Steelers at Patriots: After a week of extremely entertaining smack talk where both clubs go back and forth with each other as if they are reality show wives with Centurion cards, the game actually proves even more awesome than the run up. In what will later be dubbed the “Yo Mama! Bowl”, Ben Roethlisberger tosses three touchdown passes in the first half alone- none of which are thrown in the direction of Antonio Brown; seeing as Brown is taking part in a Facebook Forum while simultaneously interviewing for a side (full time?) gig on TMZ. Trailing 31-0 at the half, Tom Brady treats the third quarter like his own personal blitzkrieg, throwing for four hundred yards and five touchdown passes; which is sick shit, even on Madden. The Steelers respond with their best Jack Reacher, brushing off all those salvos and producing a couple of their own. Le’Veon Bell is at his sleepwalking crazy dance best, scoring twice in the final stanza and leading his team to victory in Foxborough. After the game, officials learn that Brady used a Nerf football in his third quarter assault on the record books. The league office suspends Brady for the first eight games of the 2017 season, and the New England signal caller appeals the ruling. He asks for twelve games so that he can spend the holidays in Maui.
Packers at Falcons: Despite their record setting season, Matt Ryan and the Falcons find themselves playing the role of side note to Aaron “Touchdown Jesus” Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers. After growing tired of correcting national writers who keep referring to Ryan as ‘Jack’, the Atlanta quarterback decides to just go along with it. Ironically, this seals his bid for the MVP award since the clueless scribes are thoroughly impressed by Ryan’s versatility. One writer sums up the collective cluelessness best, “Not only is Ryan a top level CIA operative, but he threw for 38 touchdown passes and just under 5,000 yards this season! He’s my MVP!” The Catholic Church announces it will challenge the ruling, before being reminded there is actually zero proof that Aaron Rodgers is, in fact, Jesus. As for the game? It starts on a high note, literally, as Rodgers throws a Hail Mary touchdown pass on the first play of the game, giving the Packers a quick 7-0 lead. After that, the South rules again (Sorry kids, that’s a Civil War reference. I couldn’t find an Emoji for it). Ryan picks apart the cheesy Packers secondary for 411 yards and four touchdowns and running back Devonta Freeman scores twice as the Falcons crush Green Bay. The Falcons return to the Super Bowl for the first time since Donald Trump was best known nationally as that rich white dude who bumped into Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone 2. After the game, Devonta Freeman decides Hell, if it worked for Matt . . who am I to argue?. He goes along with his media given name- Morgan- and it ends up scoring him the role of Ellis Boyd in the Broadway version of The Shawshank Redemption.