Your Championship Game Questions, Answered! (Results may vary)

Steelers at Patriots: After a week of extremely entertaining smack talk where both clubs go back and forth with each other as if they are reality show wives with Centurion cards, the game actually proves even more awesome than the run up. In what will later be dubbed the “Yo Mama! Bowl”, Ben Roethlisberger tosses three touchdown passes in the first half alone- none of which are thrown in the direction of Antonio Brown; seeing as Brown is taking part in a Facebook Forum while simultaneously interviewing for a side (full time?) gig on TMZ. Trailing 31-0 at the half, Tom Brady treats the third quarter like his own personal blitzkrieg, throwing for four hundred yards and five touchdown passes; which is sick shit, even on Madden. The Steelers respond with their best Jack Reacher, brushing off all those salvos and producing a couple of their own. Le’Veon Bell is at his sleepwalking crazy dance best, scoring twice in the final stanza and leading his team to victory in Foxborough. After the game, officials learn that Brady used a Nerf football in his third quarter assault on the record books. The league office suspends Brady for the first eight games of the 2017 season, and the New England signal caller appeals the ruling. He asks for twelve games so that he can spend the holidays in Maui.

Packers at Falcons: Despite their record setting season, Matt Ryan and the Falcons find themselves playing the role of side note to Aaron “Touchdown Jesus” Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers. After growing tired of correcting national writers who keep referring to Ryan as ‘Jack’, the Atlanta quarterback decides to just go along with it. Ironically, this seals his bid for the MVP award since the clueless scribes are thoroughly impressed by Ryan’s versatility. One writer sums up the collective cluelessness best, “Not only is Ryan a top level CIA operative, but he threw for 38 touchdown passes and just under 5,000 yards this season! He’s my MVP!” The Catholic Church announces it will challenge the ruling, before being reminded there is actually zero proof that Aaron Rodgers is, in fact, Jesus. As for the game? It starts on a high note, literally, as Rodgers throws a Hail Mary touchdown pass on the first play of the game, giving the Packers a quick 7-0 lead. After that, the South rules again (Sorry kids, that’s a Civil War reference. I couldn’t find an Emoji for it). Ryan picks apart the cheesy Packers secondary for 411 yards and four touchdowns and running back Devonta Freeman scores twice as the Falcons crush Green Bay. The Falcons return to the Super Bowl for the first time since Donald Trump was best known nationally as that rich white dude who bumped into Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone 2. After the game, Devonta Freeman decides Hell, if it worked for Matt . .  who am I to argue?. He goes along with his media given name- Morgan- and it ends up scoring him the role of Ellis Boyd in the Broadway version of The Shawshank Redemption. 

 

 

 

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16 thoughts on “Your Championship Game Questions, Answered! (Results may vary)

  1. Here’s our take:
    1. Patriots over the Steelers
    *Note to Mike Tomlinson:
    “If you haven’t got something nice to say about someone….”
    2. Falcons over the Packers
    *Note to Aaron Rodgers:
    You can serve at a table, you can sit at a table, & yes, you can even clear snd eat at a table, but you ain’t gonna “run” the table! Dinner’s over dude!

    • Well Fantasy, I wasn’t down with AB’s live stream nonsense at all. The problem with social media is that people take real time over the real moments. There’s a time and place, and in today’s world, there are too many people who do not understand how to differentiate. And if you’re the star wide receiver of a team, you better know the difference. But it wasn’t Tomlin’s fault in this instance, and let’s face it, that rant of his was cupcake compared to some of the stuff that gets said in a locker room.

      As for the Rodgers line, I’m using it!

    • Oh yeah, I think the Steelers can go into Foxborough and win for sure. One of the elements to the Patriots ridiculous success is the whole mystique of the Patriots. And when a team- Ravens, Giants- doesn’t buy in, the field levels out sufficiently enough to give the opposing team a legit shot. And the Steelers have lots of weapons.

      • They’re in the game. They definitely have a chance. My biggest concern is the occasionally lousy game Roethlisberger has in these moments. If he keeps his mistakes to a minimum and Bell gets some running room …

        • Bell is such a fascinating runner. The whole story about how Tomlin and Bell first hooked up is awesome. While all the scouts and experts were criticizing Bell’s unconventional approach to running the football, Tomlin loved it. Cool story.

          • It’s one of those things that makes you wonder why it took so long for another RB to do what he does. Can’t tell you how tired I am of seeing RBs try to run up the backs of their linemen.

  2. You had me on the floor with your Steelers/Patriots play calls.The Nerf ball was classic. Touchdown Jesus and Jack Ryan Bwaaahhahahahahahahahahaha You kill me, Pilgrim……really. ;-D

    • Sheriff, you and me both know that Goodell didn’t punish Brady with that four game suspension. Are you fucking kidding me? Dude took a vacation in Italy! With Giselle! Which is why I believe he will do everything in his dark powers to fetch another suspension.

      If Big Ben can actually throw the ball with any degree of success, the Steelers win this game. We’ll see.

  3. Jack Ryan and Morgan Freeman, omg. So funny. I’m totally okay with my Dirty Birds flying under the radar. 🙂 I just hope the Packers don’t pass them their flu germs tomorrow.

    Dirty Birds in the A…. whoever found that Eazy E remake is a genius. I love that!

    • I think Matty Ice is up for this. It’s funny how he gets criticized for ‘never’ having played big in a big game, when it’s just not true. Oh well, today is all that counts.

      Yep, that music coordinator is pretty talented. 🙂

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