Mama Mick texted me the other night to let me know Vera was doing her thing in “The Departed”, and it struck me as to the power of Vera. Here’s a flick with a thousand A-listers, and yet . . Vera held the conversation. That. Is hot.
It occurred to me while reading Christy and Mick’s Viggo posts that I have never given Vera her full measure of lovely props. Thanks to the Ladies at Drinks, Vera goes spotlight this time around.
Tag: vera farmiga
The Vera Farmiga Invitational: Superheroine Edition
With all this talk about legs and curls and magic, I felt like it was time for another installment of the Vera Farmiga Invitational. Imma devote this round to those sexy heroines and their bitch on wheels counterparts who bring the sexy to cinema. And if you’re confused as to why Vera Farmiga is headlining a post about Superheroines, you’re probably new to Drinks Well With Others. So, welcome . . make yourself at home. Unless you’re Marie Osmond, in which case I just want to thank you for knocking me up and then skipping town. Me and Maury Povich will be in touch. Bitch.
Rosario Dawson- She’s a regular visitor on my hot list because she’s 
hotter than a habanero pepper in a tanning bed. I found her on my newest tube fix, Daredevil, where she plays Claire Temple. The girl is a walking purr. When she spills her hair into a crazy place, you wilt. When she hits you with those eyes, you fall. And then she paints that voice across a scene and your brain puts on something more comfortable before getting all imaginative.
Scarlett Johansson- If it were illegal to be this hot, just laying your eyes on this mighty mujer would fetch a life sentence. As Black Widow in the Avengers, her alter ego Natasha Romanova has more aliases than I do. The one constant is the heat she brings to a franchise that has proven more adept at pushing product than giving us a story we can invest ourselves in. I have no such problems with Black Widow . . I’m invested.
Anne Hathaway- Seriously, what’s not to love about a woman who goes to work dressed like a cat in black leather? As Selina Kyle in The Dark Knight Rises, Hathaway is the bad girl paradigm. She stole Bruce Wayne’s Lambo, Bane’s thunder and my heart. And yeah, she stole the movie too.
Rosie Huntington Knightly- She doesn’t play a superhero in Mad 
Max, sooooo, I’m gonna leave this to the judges at Drinks Well to decide whether she counts. Yep, she does. And they (I) threw in a song just because she had to wait. The judges are dirty old sons a bitches if you ask me. But please . . . don’t ask me. And my . . God! This mouth watering pose deserves a musical spank . . I mean spill. Both.
Okay . . in the off chance Vera Farmiga IS reading this post and she’s like “Mofo, you ain’t even got a Youtube dedication for my ass and you expect me to shag you?” That’s an excellent point, mi amor. And I even disguised it . . in case you know who starts looking through your stuff. Te amo, Vera.
Halle Berry- Superhero World has all the luck. The subways always run on time (unless they’re being destroyed by aliens), the Supreme Court is the second highest court in the land and best of all . . they get Storm as a meteorologist. Us mortals have to settle for Al Roker. I mean, what the fuck? As Storm in X-Men, Berry makes it rain harder than an NBA team at a strip club. (Fun Fact: I was one of three people who bought Catwoman. I must’ve watched it a hundred times before it occurred to me that the movie was, yanno . . bird shit on your windshield with no wiper fluid horrible. I watched it another hundred times. . . just to make sure.)
Lindsay Czarniak– I’m bemused- yes, bemused!- at the fact that a rock and roll band hasn’t penned a song in her honor yet. She’s a five tool hottie- amazing personality, a wicked sense of humor, big smarts, a smoking bod and she knows her sports. When she throws curls into the mix, it’s crazy beautiful music to the eyes. How does she make the Superhero Hottie List you ask? The judges have decided that anyone who can pull off being a serious journalist while in the employ of ESPN is more than qualified, and I agree. Lindsay is the only thing I miss about the four letter. I can’t wait until she moves over to Fox Sports.
Gal Gadot- Wonder? Meet Woman. It’s gonna be a couple years before we get our Amazonian warrior princess fix, but this lovely crime fighter is worth the wait. She’s an eye buffet in real world fuck me pumps who endured a shitload of criticism (some of which you can read here) when she was cast for the role. I dig a girl who can literally dropkick her critics without mussing up her lovely locks. Go girl! I mean . . woman.
And speaking of the wonder of a woman, Demi “Sexier than Ever” Moore, knows how to wear those mystical cuffs. This pic is from six years ago, and yep . . she’s even sexier now. I’m starting to think Demi is an Anne Rice character, for reals. And I like that idea. I do.
Carla Gugino- She plays Sally Jupiter in my favorite superhero flick,
Watchmen. I have this recurring dream where Carla and me are in line at a Target on Black Friday, so we decide to make good use of the three hour wait by having sex in the stockroom. After which we partake of some Starbucks and I tell her I’m married. To which she replies, “She’s a lucky lady. Here’s my number in case forever doesn’t work out.” When I get home, I tell Vera everything and before I can apologize, she says “Shhh, it’s my fault. I should’ve gone shopping with you, baby. Let’s go back to bed and I’ll make you forget all about Carla.” Hey . . if you’re gonna dream? Dream big.
Sam- Yeah . . I know she’s a fictional depiction. It’s Christy’s fault, entirely, seeing as how she took a crazy diamond bit of poetic brilliance and brought it to life. Replete with legs, curls and a turntable unparallelled. Sam is the ‘It’ girl. How else to describe a chica who knows her football, has an endless playlist, loves running in the rain and playing in the snow and who believes that cooking with your significant other is akin to foreplay (It is!). Yep, Dave hit the love powerball with this number.
Yanno, it occurs to me that Sam is probably saying to herself “Hey . . uh, I’m in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Can you puhleeze show me a little love over here?” Girlfriend got a point. So here’s one for Sam and Dave.
Jennifer Garner- Yanno, every now and then (always) I make a mistake. My writing partner in crime Christy, (who is the peas to my carrots . . or is that the carrots to my peas?) noticed that a pretty important pair ‘o legs was missing from this list. Evidently, this dude (me?) who knows a woman so well is still a work in progress. Because how in the name of Elektra Natchios was Jennifer Garner not invited to my girls night out? Jennifer Garner took that girl next door character she plays so very well, and she merged it with a bad ass ninja right out of Frank Miller’s sexiest dreams. Here’s my musical clutch ‘o sunflowers, to say I’m sorry.
Welp, that’s a wrap. Hope you had as much fun as that bastard, Mr. Vera Farmiga, has on Saturday nights. According to the judges, MVF sucks donkey balls and should be eaten by a shark. Personally, I think they’re being a tad bit harsh, but I gotta respect their decision just the same.
My Dear God Letter (Sorry World Peace, You’re Not Included)
Dear God,
I know, it’s been a while and I’m really sorry about that. It’s just that, I’ve been sinning like nobody’s business and I figured it wasn’t a good idea to mix your business with my pleasure. I’m not asking for forgiveness, so chill. You deal with a gazillion ‘do over’ requests a day, and that’s just from the Clintons. I’m in awe of your ability to clean a human being’s hard drive of myriad improprieties while still having the time to make the sun rise and fall on cue. It’s why you’ve got the best selling Book, like, ever.
What I’m asking for is kind of a big deal. To me. And no . . this has nothing to do with that prayer I sent you about Mr Vera Farmiga meeting his untimely end inside the gaping jaws of a great white shark while I attempt to save his life (from a pier) . . . after which, his mourning wife Vera falls in deep and crazy love with me . . and after which we live in God-sanctioned sin for the rest of our lives. I realize this particular prayer was inappropriate, since . . yanno, you never answered it.
Sooo, here’s my prayer. Make Tim Tebow’s last chance at an NFL gig last longer than five minutes. Before you start laughing, hear me out.
Professional sports gives us ‘upsets’, not miracles. That would all change if Tebow scored a spot on the Eagles roster this fall, seeing as how his NFL resume reads like something out of Ripley’s. I realize he hasn’t played football in almost two years, but the Cleveland Browns haven’t played football for a lot longer than that and they still get to lace ’em up on Sundays.
God, I know I should be praying for that world peace thing, or rain in California, or a return to the original Uma Thurman face. But those things ain’t gonna happen unless He walks the earth again, and I really don’t see Ronald Reagan coming back anytime soon.
It would be a mighty cool thing, watching Tebow on the sidelines again. If he happened to make a couple starts, even better. If his mechanics have improved enough to score a start or several and turn summer into fall? That’s best case scenario, and I’m getting ahead of myself. The last time I got ahead of myself, it took me eleven years and divorce papers to catch up. Sorry about that . . .
Admittedly, there is a part of me that would love to see all these so called experts– and Mark Sanchez- eat their words. The peeps who accuse Tebow of being nothing more than a circus act are the same ones who pitch the tent and fire up the spotlight in the first place.
Here then, a top five list of reasons why Tebow deserves another shot:
1- He came out of the University of Florida with two national titles, one Heisman and zero arrests. That last statistic is most impressive when you consider those Urban Meyer clubs singlehandedly raised the crime rate in Tallahassee.
2- His magical playoff run with the Broncos. Okay, it was one game . . but what a game it was. It might not have qualified as miraculous, but it was magical. Professional football hasn’t experienced a magical moment like that since the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders introduced themselves. Which only goes to show, when you and Hugh Hefner collaborate on something, genius shit happens.
3- Tebow’s a virgin. He’s twenty seven and he’s a virgin. This confirms the fact that I am a whore, and I don’t care, because Tebow is the much needed anomaly to a league whose extracurricular activities are illegal and worse.
4- I’ve had it with QBR and all the other statistical evaluations that come with it. Worshipping numbers is mark of the beast stuff. Just look at Tom Brady. Too soon?
5- He’s not Aaron Hernandez. This ass clown shouldn’t count. Not any longer and not ever again.
Tebow, should count. In a league where deflated footballs require more investigation than battered women. In a league where bad guys get bucco chances and TV gigs after that.
On a human level, it’s even more obvious. Tebow should count for the one in a million shot we never stop believing in. He should count for all the right things in a world gone crazy with all the wrong ones. He should count for anyone who ever doubted their ability to make the day work in spite of the long and unforgiving odds. And hell (sorry), if Tebow can make the cut, doesn’t it tell us everything about ourselves in the doing?
If you can’t answer my prayer, I’ll understand. So long as you see it in your infinite power to introduce Tebow to my daughter some day, we can call it even.
The 73rd Annual Vera Farmiga Invitational
With temps chillier than Kris Kardashian’s undergarments, it’s high time for another list of hot chicas, served up by yours truly. I tried reaching Vera Farmiga- again- in the hopes that she might be interested in writing the foreword to this post, but she declined. Actually . . her husband declined. And then her lawyer declined . . and then, yeah . . the authorities, they felt the need to get all up in ‘ma business.
Anyways . . . on with the show!
Eva Green- The ivory skin. The boil that purrs below her surface. The way she strikes you with that wicked glance . . and the British accent. And so, you mean to tell me if the colonies had lost the Revolutionary War, we’d have even more of that going on over here right now? What the fuck were we thinking?
Katie Seagal- She’s the Lady MacBeth of biker babes. And she’s sexier than ever. And speaking of SOA babes . . .
Ally Walker- How do I put this nicely? Her character on Sons was a total cunt. She made bikers cringe, she made men get down on their knees to satisfy her needs. I’ll take your 50 Shades of Grey and I’ll raise you her.
Natasha Henstridge- Speaking of bad girls, she plays the kind of hard core bitch that makes this boy swoon. She’d toss her lover in a compactor if he didn’t master her domain. I’m in deep love with that kind of sexy.
J
ada Pinkett Smith- Since I’m on a mean sexy streak, I’d be remiss if I didn’t include JP Smooth. The way she plays Fish Mooney on Gotham . . well, I have to believe that’s what you’d be getting late in the night. Some Victoria’s Secret, with Barry White running the turn table, and a bottle of bub sitting on the bedside table. Okay, where was I?
Julianna Margulies- Elegance? Check. Sophistication? Check. Confidence? Check. Beauty? Check . . . You get ‘me point, the woman is Boss. (Fun Fact: Carol Hathaway, the character she played on ER, was set to be killed off early on, but the show’s writers came to their senses and she ended up hanging around for six season, becoming the only actor on the long running hit show to win an Emmy.) Sexy? Check!
Lauren Cohen- As Maggie on Walking Dead, Cohen provides a deft combination of muscle and smarts. It’s been a slow and beautiful burn since we first met her on the farm back in season 2. Not to mention, yeah . . . the British accent.
Stacey Dash- Those caramel eyes could talk me into anything. The rest of her would just seal the deal.
Rosario Dawson- My mouth waters whenever I utter her name aloud. Rosario . . . Rosario . . Alright, that’s enough. My cat’s giving me this look that’s basically saying, “Maybe it’s a good thing you cut my business off, dude . . .”
Sara Bareilles- I have this dream that the zombie apocalypse has arrived, and she’s my girlfriend. Sara sings me to sleep every night after three hour love sessions by the fire. And then I wake up. And I realize . . no zombie apocalypse yet. Zombies are fucking slackers.
Cobie Smulders- She’s simply my latest guilty pleasure on a show (How I Met Your Mother) I swore I would never watch but am currently binge watching. She can come off as indifferent, but that’s only cause you need to do your homework in order to gain her extra credit. Her sense of humor is drier than a gin martini on a budget and when her laugh comes out to play? Ballgame.
Kelly Brook- Oh my God, the eyes. The hair. The ample bosom. The . . where the hell was I? Oh yeah, the everything about her. She plays demure to the loveliest conclusion this side of a California sunset. And the British accent, oh my God . . .
Welp, that does it for my latest installment of what’s hot. I’d like to thank Vera Farmiga for her lovely inspiration, as per usual. And remember kids, if you got shades on during sex? You’re doing it wrong. . .
The Vera Farmiga Invitational- Hot List 2014
I’m gonna serve up a sexy list that puts SI and the Clinton Archives to shame. (Hey Bill . . holmes . . I’m not hating, so chill bro. I know the only reason you ran around was for the love. Of silence.)
While Maxim and AskMen are brimming with college talent, ‘me ladies are big league. So you won’t find Jennifer Lawrence on account of the fact she is twenty three. Sorry, but the last time I found twenty three interesting? I was eighteen.
The inspiration for this hot list comes from its namesake. She’s the place where sexy goes to learn more about sexy.
And a special shout out to my special someone, whose input made this list possible. The woman possesses all of the qualities I find most sexy in a woman. Her fashion sense is funky, she sports a mean pair of spectacles and while she doesn’t curse lots, her placement of swear words is brilliant. That’s hot.
Amy Adams- It took American Hustle to change my mind on her. Two hours and ten minutes. Yep . . that’s about right. Re-invention? . . . Meet low cut. Hey, you guys mingle while I grab a snack. By mingle I mean kiss.
Ellen DeGeneres– She made me laugh out loud the first time I saw her. Nothing has changed. She’s beautiful and she’s dorky, which is hot. Like girls in glasses.
Thandie Newton- The way she throws that come hither look out there should be illegal. But I’m really glad it’s not.
Demi Moore- Am I the only one who finds it impossible to believe that Ghost will celebrate its 25th anniversary next year? The only reason that fact isn’t totally depressing is because Demi is waaay hotter now than she was then. Way.
Melissa McBride- Carol from The Walking Dead is back! Just in time for an intervention with her fledgling little Piece Corps. McBride plays the hottest adoptive mama of a murderous scoundrel since, yep . . Vera Farmiga in Orphan.
Lolo Jones- She could make paper airplanes and I would watch. Boz Scaggs would have written a song about her back in the day. ‘Nuff said.
Claire Forlani- As if I needed another excuse for loving Scotch? Hey umm . . Dewars? Fuck you but . . . keep the spots coming. Coo?
Chelsea Peretti- Crazy sexy AND the kind of sense of humor that tells me you are plenty fine with killing me in my sleep? Hey, it’s just another reason to love pancakes.
Julie Bowen- Sofia gets all the press. But Julie is my ‘Hot Mom’. Soccer mom by day and purring minx by night? Oh yeah . . .
Sunny Hostin- She is just, well . . she is just easier to fall in deep sexy love with than whatever Joaquin Phoenix is falling in love with in Her. *Spoiler Alert-Joaquin is in love with an outside the box thinker of an OS, played by Scarlett Johansen . . who is twenty nine and therefore ineligible for this year’s list. **Spoiler Alert within a Spoiler Alert- Guess who makes my list next year . . and no, it ain’t Joaquin.
Cate Blanchett- You ever notice how this classic beauty’s eyes follow you? Wow.
Julia Roberts- She isn’t that box office stunner no more, she’s better. Okay, here’s how I look at sexy. Let’s take a hypothetical “Road Trip Test” . . Kate Upton vs. Julia Roberts. Upton is gonna introduce you to the latest drinks, clubs and apps. Roberts is simply going to teach you what it means to hold a woman. The former will rock your world, but the latter will change it. If your idea of sexy is bikinis, you’re doing it wrong.
Natasha Leggero- She has the Susanna Hoffs vibe going strong. And a great sense of humor. Maybe it’s not the “I’ll kill you in your sleep” sense of humor, but you can’t do that every night anyways. It’s tiring.
Jane Seymour- When the hell is she gonna start acting her age? I have no idea but I’m not complaining.
Natalie Portman- She gets more interesting, and more beautiful, every day. And she makes the cut since she’s 32.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the reach Vera possesses, which goes far beyond acting and directing. See, Vera has a wildly talented younger sister by the name of Taissa. You may know her as Violet Harmon in American Horror Story. As if Vera wasn’t amazing enough . . . she has a farm system.
What a woman.
Dear Maxim, Your “Hot” List is Ice Cold
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and it must be time for Maxim’s annual Hot 100.
And for Maxim, I use fool liberally since they make it so damned easy to do so. Last year’s Hot? Not so much, considering their omission of the lovely and talented Vera Farmiga from the list. A low ranking would have been grievous enough, but Farmiga-cide? I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that Katy Perry, Mila Kunis and Megan Fox could crack the top 20 and yet, Farmiga didn’t even rate for their top 100? Well guess what happened this year? Bad . . met worse.
Perry, Kunis and Fox all cracked the top 10 while Vera was given the milk carton treatment. Again.
Here’s the deal . . if Nickelodeon magazine came up with this list, I could understand. Cause that’s where Perry, Kunis, Fox and most of the girls found in the top 100 belong. Tucked in between Skittle cupcake recipes and Angry Bird cheat codes. And do you know why they belong there? Because they ARE girls. When it comes to the predominance of pups on this list, there’s no need to take my word for it. Simply consider that Amanda Bynes, Selena Gomez, Emma Watson and Miley Cyrus made the cut. After which they went to the mall to celebrate.
Maxim’s story is that they democratized the voting process this year. And I’m guessing all the kids who just finished watching the High School Musical marathon on Disney crashed the virtual polling boxes at the same time. Yeah, uh huh. Sure. Get Chris Hansen from Dateline’s To Catch a Predator over to Maxim headquarters, stat!
This isn’t some middle aged rant. This is a pissed off, bitterly disappointed and completely disillusioned middle-aged rant by someone who happens to be a huge fan of Vera Farmiga. She’s a classic beauty whose got more grace and style in her back pocket than most of these “Hot”ties could buy through the most expensive PR firm.
In fairness, the list did score some hot mamas- Kate Beckinsale, Zoe Saldana, J-Lo, Charlize Theron and Christina Hendricks. But it’s not nearly good enough, not without Vera it ain’t.
As if all this wasn’t stupid enough, Maxim went and added insult to injury by lampooning its Hot 100 – – allowing Stephen Colbert, Lois from Family Guy and Amanda Knox’s (mug shot?) to crash the party. As if we really needed to be reminded that this list was a joke in the first place.
Poetry in motion pictures
I’ve always dug the actors who crash their critical acclaim parties just a tad bit later than the A-listers.
Jeff Bridges is that guy. Been around forever and a day, acting the hell out of every role he grabs. Never a forgettable day’s work with him. And yet, for whatever reason, he never got the Sean Penn/Johnny Depp/George Clooney headlines. Even though he was in the same conversation with those guys long before he clinched his first Oscar.
He’s been my favorite actor ever since I saw him in Fearless. As far as I’m concerned, it was one of the best cinematic turns I’ve ever seen. And by then, he already had a resume of amazing work that was a mile long.
Vera Farmiga has that same kind of unheralded brilliance going on. I was hooked the first time I saw her in the movie Iron Jawed Angels, a flick which happens to be thick with great actresses.
I’ve posted on the lovely Vera quite a few times, a lot of tongue in cheek crushing for sure. And I do admit to going a little weak in the knees whenever her hair plays its way across her face. Her eyes take me back to that time when I was just learning about the wonders of a girl.
And with all that beauty comes some kind of actress. Vera has a couple Oscars frothing to get sold off to the most deserving of bidders. And now you can add to those happy lovely odds she’s putting up because she’s taken up the director’s chair as well. I’ve included the link to her newest joint so check it out. It looks really good.
I just hope her directorial work doesn’t keep her from the viewer friendly side of the camera as often as all that. That would be the living definition of bittersweet for yours truly.
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