Your Championship Game Questions, Answered! (Results may vary)

Steelers at Patriots: After a week of extremely entertaining smack talk where both clubs go back and forth with each other as if they are reality show wives with Centurion cards, the game actually proves even more awesome than the run up. In what will later be dubbed the “Yo Mama! Bowl”, Ben Roethlisberger tosses three touchdown passes in the first half alone- none of which are thrown in the direction of Antonio Brown; seeing as Brown is taking part in a Facebook Forum while simultaneously interviewing for a side (full time?) gig on TMZ. Trailing 31-0 at the half, Tom Brady treats the third quarter like his own personal blitzkrieg, throwing for four hundred yards and five touchdown passes; which is sick shit, even on Madden. The Steelers respond with their best Jack Reacher, brushing off all those salvos and producing a couple of their own. Le’Veon Bell is at his sleepwalking crazy dance best, scoring twice in the final stanza and leading his team to victory in Foxborough. After the game, officials learn that Brady used a Nerf football in his third quarter assault on the record books. The league office suspends Brady for the first eight games of the 2017 season, and the New England signal caller appeals the ruling. He asks for twelve games so that he can spend the holidays in Maui.

Packers at Falcons: Despite their record setting season, Matt Ryan and the Falcons find themselves playing the role of side note to Aaron “Touchdown Jesus” Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers. After growing tired of correcting national writers who keep referring to Ryan as ‘Jack’, the Atlanta quarterback decides to just go along with it. Ironically, this seals his bid for the MVP award since the clueless scribes are thoroughly impressed by Ryan’s versatility. One writer sums up the collective cluelessness best, “Not only is Ryan a top level CIA operative, but he threw for 38 touchdown passes and just under 5,000 yards this season! He’s my MVP!” The Catholic Church announces it will challenge the ruling, before being reminded there is actually zero proof that Aaron Rodgers is, in fact, Jesus. As for the game? It starts on a high note, literally, as Rodgers throws a Hail Mary touchdown pass on the first play of the game, giving the Packers a quick 7-0 lead. After that, the South rules again (Sorry kids, that’s a Civil War reference. I couldn’t find an Emoji for it). Ryan picks apart the cheesy Packers secondary for 411 yards and four touchdowns and running back Devonta Freeman scores twice as the Falcons crush Green Bay. The Falcons return to the Super Bowl for the first time since Donald Trump was best known nationally as that rich white dude who bumped into Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone 2. After the game, Devonta Freeman decides Hell, if it worked for Matt . .  who am I to argue?. He goes along with his media given name- Morgan- and it ends up scoring him the role of Ellis Boyd in the Broadway version of The Shawshank Redemption. 

 

 

 

The Tortoise and the Hair

You know the fable, right? A hot shit rabbit challenges a tortoise to a race (I’m assuming it was a 5K race because the story wasn’t all that long), and then proceeds to get his ass handed to him by the tortoise because he was busy styling instead of running. After which, the wiseguys in Vegas who lost a shit ton of money over the race make stew out of the loser.

Or something like that.

Anyways, I thought about the tortoise and the hare when all this Odell Beckham Jr. bullshit was coming down over the last week before building to a crescendo on Sunday evening. You might be wondering how I applied a story that was published in 1668 to the trials and tribulations of a star wide receiver on the New York Giants. Unless you’ve visited Drinks before, in which case you know how my mind breaks from its leash and just goes off running into the wilderness.

Okay, let me ‘splain. Odell is the hare. He’s fast and he’s entertaining. Basically, he’s the bright and shiny object fans slobber over. He can dazzle with his one handed catches that win the top 10 highlight spot on SportsCenter, and so you tend to never mind the fact that he’s never won a really big game.  He can break one from anywhere on the field, and so you tend to never mind his disappearing act when the moment gets big. Sure he’s shown a proclivity for preening and posing rather than leading and winning, but he’s the bright and shiny object . . . remember?

Then you have the other side of the equation, the tortoise. Slower, methodical, it’s okay to say it . . boring. The tortoise might describe a lesser physical specimen than OBJ who just so happens to play the same position, at a fraction of the price in drama and dollars. And there are a bunch of these fellas in the NFL as we speak. They don’t have sizzle and most of them will never make the SportsCenter top 10 highlights. Because they’re not bright and shiny objects. See, if Beckham Jr is a Ferrari . . . these guys? They’re Honda’s.

But here’s the thing. The New York Giants are parking their Ferrari in the garage for the winter while the New England Patriots are tuning up their Honda’s for a road trip to February. I choose the Patriots in this instance because there is not a single wide-out on New England’s roster who can match Beckham’s talent; but it’s a good bet they wouldn’t take OBJ right now if the Giants offered him up for a bag of footballs (Even if the footballs were properly inflated).

Listen, I don’t give a flying fuck what a star wide receiver does in the week leading up to a single elimination contest. Just so long as he does his job come Sunday. Beckham showing up in Miami last week didn’t cost the Giants a chance to advance on Sunday. Beckham not showing up in Green Bay? That did. Miami gets blamed for shitty football every season, so hells yeah I have a problem with that narrative. This wasn’t Miami’s fault. This was an all world talent behaving like a punk when he should’ve been getting down to business at game time.

He’s young and so you tend to never mind the stupid. But at some point, the dude has to own it rather than deflect it. Beckham behaves as if all the criticism exists in a vacuum, as if he had nothing to do with it. It’s like he took a long nap when all this shit was going down.

At least he woke up in time to watch the tortoise play next weekend.

 

Cayman Thorn’s NFL Wild Guesses (Expert Analysis Not Included)

San Diego Chargers at Cincinnati Bengals- The Chargers jump out to a 4-0 lead in the bottom of the second quarter thanks to a couple of safeties. They’re pitching a shutout until the Bengals answer with a tape measure home run pass of ninety nine yards to take the lead at halftime. After Dusty Baker leaves, a football game breaks out. With the Chargers leading 24-20 with two minutes left, Andy Dalton leads the Bengals on an 85 yard drive to win their first playoff game since Millli Vanilli took home a Grammy (For anyone unfamiliar with Milli Vanilli, they were a musical duo whose talents far exceeded most of the crap you call music today.). Linebacker Manti Te’o initially claims he intercepted an errant Dalton pass on the final drive before later admitting he made the whole thing up.

Kansas City at Indianapolis Colts- In a bizarre turn of events, the Chiefs are found bound and gagged in their locker room; replaced by . . . the Pittsburgh Steelers. Dubbed the “Enrico Palazzo Game”, the Steelers 14-0 first quarter lead is surrendered once the Chiefs take the field. With less than a minute to go and the Colts moving into position for a potential game winning field goal, Andy Reid borrows a page from the Steelers handbook and trips up Andrew Luck on a sideline run, resulting in a fumble recovery for the Chiefs. The play is reviewed but it stands. “There wasn’t sufficient evidence to overturn the call,” Explains the head of officiating, before admitting. “And besides, Reid scares the shit out of me.”

New Orleans Saints at Philadelphia Eagles- In the only blowout of wild card weekend, the Eagles obliterate the Saints by a score of 86-38. Nick Foles tosses eight touchdown passes in his first postseason game and LeSean McCoy runs for three hundred yards and three scores. The 76ers reach out to Chip Kelly to gauge his interest. The Saints fire defensive coordinator Rob Ryan immediately after the game. “That’s okay, I’ll have a job in five minutes once I hit the street.” Says Ryan. True to his word, Ryan scores a gig as a bouncer at Delilah’s Den- an upscale gentleman’s club.

San Francisco 49ers at Green Bay Packers- Following a stirring pre-game speech, 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh devours a football helmet. An inspired 49ers squad jumps out to a 21-0 lead. Aaron Rodgers leads the Packers all the way back after which a tense struggle ensues. The game goes into overtime and the 49ers kick a field goal on their opening possession. As Aaron Rodgers is running onto the field, he collides with Matt Flynn and both quarterbacks are knocked cold. The Packers third string quarterback, Scott Tolzien, is unavailable because he is shooting a State Farm commercial.

“Only a miracle can save us!” Shouts Packers coach Mike McCarthy. On cue, Tim Tebow appears. The newly hired commentator on ESPN Jesus, Tebow offers his services.

“Kid, if you can win this game for me? I’ll never use God and damn in beautiful harmony again. I won’t tell Bears fans to go to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks, and I’ll even stop prank calling Brett Favre . . .”

Tebow suits up and then proceeds to lead the Packers to a game winning touchdown. After the game, Tebow is offered a five year deal with the Florida Gators. Mike McCarthy promises that “You’ll definitely see me in church . . at some point.” Meanwhile, a seething Jim Harbaugh holds a three second press conference before storming off to devour the Lombardi trophy.

My Frommers Championship Predictions

I’m taking another bent on my predictions, since all the game analysis is busying up on the stout defenses and elite quarterbacks. Here’s my best town wins way of figuring out today.

New York vs San Francisco- What’s not to love about the City by the Bay? You’ve got the Fog City Diner, which is a must should you have occasion to visit. There’s Fisherman’s Wharf, where you can spend an Otis Redding afternoon. The Japanese Tea Garden will leave you inspired. And if you’re looking for a ladder with which to take in the Bay, get to Nob Hill. Get your historical walk on at the Presidio, and use the cable cars whenever possible. Coolest thing, ever.

The New York side of the ledger is easy pickings. The Empire State Building is logical, but for the inner photographer in me, I loves me some Flatiron Building. And while in the neighborhood, I’m all over the Mesa Grill. Getting up early and doing the morning show windows is always a kick, after which I like to grab a cup of Joe from Dean & Deluca before carving up Fifth Ave all the way to FAO Schwartz and the Apple Store.  After which I can spend a day (and have) at the Met. Take in a Broadway play and then head over to Victors Cafe for the best Cuban food this side of Rincon Criollo.

The Pick- There are no losers in this titanic tilt. But I gotta go with my hometown, lest I get my privileges revoked. It’s New York by a half star over San Fran.

Baltimore vs New England- This one is way easier for me. Baltimore is Inner Harbor for me. But it doesn’t end there by a long shot. Grab a water taxi to Fort McHenry for the nexus of our Star Spangled history. Harbor East for your chic picks. The National Aquarium (GREAT snow day venture) is always fun. And whilst mourning the shuttered up Legal Seafood, I found my newest culinary entanglement at Bond Street Social. And Camden Yards is just one of my favorite Baltimore things.

What can I say about New England? I mean, without use of well worn expletives. I happen to believe it’s best experienced from the top down. Go hiking on Cadillac Mountain. A ski weekend in Killington or Pico (both!) is always the height of coolness. An afternoon stroll through the town of Woodstock is as good as it gets. Shop tax free in New Hampshire for a kitsch fix.  And while Massachusetts does possess its share of good time gets- from the Commons to Fenway Park- I never really fell in love with the state. And the best thing I can say about Connecticut comes from I Love Lucy episodes. On the upside, Rhode Island has the best parties per capita in the country, no kidding.

The Pick- I’m thinking it’s a rout. Baltimore by three stars.

It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you love the game

It had to end some time.

As a writer, the words just come easier out of a loss. Victories usually provoke a heady advancement of bold adjectives and overwrought accolades. It’s freshness comes out of the realization that it rarely happens that way. Sports is life, only with box scores.

Most seasons are not going to end well, but inside of each new one we’re lost to the possibilities inherent. Hey, if you live long enough, you’re going to lose a hell of a lot more than you ever win. That’s just nature’s course talking.

Literature was born in winter, after all.

Tim Tebow and these Broncos did something I never would have imagined possible. They had me watching and hoping and dreaming. Considering my stance on the league just last summer, that’s some pretty cool stuff.

And he’s got plenty of company when it comes to unfortunate endings.

Of all the Yankee moments in all the towns in all the baseball world, it’s a loss I remember best of all. It was Game 7 in Arizona at the end of their dynastic run back in 2001. Mariano Rivera was proving himself to be human after all, unable to hold a 2-1 ninth inning lead.

It seemed impossible, to lose that World Series. After all of the horror of September 11th, it seemed as if the Yankees were going to give a city in need a few hours of celebration to rest its weary head on. And just like that, the wrong uniforms were jumping up and down and the Yankees great run had officially become a historical footnote.

I had been up to New York a couple of times that fall. I’d gone up once as a volunteer, and then after that again. And in between the crying and working, were the sports conversations. I’d talk up the Mets and Bobby Valentine with a cop from Brooklyn. I’d argue the Yankees rotation with a fireman from Queens. Wins and losses had all the perspective they would ever need inside these moments. Baseball was a fine place to lose ourselves inside a world gone black.

I watched the end of that Game 7 and then I thought about those conversations and it occurred to me, that this ending was just as it had to be. Strangely poetic, completely fitting. It made more sense to me than a parade ever would have.

As a sports fan, you’re going to experience more losses than wins. That’s just how it goes.  But even when the numbers on a scoreboard come out all wrong, it’s better to have had the chance to dream of something more.

Infinitely so.

Why Tebow Matters

Tim Tebow isn’t some ethereal figure. The miracles he has thrown across the Rocky Mountains are not heaven sent, but rather, they are the product of a kid who’s busted it just to make the grade.

We knew him long before today. He was the face of a powerful Florida team, the apostolic warrior who did the right things inside a program that too often did the wrong ones all too well. Tebow was the college hero without a rap sheet. He lived clean, played hard and won in bunches. His imprint on college football is unquestioned.

His transition to the next level was another matter. His first round selection was a curiosity. He was, at best, a project with little upside in a league where speed kills much better prospects than the kid from Florida. Tebow was an option quarterback, and that was a running joke going into this year. Cause it seemed the only option he had in the NFL was to serve as a sideline fixture with a clipboard in his hand.

He was never going to be a starter. Until he was. He was never going to win big games. Until he did. He was written off before he was written of, and I for one think it’s to his credit that he doesn’t take a hint very well.

Whatever Tebow does tonight doesn’t matter nearly as much as what Tebow has done to get to tonight. He was given the starting job with a 1-4 hole that he wasn’t really expected to dig out of. He was given the job as much to improve  his chances of playing somewhere else next year as anything.

He took the chance granted him and delivered. He’s 8-4 to this point, and all he did last week was beat one of the best defenses in the game. He has given the Broncos a chance that no one saw coming back in October.

Tebow has  galvanized a football town and he’s given some much needed contrast to a league where talented losers grab the headlines more often than not. There’s been a lot of talk about how the Tebow train has become a tired hype circus. Well, blame the twenty four hour sports circuits for that. For my money, I’ll take Tebow over Rex Ryan’s daily predictions and Santonio Holmes’ late game pouting and Brett Favre sightings and those Terrell Owens one man press conferences.

It’s on the field we’re talking about with Tebow. It hasn’t always been pretty, and sometimes it has been downright absurd. But damn if it hasn’t been a great ride. He’s not some mythical sign, simply a guy who doesn’t have the prototypical skills required of his job but somehow made it to January nonetheless.

You could field an all star team with the quarterbacks who are going to be watching him on television this weekend.  He’s a testament to what belief can achieve and he’s proven more than a few of us wrong this season.

There aren’t too many instances in the real world where being proved wrong is this much fun.

And when John Paar reworks his coming of age anthem in your honor? How cool is that?