It is a period of civil war among fans and voters alike, and the South- or more specifically the SEC- finds its stranglehold on the college football universe weakening. The Clemson Tigers, having come so close to defeating the Evil College Football Empire known as the Alabama Crimson Tide in the year 2016, have returned once again with young Jedi Deshaun Watson leading the rebellion.
Lord Saban’s death grip on the galaxy has been questioned by certain members of his own council as a result of his decision to banish his top commander Lane Kiffin to the outpost of Florida Atlantic for the high crime of douchebaggery. Kiffin was replaced with Lieutenant Sarkisian; formerly of the Planet Troy.
The young Watson was courted by Lord Saban after his senior year of high school in Gainesville Georgia, but decided against joining the dark side and now he finds his college football legacy hanging in the balance as the Evil Empire takes a double digit lead into the fourth quarter. During this battle, the Leader of the Rebellion- Dabo Swinney- manages to stall the Evil Empire’s game plan to milk the clock and win yet another national championship in the process. A double digit lead evaporates and the- pun alert- Tide begins to turn in favor of the rebels. Swinney leads his soldiers back against the seemingly far superior storm troopers with nothing more than a Waffle House menu in his grip and the famous words of Jedi Master, Yoda Lee Corso in his heart. Not so fast. And yeah, he has that young Jedi Deshaun Watson doing his thing . . which helps a shit ton.
Not to be outdone, Jalen Hurts is a Knight of the First Order with mad skills. As with Watson, Hurts is quite young but the force is also very strong with him. Hurts however, has used his powers for evil rather than mediocrity (he could’ve gone to Texas A&M). His mission is to crush the Alliance for once and for all and to establish a reign even Bill Belichick would be impressed with . . . maybe. And as the battle enters its final stages, it appears as if Hurts will do just that after he breaks straight up the middle and scores with two minutes remaining.
But then, with six seconds separating the Evil Empire from a victory which would seal the fate of the college football galaxy for yet another season, Deshaun Watson rolls to his right and as he does so, he can hear Yoda Lee Corso’s words . . The LSU Tigers are gonna win the national championship, you can book it!. No, no, no . . not those words . . these words. The force is strong . . and hey! That Renfro kid is open! Deshaun connects with wide receiver Hunter Renfrow with one second remaining on the clock and Clemson fans begin to celebrate, even if there is still time enough for the Crimson Tide to squash this rebellion. Because really, one second on the clock is a fucking lifetime in college football. As any Georgia Bulldog fan would tell you, in between curse words.
The rebels have one last trick up their sleeve, however. Rather than kicking the ball deep, after which they would have to give chase to their evil counterparts for a solid twenty minutes of lateral advancements, they utilize an onside kick which they recover to seal the victory. As the clock expires, Deshaun Watson lets a call from the New York Jets go to voicemail, Dabo Swinney orders the All Star Special off his Waffle House menu and Lord Saban ponders what life would be like in LA.
The Alliance has a new hope . . at least until Lord Saban decides to give the NFL another try which opens the door for Dabo to take over.