated and why she broke it off with him.

“He was always wearing those fucking football jerseys.” 

“So?” 

“I’m sorry, dudes shouldn’t wear another dude’s clothes unless they’re with the dude.” 

A light went on in my head . . . or was it off? Not sure, so I’ll go with both. Anyways, the conversation resonated, and to this day, I agree with this assessment. But as with any fashion rules, I have some loopholes.

If you’re lounging around at home, it’s perfectly acceptable to wear a football jersey because it’s like wearing pajamas- socially inappropriate but perfectly acceptable in the privacy of your own home. Now, you can venture outside, but it better have a good reason attached to it. Like, if you’re doing yard work, or getting the mail, or resuscitating your elderly next door neighbor. In that last scenario, you always go with what serves the greater good; because while the sight of a grown man wearing a football jersey is sure to draw smirks, letting your elderly next door neighbor drop dead while you grab something else to wear means you’re gonna be forced to move.

Male Raiders fans can wear football jerseys in public. I know, it seems absurd to single out a fan base but hear me out. Raiders jerseys are social statements. There is a definite street credibility to Raiders jerseys that allows people to know what you’re about without having to commit a felony in order to prove it. And besides, they aren’t the only fan base where dudes can flaunt these dubious duds in public without reprisal. Browns fans can do it too, because it means they had nothing else to wear . . . obviously. So spare them the judgement and gift them a ten spot while you’re at it.

The beach is an acceptable venue for football jersey wearing dudes. I say this because I wore a football jersey to the beach this past summer. In my defense, I chose this particular article of clothing because the nylon mesh was cool to the touch and served as the perfect remedy to my dry skin. Not to mention, the navy blue Miami Dolphins look (alternate uniform speak), I felt, was beach worthy and whimsical. If this reasoning seems just a tad effeminate, now you know what other people are probably thinking when they’re checking out a grown man wearing a football jersey in public.

And just to prove I’m not completely irrational in my fashion war on men who wear football jerseys in public . . I’ll give up one more publicly approved venue for these ill gotten fashion warriors. Football stadiums. I have no problem with guys who wear football jerseys to a football game, because it’s like one big costume party anyway.

Oh wow! You look just like Aaron Rodgers! If . . Aaron Rodgers was a hundred pounds heavier . . and a foot shorter. And he was bald. And he had tats of all his kids littering his arms and he was . . oh never mind, hey wow! You look just like Aaron Rodgers! 

Wearing a football jersey to the game conveys team pride, and it gives you something to vomit on after you consume your weight in fried foods and beer! And it helps those poor owners pay the electric bill, so make sure you purchase every single one of the six hundred and fifteen different varieties.

Just remember, you must be in attendance for the “Game Rules” to apply if you’re one of these jersey wearing fools. You can’t be hanging out at the bar down the street, much less a bar located hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away from the fucking game. Like, what’s the deal with those dudes? What are they thinking? What is the point of wearing a football jersey to a bar while rooting for a team that isn’t even playing in the same state?

Shit, that’s another post for another time.

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