Cayman Thorn’s NFL Wild Guesses (Expert Analysis Not Included)

San Diego Chargers at Cincinnati Bengals- The Chargers jump out to a 4-0 lead in the bottom of the second quarter thanks to a couple of safeties. They’re pitching a shutout until the Bengals answer with a tape measure home run pass of ninety nine yards to take the lead at halftime. After Dusty Baker leaves, a football game breaks out. With the Chargers leading 24-20 with two minutes left, Andy Dalton leads the Bengals on an 85 yard drive to win their first playoff game since Millli Vanilli took home a Grammy (For anyone unfamiliar with Milli Vanilli, they were a musical duo whose talents far exceeded most of the crap you call music today.). Linebacker Manti Te’o initially claims he intercepted an errant Dalton pass on the final drive before later admitting he made the whole thing up.

Kansas City at Indianapolis Colts- In a bizarre turn of events, the Chiefs are found bound and gagged in their locker room; replaced by . . . the Pittsburgh Steelers. Dubbed the “Enrico Palazzo Game”, the Steelers 14-0 first quarter lead is surrendered once the Chiefs take the field. With less than a minute to go and the Colts moving into position for a potential game winning field goal, Andy Reid borrows a page from the Steelers handbook and trips up Andrew Luck on a sideline run, resulting in a fumble recovery for the Chiefs. The play is reviewed but it stands. “There wasn’t sufficient evidence to overturn the call,” Explains the head of officiating, before admitting. “And besides, Reid scares the shit out of me.”

New Orleans Saints at Philadelphia Eagles- In the only blowout of wild card weekend, the Eagles obliterate the Saints by a score of 86-38. Nick Foles tosses eight touchdown passes in his first postseason game and LeSean McCoy runs for three hundred yards and three scores. The 76ers reach out to Chip Kelly to gauge his interest. The Saints fire defensive coordinator Rob Ryan immediately after the game. “That’s okay, I’ll have a job in five minutes once I hit the street.” Says Ryan. True to his word, Ryan scores a gig as a bouncer at Delilah’s Den- an upscale gentleman’s club.

San Francisco 49ers at Green Bay Packers- Following a stirring pre-game speech, 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh devours a football helmet. An inspired 49ers squad jumps out to a 21-0 lead. Aaron Rodgers leads the Packers all the way back after which a tense struggle ensues. The game goes into overtime and the 49ers kick a field goal on their opening possession. As Aaron Rodgers is running onto the field, he collides with Matt Flynn and both quarterbacks are knocked cold. The Packers third string quarterback, Scott Tolzien, is unavailable because he is shooting a State Farm commercial.

“Only a miracle can save us!” Shouts Packers coach Mike McCarthy. On cue, Tim Tebow appears. The newly hired commentator on ESPN Jesus, Tebow offers his services.

“Kid, if you can win this game for me? I’ll never use God and damn in beautiful harmony again. I won’t tell Bears fans to go to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks, and I’ll even stop prank calling Brett Favre . . .”

Tebow suits up and then proceeds to lead the Packers to a game winning touchdown. After the game, Tebow is offered a five year deal with the Florida Gators. Mike McCarthy promises that “You’ll definitely see me in church . . at some point.” Meanwhile, a seething Jim Harbaugh holds a three second press conference before storming off to devour the Lombardi trophy.