Talking a good game

I was talking with someone about high talkers versus low talkers. It’s not like we had a preference, it was more a deliberate and rather hilarious take on what makes each end of this vocal spectrum so much fun to pontificate on. By high talkers, I don’t necessarily mean people who speak loudly at all times on account of the fact they are either a)socially challenged, b)the President or c)both.

High talkers insist on yelling shit instead of saying shit. Like, instead of saying We’re gonna kick some ass today, which happens to be a proclamation with little to no need for red pepper flaked inflection . . .they have to upper case the thought. As in We’re gonna kick some ass today! It’s a waste of oomph, really. You already introduced the mission statement, leave the exclamation points for some other obligation.

The above example isn’t what makes a high talker, a high talker. Nope. Because while the above example is understandable enough, there are scores of other statements spewed by these peeps that do not fit the upper case effect. Five examples? Why not.

Black coffee! Love it!
I’m having a turkey sandwich for lunch!
Computer’s running slow!
It’s Monday!
Papercut!

You could argue that high talkers are just overly enthusiastic but really, they simply possess a volume malfunction that wasn’t caught when they were being built at the factory. It’s plenty fine with me, because high talkers are trapeze artists of curb side walking. They bring an excitement to the everyday, a chemical spill-like tone to spilled milk, they go heavy metal to the highly mundane. Without even trying! I’m a provocateur, so these people really turn me on. I love high talkers because they make language jump. Off buildings. And I’m usually the one to do the pushing.

The low talkers are an entirely different story. These people talk in whispers. You get the feeling they couldn’t stir you from sleep if their hair was on fire. It’s a fantastic journey into the unknown when you attempt to engage in conversation with a low talker, because you never know what in the hell they are talking about. It’s a passive aggressive power trip, to be certain. These people are always right . . . about everything. Simply because it’s impossible to challenge what you cannot hear.

Top five examples of what comes out of a low talker’s mouth? No clue.

Low talkers are like knuckle ball pitchers in that they manipulate the language until it is impossible to draw a bead on it. Be forewarned, a conversation with a low talker is always a one sided affair because . . . yep, they’re always right. Eavesdropping on their conversations is like listening to someone talk on the phone. Unless they happen to be talking to a high talker, in which case it’s like listening to someone scream into the phone.

So it was that yesterday morning I provoked such a head on collision before fleeing the scene like a pyromaniac with his popcorn and binoculars in hand. The high talker started off with several big punches, all of which I can only assume landed. But it was all for naught.

The low talker kicked his ass.

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15 thoughts on “Talking a good game

  1. I had a boss who was a low talker. He used to mumble and then the only think I really heard was the question, “Clear?” I had no choice but to say, “Crystal.” I then had a couple of hours to figure out what was clear. Good discussion, Pilgrim.

  2. Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode. At my husband’s holiday party, we sat with one of his co-workers and the co-workers wife. The wife was a low talker and I couldn’t hear a word she said so I just sat their nodding the whole evening. The next day my husband told me the co – workers wife loved me and we should hang out more often.

  3. I am a low talker. I am turned on by other low talkers. They give off this aura that they’re in control, self-assured. Certainly, they don’t have to strut around with their obnoxiously loud voices to get their point across. They simply get it. Loud talkers seem to always talk over low talkers, and that’s the epitome of rude–and fragile egos!

    Great post Cayman!

    • And just for the record, I’m a medium talker. Seeing as how I have more bass to my voice, I tend to compensate by singing a greeting to someone oftentimes. The loud talkers dig this because they think I’m one of them. The low talkers like it because, well, who doesn’t like to be sung to? Even if it’s just their name I’m singing? So really, I am something both the low talkers and the high talkers can agree on.

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