Raiders at Texans- Third stringer Connor Cook is injured in the third quarter when a piece of a meteor shears off his left forearm. With no options beyond Cook, the Raiders apply a tourniquet to Cook’s arm and send him back out, after which he leads a furious Oakland rally from 21-0 down to win the game. Texans QB Brock Osweiler turns in a Venus de Milo performance, with thirty five passing attempts without a completion. Houston trades Osweiler to Sony Pictures and receives a year’s worth of acting lessons for J.J. Watt in return.
Dolphins at Steelers- Miami head coach announces Ryan Tannehill as his starting quarterback an hour before the game, which allows Steelers coach Mike Tomlin to rest his cornerbacks. Pittsburgh wins 2-0 as Tannehill shows more rust than the Titanic, and the Dolphins playoff hopes sink into the murky depths despite a record setting performance by running back Jay Ajayi, who rushes for four hundred and sixty eight yards. Head coach Adam Gase announces his club will not use a quarterback next season. Ben Roethlisberger is critical of his team’s offensive game plan, suggesting that perhaps Tomlin should hand off his cheer leading responsibilities to someone else.
Lions at Seahawks- Richard Sherman takes a nap during the national anthem and doesn’t wake up until the second quarter, allowing Matthew Stafford to light up the Seahawks secondary for three touchdown passes and propelling the Lions to a 28-7 halftime lead. Seattle’s comeback falls short on the last play of the game when Pete Carroll inexplicably calls a flea flicker on fourth and goal from the Lions one yard line. Detroit wins its first playoff game since the first Bush administration and President Elect Donald Trump takes full credit for bringing winning football back to Detroit.
Giants at Packers- The Giants wide receivers play the first half as if they still have sand in their jocks. Eli Manning completes twelve passes in the half- ten to running backs, one to his tight end and a sixty eight yard scoring strike to himself. Not to be outdone, Aaron Rodgers goes 17-17 and catches his own Hail Mary to give the Packers a 14-13 lead at halftime. Things get no better for the Giants wide receivers in the second half as Odell Beckham drops a touchdown pass and then blames it on suntan lotion residue. Aaron Rodgers wins it for the Packers on a Hail Mary pass to Jordy Nelson as time expires. Nelson later admits he also spent time in Miami (Of Ohio) recently. Giants head coach Ben McAdoo puts a $50,000 bounty on Justin Bieber, dead or alive. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell fines McAdoo, calling the Bieber bounty “Not nearly enough.”